The world is full of crazy people. This is a scientific fact verified by prominent contemporary thinkers (citation needed) and readily observable in any comment thread on Youtube.
Previously I have taken on the nutjobs that sell stuff on eBay, exposed crazies that send spam and even described my first-hand experience of living with a psycho flatmate.
However, not all crazy folk are out to sell you “haunted” items, spam you with porn, or murder you for leaving windows open. Some of them are dedicating efforts towards a greater good. They are working tirelessly to invent the next breakthrough in the world of self-defence equipment. They want you to feel safe when you leave your house, armed with the knowledge that you can handle whatever trouble may come your way.
Unfortunately, having good intentions does not negate the effects of being mad as a bag of rabies. Here are some self-defence inventions that are less “self-defence” and more “goddamn nuts”. Also, most of them are much more likely to hurt you than your attackers.
6. Self Defence Wearable
Do you know what the problem is with most self defence gadgets? They’re simply too dangerous for the user. They either require a high level of expertise in martial arts to be used effectively, or, even worse, can be used against you by your attacker. At least that’s the claim the inventors of this “self defence wearable” want us all to accept.
Alright, I’ll bite. I see how a can of pepper spray may be wrestled from me and turned against me in a scuffle. Oddly enough, I’d like to avoid having my own weapons used against me. So, what can you offer me, oh great inventors?
Warning: Avoid rain and/or touching the ground while wearing this item
I…see. It’s a sort of jacket. With high voltage wires running through it. That you wear. On your body. Having reviewed this patent I have a lot of questions. Actually no, I only have one question, and that question is “what the fuck?”.
Basically, the designers took the effectiveness of a taser and put it into a more “suicide-friendly” package. Call me conservative, but I usually prefer my clothes to have no electricity running through them.
But maybe I’m being unreasonably harsh. Afterall, the inventors are clearly aware of the inherent danger present in using self-defence gadgets and explicitly set out to solve this very issue. Surely, they must have invented some fail-safe mechanism to prevent the wearers from zapping themselves?
Ah, there we go: the only way this jacket can be charged is by a “clenching of the wearer’s hand, a natural response to an attack situation“. Right, a natural response to an attack situation…or to, I dunno, a handshake, maybe? Sounds like this jacket could make for some hilariously awkward job interviews.
Is it your electrifying personality or do I have a high voltage current running through me right now?
But again, I’m being unfair. The inventors also propose alternative ways to put the jacket into a charged state, including a key switch, a dial and…a coded keypad. Wait, what?! You seriously expect me to punch in a number sequence in order to activate my electric death-trap of a garment? In the middle of an attack? Look, if my attacker is so damn stupid that he waits patiently while I type in a pin-code on my self-defence jacket, then I probably could’ve defeated him with a moderately difficult jigsaw puzzle.
5. Self Defence Weapon Or Similar Article
It claims to be a self defence weapon (or similar article). It looks like what would happen if a bottle opener fucked a key. In reality, it’s probably neither of those three. The truth is, we’ll never know, because this patent provides zero textual description. To compensate, it offers four drawings of the same device from four different angles:
At first I was like: “what the hell is this thing?”. Now I’m like: “what the hell are these things?!”
I can only assume that you’re supposed to clench the broad piece in your fist like brass knuckles and jab the protruding blunt “key” part into the attacker’s face. Which begs the question: why not just get a set of brass knuckles? Immediately after that it begs another question: why have the inventors of this device not been institutionalised yet? When you look at brass knuckles and decide that they can be improved by attaching a key to them, then you’re clearly missing crucial reasoning skills.
4. Hand-Held Self-Defence Device
This one is perfect for serious hunters and casual serial killers. The device takes the above idea of improving on the regular “vanilla” brass knuckles one step closer to “nightmarish”.
That’s a pretty contrived gang sign!
The device is intended to have multiple protrusions for “hooking or striking” the assailant. Inventor’s original draft included additional protrusions for “skinning” and “filleting”, but his lawyers and psychiatrists managed to convince him that serving a prison sentence wasn’t as fun as it sounded.
You think I’m blowing this out of proportion, don’t you? Well here’s a fun fact: “the device may also be used to hook the assailant’s orifice or pressure point, such as mouth, eye, ear, etc.“.
First, this text was probably lifted directly from the diaries of Jack The Ripper. Second, if I have the finesse required to perform such hooking manoeuvres, then I really don’t need a “self-defence” gadget. I can just kill the assailant with some chewing gum and a safety pin. Also, I’m probably wanted for multiple murders in over a dozen countries.
Finally, the inventor maintains that it is “desirable to have a defense device that may be designed to fit a variety of sizes, ranging from small children to full-sized adults“. I will let that sink in for a moment…
There are two possible ways to interpret the above statement. Both are equally horrifying and neither one is remotely sane. This device is designed to be used either:
a) against small children. Well, at least we won’t have any more toddlers mugging people on the street.
or
b) by small children. This…this is actually more horrifying. I don’t know about you, but I’m bracing myself for the imminent invasion of the inventor’s child-ninja army.
On the plus side, “the device also functions as a key chain“. How…cute? (CONTINUE TO PAGE 2)
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I can’t help but think that jacket might come in handy for testing my Christmas lights, as I decorate the yard?
With this jacket you could BE the Christmas Lights – think of the possibilities!
What if your attacker had an Animal Defensive Barrier And Exercise Device to protect himself against you protecting yourself with a Self-Retrieving Attack Ball, would this be a win/win or would everyone lose?
Actually I believe that would result in the attack ball being continuously repelled by the defensive barrier, thereby creating a stalemate and acting as a perpetual motion engine that powers a modest-sized village. There were studies.
The best self defense weapon I have ever used was getting in a karate ‘bring-it’ stance before inviting a guy to a fight. He was afraid of my mad kung fu skills, and backed off.
Boy oh boy am I glad he didn’t call my bluff… dude was like 5-foot-40 and had a neck thicker than my thigh…
In which case, well bluffed sir. He was probably intimidated by the size of your cahones!
My favorite was teh squirt gun. I actually laughed when I saw it, which is maybe the real self defense value of this…the attacker would be bent over double, cracking up, and you can make your escape!
So true…maybe that’s exactly what he was going for? By the way, you’ve typed “ximplyshegoes” in your URL, so I took the liberty of changing it to the proper “simplyshegoes” – link love for everyone!
Couldn’t you spin the attack ball to repel dogs? Why weren’t the makers thinking of that additional aspect?
If I’m that paranoid, I will move to a “concealed carry” state. Of course, my paranoia will reach new heights wondering who else is concealing and has it out for me….
Damn.
WG
See, now you’re thinking outside the box! Combining mad self defense gadgets cancels out the “crazy” and makes them awesome. I’m sure I’ve read about somewhere before…
That’s some crazy stuff. I’ll take the Trunk Monkey over any of those devices in a heartbeat. Plus who doesn’t like monkeys?
True true, monkeys are both adorable and versatile as self-defense devices…I assume.
I’ll admit when I had my car stolen, I came up with some pretty psychotic anti-theft devices. Apparently my only mistake was not trying to get them patented.
@MEFranco1 It’s really a missed opportunity on your part! You could’ve made the famous list above and become an overnight celebrity
@Daniel Nest @MEFranco1 It is never too late to put those psychotic tendencies to good use! Don’t give up!
@MEFranco1 @raeme67 And if all else fails just stick to designing creepy dolls for kids
@Daniel Nest
Creepy dolls…That’s a good backup plan. I did like this anti-theft idea though. Wonder if I can get a used one on ebay?
Yeah! If these guys can make it, why can’t I?
Yeah! If these guys can make it, why can’t I?
@MEFranco1 This is pretty epic, I want a trunk monkey too…and somehow that sounds like a rather disturbing innuendo…
#Flashback: “6 Self-Defence Gadgets (Invented by Lunatics)”: http://t.co/cF9g96gH #blogging #funny #gadgets
@BakedAlaskaInOr Hehehe glad you liked it, thanks for the RT!
.@NestExpressed YW. I’m getting one of each. I sure don’t want to take a bottle opener key thing to a leak proof squirt gun fight. Prepare!
@BakedAlaskaInOr Hehehehe my Zeus Jacket makes me invincible, so BRING IT!
.@NestExpressed Clearly, we all need Zeus jackets to battle the unreality villains those gadgets were designed to slay.Oh how phantoms lurk!
@BakedAlaskaInOr Indeed, danger lurks in every corner when your mind is gone…Zeus Jackets are the only way out!
.@NestExpressed We all have irrational fears at times, but the true lunatics just make life fun. There’s clarity in insanity. #Zeusjackets
@NestExpressed Never thought of my self as a super villain before? My villian name:Rachael Wicked Awesome McGimpsey!
@raeme67 Not evil enough, keep the Wicked part, reinvent the rest
@NestExpressed Thanks, I will keep trying.
Evil Wicked Woman McGimpsey? Too long? Too redundant? Too ridiculous?
@raeme67 Think you’re onto something! Rachael Wicked Villain McGimpsey?! We’ll keep working on it….
@NestExpressed It is so hard being evil and even harder coming up with an evil name…
@raeme67 That’s actually the only reason we don’t have evil geniuses taking over the world yet!
@NestExpressed I have a plan. Read the reply I left on your post and realize too late what you have unleased on the world!
@NestExpressed Read my reply post for 8 superpowers from eBay-I have a plan!
Can you get these devises on e-bay?
Never mind what I want them for!
HHehehee you and the attack-ball guy should form a team! Super-villains of the world – unite!
Really good post…just like always!!!
And it makes me wonder how the user of the attack ball is going to grab the ball once it’s on its way back. With all the barbs sticking out from everywhere the defendent might as well stick their hand to a pincushion.
@RiaMajumdar Well, since the device is intended for baseball pitchers, I’m sure it comes with a steel-reinforced set of pitcher’s gloves
Glad you liked the post!