Jun 162013
 

By now you have undoubtedly heard of the revolutionary exercise program that is sweeping the globe. Literally an unknown number of people have already become loyal fans of this gruelling, yet deeply rewarding training regime.

You’ve seen it on the news, you’ve read the book, you’ve watched the video and you have instantly fallen in love with this electrifying, enlightening, energetic and ecstasy-eliciting workout.

I am talking, of course, about Prancercise:


But I am not here to tell you how fantastic Prancercise makes you feel. I am not here to praise the various ways it brings you in better touch with the universe, the people around you, and your very soul. I’m not here to explain how Prancercise effectively targets every major muscle group, while still leaving you feeling elated and fabulous afterwards.

You already know all of that, fellow Prancerciser. Prancercise truly is magic!

No, I am here to alert you to the unseen, ominous ways that Prancercise is affecting our lives. I am here to finally shed light on the concealed dangers that nobody previously dared to address.

I may be hated for this. I may be mocked relentlessly for taking a stand against the world’s most favourite pastime of the 21st century. I may even have my Prancercise license revoked and get permanently banned from practicing the sport I’ve come to love so dearly.

Yet, in the interest of transparency and objectivity, I must make myself heard. I cannot sit idly by while people remain catastrophically unaware of what Prancercise is really doing to us and our planet.

Without further ado, I bring to you the never-before-shared, disturbing facts about Prancercise.

4. Prancercise is extremely habit-forming

Ask yourself: when was the last time you’ve taken a walk? No, I don’t mean the by now extremely popular Prancercise warm-up walk:

Prancercise Walk, 4 Hidden Dangers of Prancercise

I mean a regular, old-fashioned walk. The way we all used to walk before the Prancercise craze.

When was the last time you ran? The last time you climbed a tree? The last time you engaged in an activity that didn’t involve prancing around like a giddy horse?

You can’t remember, can you?!

It’s no wonder!

Prancercise has quickly and ruthlessly modified the way we propel our bodies forward. Every little movement you make has now been infused with the intoxicating power of Prancercise.

Why is that?

The answer is as simple as it is horrifying: Prancercise is extremely, tantalizingly addictive. It has physically replaced the need for people to practice any other sports, because it is the Holy Grail of exercise.

“Well, is that necessarily so bad? After all, Prancercise is a complete workout for your body, your soul and your mind!” all of you will rightfully protest.

Under normal circumstances you would be right – if a truly healthy workout replaced literally everything else we did, it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing at all.

However, is Prancercise really a healthy and risk-free workout?

That brings me to my next point.

3. Prancercise carries the risk of severe injuries

Here’s the advanced part of the Prancercise program – the “Gallop”:

Prancercise Gallop, 4 Hidden Dangers of Prancercise

Upon watching this video you will notice a few things, like how uninhibited it makes you feel, how incredibly liberating it is and how much joy and happiness it can bring. However, if you’re critical, you will notice something far, far more sinister.

Can you see what it is?

She’s wearing absolutely no protective gear! Zero! No knee or elbow pads, no ankle guards, nothing! At the pace of a gallop one would hope for at least a helmet, yet she doesn’t even attempt to use a sweatband to protect her head.

Not only is she recklessly endangering her own life, she’s signalling to her followers that it is perfectly OK to take no safety precautions when Prancercising. This is fatally misleading. People can suffer serious trauma as a result of this oversight.

I am not merely being alarmist. My claims are supported by this emotional Amazon review:

Prancercise Amazon Review, 4 Hidden Dangers of Prancercise

Most people have dismissed this review as being “satirical”, but these people are the blind zealots of Prancercise. The sheeple. The horsele.

I know true human suffering when I see it. “Trip” is clearly crying out for help. He’s tried so hard to give others a desperate warning, yet nobody heeded it.

Prancercisers, your very lives are at stake! Wake up and start protecting yourselves!

2. Prancercise is putting exercise coaches out of business

Take a careful look at this picture:

Psy Green Jacket Gangnam Style, 4 Hidden Dangers of Prancercise

Do you recognise that man?

Of course you don’t!

He’s been pushed into complete obscurity when Prancercise hysteria took over the planet.

Yet, believe it or not, as recently as 2012 this man – his name is Psy – was a worldwide sensation. His musical exercise routine, combined with energetic beats and inspired by the fluid movements of a horse, was once the object of much admiration and acclaim. His Youtube fitness tape, cleverly disguised as a music video, was seen by billions and practiced by absolutely everybody.

So, what does Psy have to do with Prancercise?

Well, let’s just say that the horse-motion teachings of Prancercise are heavily “inspired” by his routine. You want proof? Look:

PSY Gangnam Style Horse Dance, 4 Hidden Dangers of Prancercise

Not only is Psy clearly mimicking horse movements, but he’s surrounded by horses to lend credibility to his exercise program. This man was the true inventor of horse-influenced physical activity, but his work was shamelessly plagiarised and re-packaged into the massive success that Prancercise is today.

How many other fitness coaches have had their lives ruined by the pervasiveness of Prancercise? We’ll never truly know, but every time you prance around your backyard from now on you’ll do well to remember at what cost your favourite exercise has come to be.

1. Prancercise is making horses obsolete

Friendship between humans and horses goes so far back that I can’t even begin to Google for exactly when it happened.

We always needed each other. We needed horses to serve as our means of transportation and to provide companionship. Horses needed us to…horses needed us, too (citation needed).

Now ask yourself: what do we need horses for today? We have dogs as companions. We have cats to simultaneously entertain us and drive us mad. We eat cows because screw cows, apparently.

Cow Face Forward, 4 Hidden Dangers of Prancercise

Nope, not even those deceptively cute “puppy eyes” can save you.

Until recently we have at least stuck to riding horses for exercise and fun, but then Prancercise showed us that we didn’t really need them. Why would we need horses, when we can be horses?

Yes, horses are officially obsolete. They will soon become extinct. Don’t be surprised when the day comes where horses are just some mythical creatures we read about in history books. Prancercise has already triggered the first phases of what will soon turn into a systematic eradication of all horses.

Don’t believe me? Then believe the facts:

The Prancercise book was published on December 10th, 2012. On January 15th, 2013, just a short month later, this happened:

FSAI Survey, 4 Hidden Dangers of Prancercise

Hear my words, people!

Save the horses – stop Prancercising!

Otherwise it won’t be long before we live to regret our obsession with this terrifying activity.

***

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  45 Responses to “4 Hidden Dangers of Prancercise”

Comments (45)
  1. I was all set to make fun of this woman, until it hit me that she is in much better shape than I am. I think I will keep my mouth shut and prancercise around my house.

     
  2. wow….for real? disturbing.

     
  3. Hahah, screw cows! I have never heard of prancercise but it looks much easier than Yoga. I might take this up, with the proper safety gear of course!

     
  4. I just saw prancercising for the first time, and it was with a music video. I had no idea! Then I saw the original version, and I couldn’t watch due to the camel toe. It just looks so uncomfortable, but it might explain the prancing.

     
    • Yeah you’re probably talking about John Mayer’s “Paper Doll”. It came out 2 days after my post – just goes to show that my warnings were spot on!

      And yes…the original version is pretty disturbing.

       
  5. Hahaha…think I found my new workout video…;)

     
  6. I’ve been laughing NON STOP since the start of your post. This leads me to believe Daniel, that THIS POST is dangerous. I am in danger of splitting a gut and apparently even my puppy dog eyes (you’ll have to take me word for it) won’t help me.
    The combination of video snippets, snappy writing and current cultural references have combined to make ‘4 Hidden Dangers of Prancercise’ a menace to those of us unable to maintain a serious facade.
    I am SO DISGRACED that I am forced to share this post on my Facebook page and to tell all my friends- when I actually find some. But I am totally sharing this on Facebook because I have some imaginary friends there.
    You have been warned!

     
    • You saw right through my clever ruse. This whole post was a plot to infiltrate people’s minds and destroy them from within…with laughter. People with puppy eyes are less susceptible, but not invincible in any way.

      Your threat is a bit of an overreaction, but I shall make the necessary arrangements and brace myself for the oncoming stampede of your outraged imaginary friends. This is where I make my stand!

       
  7. Daniel, have you seen the cover of her book? Hilarious!

     
  8. Love the humor. I think i prancersized through the 80s.

     
  9. Very funny, I like the humor.

     
  10. Hahaha this is amazing. That’s my new favourite video ever x

     
  11. Gold.

    Is the spanking motion in the warm-up a requirement, or could I replace it with double shoving motion? I just want to know for research purposes, of course. You’ve made it clear I shouldn’t engage in this dangerous activity.

     
  12. I don’t care what you say…. IM GONNA PRANCERCISE UNTIL I CAN’T PRANCERCISE NO MORE!!!

    Just kidding. I’m gonna to go drink some more vodka.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

     
  13. Very funny. Thank you for sharing!

     
  14. Hey it worked for Santa Clause…Dasher and Dancer And Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid And Donner and Blitzen

     
  15. OMG, this is meant to be serious? :D

     
  16. Thank you for both introducing me to and warning me off from this new, revolutionary exercise program. I’m completely shocked that I’ve never heard of this obviously effective, yet dangerous form of fitness.

     
  17. Umm… you missed the point, Daniel – which is quite unusual for you, if I’m honest. The worst side-effect of all: the need for intense psychiatric therapy… and not just for her… ;)

     
  18. I have been feeling blah and tired out today…but no more! I have found my new passion in life. I can’t wait until I get to work tomorrow, so I can go prancering about the office. We have lots of aisles and hallways. Work stress will be banished forever. I hear you on the dangers, but I’m gonna risk it anyhow, because who can resist this?

    And this line? “We eat cows because screw cows, apparently.” made me laugh until I cried.

     
    • That’s the beauty of prancercise! You can do it everywhere – the office, the park, space shuttle, a Russian nuclear plant.

      Well, enjoy the laugh-tears – prancercise and laughter are the cornerstones of a healthy life.

       
  19. I say , “Hang the danger!” Okay, I never said that in my life until today. I am going to prancercise until I stop! And no one is going talk me out of it! (It is a sad thing to be out of medication)

     
  20. There are no words. I am…I mean…I’m…I don’t… Oh, forget it. I’m speechless.

    You had me near tears with this one. I can’t believe this actually exists. And perfect timing, because I was just about to go on my evening walk. I’ll grab my tunes and start prancercizing my way to happiness.

     
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