So I was browsing Cosmopolitan online recently and…
…wait, wow, OK, I never expected I’d start a post with those words. That’s just wrong. The truth is, I was doing research. Yes, really! Shut up!
My curiosity was rewarded almost instantly when I saw an article labelled “Sexy Texts He Will Love“! It was immediately clear from the title that the author had no clue about the topic. There are many things men love about sex and approximately none of them come in written form.
Nevertheless, giving the author the benefit of the doubt I proceeded to study these “sexy” texts. There were 11 in total and pretty much all of them fell into one of two categories:
a) “I’m naked”, or
b) “Let’s have some ‘fun’ later (*wink* *wink*)”
Ladies, this is the kind of lame stuff that teenage girls may find worthy of a giggle. These texts won’t make your man drop what he’s doing and run home to you while stumbling over his own boner.
Guys, if you ever get these types of texts from your woman it can mean only two things. One: your woman has the maturity of a 13-year old. Two: she’s an android and her “sexual awareness” software is malfunctioning. In both cases it’s in everyone’s best interest that you sever all contact with her ASAP.
Luckily, I’m here to help. I have prepared a library of replies you can use when receiving one of the 11 “sexy” texts from your woman. Each reply is almost guaranteed to make her never want to see you again or, in the case of the android, short circuit her. You’re welcome! (To all the women – sorry, but this was necessary evil).
11. “I know you’re going to the gym, but save a little energy for later… ”
“Great, a little energy for you, a little for Jennifer and a little for Carlos. What’s left for me?!”
10. “That tie you’re wearing? Let’s use it tonight.”
“Sorry, but this whole suit has to be returned after the funeral!”
9. “I’m not wearing any underwear.”
“So I take it dressing yourself isn’t your strong suit?”
8. “I hid something for you in my cleavage. Frisk me later to find it.”
“What is it? Is it boobs? Please tell me you finally hid some boobs there!”
7. “Caught a glimpse of your ass when you left this morning. Amazing.”
“I’m happy to hear your eyesight is improving, maybe you can see all of me one day.”
6. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”
“Actually, I’m not really comfortable discussing my gender surgery just yet…”
5. “I had a stressful day. Want to help me unwind? ”
“Sure thing. Cocaine or heroin?”
4. “Got a new toy today. Let’s play.”
“Awesome! Charizard and Pikachu are gonna bring the pain!”
3. “I’m wearing that tight dress you love…with nothing underneath.”
“Damnit, you better not wrinkle that dress, I have to wear it tomorrow!”
2. “I’ve been thinking about you all day. It hasn’t been innocent.”
“You also make me contemplate murder, but at least I keep quiet about it.”
1. “Meet me at my place in an hour. Clothing optional.”
“Mom? We’ve been through this!”
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