A few days ago I have stumbled upon a tiny book at my friend’s place. This book was entitled “Don’ts for Wives”. Judging from the title, it focused exclusively on what not to do, so I knew straight away it was going to be a cheerful and inspirational read. I flipped through the pages and pretty soon it became clear that most of the tips were just variations of ”give him food and shut the fuck up”.
“What kind of a male chauvinist wrote this degrading, yet strangely curious book?!”, I wondered. I turned back to the title page to discover that this sexist jerk’s name was…Blanche Ebutt. The jerk was a she. The plot thickened. Just so you know, Blanche Ebutt is a world renowned author of such diverse books as “Don’ts for Wives”, “Don’ts for Husbands” and…those are the two. I haven’t read “Don’ts for Husbands”, but after skimming its “for Wives” counterpart I can safely conclude that the tips for husbands are along the lines of “don’t strangle your wife…too much”.
To be fair, “Don’ts for Wives” was written in 1913. If the content of the book is any indication, 1913 was a time when every household had at least one butler and every single woman was a housewife married to an excessively rich man. Seen in this light, the book must have been quite useful at the time, if only to regulate the amount of clothes women bought and the amount of words they spoke.
Tip 43: Don’t let him catch you reading any other books
And now, without further ado, I’d like to bring you some of the very best Blanche Ebutt has to offer, with my running commentary. I even helpfully arrange the tips into identifiable themes, something Blanche didn’t bother with.
Theme One: Shut up
1. Don’t advise your husband on subjects of which you are, if anything, rather more ignorant than he.
2. Don’t argue with a stubborn husband. Drop the matter before argument leads to temper. You can generally gain your point in some other way.
3. Don’t attempt to dictate to your husband on any subject. He won’t stand it, and there will be trouble.
Blanche’s motto is “if you’re going to give terrible advice, make sure you make the same point in at least three different ways”. They are all slight tweaks of “don’t talk (back)” and two of them hint ominously at what happens if you do, namely “temper” and “trouble”.
I don’t know how things worked in 1913, because I was negative 68 years old at that time. If I’m to read between the lines I can only assume that all wives got regularly attacked for interrupting their husbands’ monologues.
Unless, of course, Blanche wasn’t giving tips to other women as much as she was writing down reminders to herself after every “trouble” with her husband:
“Dear Diary, today I’m going to give John some tips about trimming the garden…hi again, Diary, turns out I’m rather more ignorant about gardening than John, which my black eye so clearly illustrates. Note to self: ‘Don’t advise your husband on subjects of which you are, if anything, rather more ignorant than he…’”
Theme Two: Never rest
4. Don’t vegetate as you grow older if you live in the country. Some women are like cows, but there is really no need to stagnate. Keep both brain and body on the move.
Sounds like your brain has been on the move for a while, Blanche, and you were left behind. Seriously, WTF?! How did you come up with such specific advice? Does this apply only to women who live in the country? Or the ones who are “like cows”? You could have just said “exercise is important”, but I guess you’re trying to see how many of your readers you can alienate by calling them names.
5. Don’t spend half the morning in bed because there is ‘nothing to get up for’. The day is not long enough for all the things you might do if you liked.
Yeah, you lazy “some woman like cow”! Get up and get to work!
1913 exercise equipment for housewives
Theme Three: Be a pet
6. Don’t think it beneath you to put your husband’s slippers ready for him. On a cold evening, especially, it makes all the difference to his comfort if the soles are warmed through.
Pro tip: warming the soles by curling into a ball and lying on them will surely put a smile on your husband’s face when he comes home.
7. Don’t take any notice of people who tell you constantly that a wife’s place is in her husband’s home, darning socks and stockings as women did in the good old days. You can darn all the socks and stockings there are to be darned, and you can be at home whenever your husband is, and very often when he is not, and yet leave plenty of time for going out.
8. Don’t get the idea that all your husband wants is a housekeeper, or a decorative head of the table. He wants a companion and when he is at home he doesn’t want you to be always somewhere else.
9. Don’t be out if you can help it when your husband gets home after his day’s work.
I love how Blanche starts out tips 7 and 8 by boldly declaring that women should feel empowered, yet quickly transitions into “do your fucking housewife duties and be home whenever your husband is” by the end of each one.
Also, this is the second time she uses three separate tips to make pretty much the same point. Blanche, if you don’t have enough advice to fill a whole book, just own up to it and release a small pamphlet instead. You’re destroying trees and wasting your readers’ time when they could be darning socks and warming up slippers instead.
10. Don’t let him search the house for you. Listen for his latch-key and meet him on the threshold.
And if you find that your leash is so short that you can’t get all the way from the kitchen to the threshold, this would be the perfect opportunity to ask him for a longer one! (CONTINUE TO PAGE 2)
Facebook
Twitter
RSS
Email
Nice! This reminds me of something I once read that said something like, “Dealing with your husband’s problems is a small price to pay for his stimulating lectures.” I think Ann Landers had quoted a wifely guide from about that same time.
Ha, that’s a great one too – how could Blanchett miss out on turning it into an actionable “Don’t”?
If you look here: http://www.scribd.com/doc/33727307/Don-ts-for-Husbands-and-Wives-Words-of-Wisdom-For-a-Happy-Marriage you will see the companion piece “Don’ts for Husbands”. I believe 95% of the advice given in these small books is timely yet today for marriage. It’s really about give and take and thinking from your spouse’s perspective
D
Thanks for sharing Dave. I know about “Don’t's for Husbands” and even mention it in my own post. I have no doubt that it made sense at the time. I was simply making fun of the book in the modern context!
“15. Don’t persist in having mushrooms on the table when you know they always make your husband ill.
16. Don’t let your cook persist in frying steak when your husband likes it grilled, or in serving his eggs hard-boiled when he likes them milky.
17. Don’t give your husband stale bread if he prefers it new, nor new bread if it produces indigestion.
Also, is your husband a retard? Does he automatically and indiscriminately consume anything in front of him, without evaluating what it is he’s eating?”
Because god forbid that a professional wife, who has maids, a cook, a fleet of nannies, who has a house and a never-ending stream of spending money, god forbid that she should actually have to do the one and only job that (arguably) earns her these things – managing the home.
Dude, you sound angry. I wish I had a time machine to transport you back to 1913, but alas, much like “professional wife”, that’s not a thing that exists.
“10. Don’t let him search the house for you. Listen for his latch-key and meet him on the threshold.”—I think Blanche forgot to add “wrapped only in Saran Wrap” to the end of that last sentence.
@Carrie Rubin Heheheee. Ah, but what if the Saran Wrap is used to keep his bread nice and stale for him?! But my favourite are the money saving tips…schizo much?!
@Daniel Nest
Well, nice and stale bread should match a nice and stale wife. Which, after surviving these prehistoric rules for years, would be exactly what the wife would be. Of course, there’s always the chance she might meet Dear Hubby at the door with a loaded shotgun…
NestExpressed Oh Boy! I might be wrong, or even out of line saying this, but personally, I think the insanity of Blanche’s day had much to do with what the Ebutts were smoking in front of the fireplace. Indications might be “a senseless stream of chatter,” “popping up like a Jack-in-the-box,” and, OMG, the irritating repetitive rambling. Clearly, Blanche was stoned then as she was when she wrote the “Frock” out of her book. Plus, there might have been something mysterious about the “mushrooms” that she liiked, he didn’t, that caused her warnings about not to “fuss” your husband. Maybe their favorite highs just were not compatible. Anyway, Blanche was wise enough to know that a woman simply cannot “dictate” or “advise” her husband while on mind altering substances. There will be “trouble.” Obviously Blanche’s state of (drug induced) mind worsened when she became jealous of the country girls, calling them “lazy cows” and such. Then Blanche seemed to succumb to “spending half the morning in bed,” with nothing to get up for. I think we can sum the whole deal up with one word: Withdrawals. Blanche needed a 1913 intervention that never came. I can’t help but wonder why women living in that era were not sharing secrets about how to quietly dispose of their chauvinist husbands, instead of thinking up stupid ways to pacify a man’s every longing. I could just pull my face off thinking about it! But times, they are-a-changing, or however that saying goes.
)
@BakedAlaskaInOr Hehehee wow, quite a thorough analysis of Blanche’s mental state! I have no doubt that there’s a great deal of truth in your assumptions. Poor Blanche, why did nobody help her?
As for “disposing of chauvinist husbands” books – something tells me those kind of books were, ahem, frowned upon? Also, very difficult to write a book like then when you’re busy warming your husband’s slippers
Thanks for stopping by and commenting again!
OMG! Laughing out loud at this one! http://t.co/VaTwIMcs Don’ts for wifes Rt @NestExpressed
I believe the hatred aimed at poor Mrs.Ebutt maybe misguided. Mr.Ebutt sounds like a real ass, however, and despite very shaky evidence at best, I believe him to be the real influence behind this book. It is my belief that he forced Mrs.Ebutt to write both books and was in fact an abusive controlling Rat Bastard.(My favorite insult) After many years of such abuse as not being able to leave the house, warming slippers, nervously thinking what can I cook for that bastard that won’t get me knocked about, nervously listing for the sound of hubby’s footsteps; because she knows what happened last time she was late in answering the door, and being forced to decide if she should just shut the hell up or entertain the bastard, she was so brainwashed when Mr.ebutts suggested the book she had no choice but to do her husband’s bidding.
You know what? That must be it! You seem to have put a lot of thought into it and I can’t find any strong evidence that Mrs. Ebutt WASN’T brainwashed by her husband.
you ignorant feminism this book comes in a pair, Don’t for wives and Don’ts for husbands
@lk nfdsk Howdy! Congratulations, you’re my first hater ever! You win a personal response in the form of a post, enjoy: http://nest-expressed.com/2012/02/hate-comment/
Sing and play cards with him??? Eh? Nice touch though. If I were a man I’d give her at least 2 extra points for the try!
@VonDottie Especially if she could get the wife to sing, play cards and read to him simultaneously!
@Daniel Nest@VonDottie Exactément! Brings back the old “I dance and sing and do tricks” (or however that bit of pick up line is…)
@VonDottie “I dance and cook and bring you slippers”?
Thank God Blanche was nowhere near me when I was reading this otherwise I would have been thrown in prison for homicide. Freaking woman!
Loved the commentary and wish that crazy lady had someone to dole it out to her before her book got into print.
@RiaMajumdar Hehehe thanks, yeah it was an interesting window back into the world of 1913
@Daniel Nest
That’s one way of putting it. I would say *bleep*. Oops, looks like the censor board has cracked down on me!!
@RiaMajumdar hahahaa, yeah, times aren’t easy for swearing on the Internet these days…