The world is full of crazy people. This is a scientific fact verified by prominent contemporary thinkers (citation needed) and readily observable in any comment thread on Youtube.
However, not all crazy folk are out to sell you “haunted” items, spam you with porn, or murder you for leaving windows open. Some of them are dedicating efforts towards a greater good. They are working tirelessly to invent the next breakthrough in the world of self-defence equipment. They want you to feel safe when you leave your house, armed with the knowledge that you can handle whatever trouble may come your way.
Unfortunately, having good intentions does not negate the effects of being mad as a bag of rabies. Here are some self-defence inventions that are less “self-defence” and more “goddamn nuts”. Also, most of them are much more likely to hurt you than your attackers.
6. Self Defence Wearable
Do you know what the problem is with most self defence gadgets? They’re simply too dangerous for the user. They either require a high level of expertise in martial arts to be used effectively, or, even worse, can be used against you by your attacker. At least that’s the claim the inventors of this “self defence wearable” want us all to accept.
Alright, I’ll bite. I see how a can of pepper spray may be wrestled from me and turned against me in a scuffle. Oddly enough, I’d like to avoid having my own weapons used against me. So, what can you offer me, oh great inventors?
I…see. It’s a sort of jacket. With high voltage wires running through it. That you wear. On your body. Having reviewed this patent I have a lot of questions. Actually no, I only have one question, and that question is “what the fuck?”.
Basically, the designers took the effectiveness of a taser and put it into a more “suicide-friendly” package. Call me conservative, but I usually prefer my clothes to have no electricity running through them.
But maybe I’m being unreasonably harsh. Afterall, the inventors are clearly aware of the inherent danger present in using self-defence gadgets and explicitly set out to solve this very issue. Surely, they must have invented some fail-safe mechanism to prevent the wearers from zapping themselves?
Ah, there we go: the only way this jacket can be charged is by a “clenching of the wearer’s hand, a natural response to an attack situation“. Right, a natural response to an attack situation…or to, I dunno, a handshake, maybe? Sounds like this jacket could make for some hilariously awkward job interviews.
But again, I’m being unfair. The inventors also propose alternative ways to put the jacket into a charged state, including a key switch, a dial and…a coded keypad. Wait, what?! You seriously expect me to punch in a number sequence in order to activate my electric death-trap of a garment? In the middle of an attack? Look, if my attacker is so damn stupid that he waits patiently while I type in a pin-code on my self-defence jacket, then I probably could’ve defeated him with a moderately difficult jigsaw puzzle.
5. Self Defence Weapon Or Similar Article
It claims to be a self defence weapon (or similar article). It looks like what would happen if a bottle opener fucked a key. In reality, it’s probably neither of those three. The truth is, we’ll never know, because this patent provides zero textual description. To compensate, it offers four drawings of the same device from four different angles:
I can only assume that you’re supposed to clench the broad piece in your fist like brass knuckles and jab the protruding blunt “key” part into the attacker’s face. Which begs the question: why not just get a set of brass knuckles? Immediately after that it begs another question: why have the inventors of this device not been institutionalised yet? When you look at brass knuckles and decide that they can be improved by attaching a key to them, then you’re clearly missing crucial reasoning skills.
4. Hand-Held Self-Defence Device
This one is perfect for serious hunters and casual serial killers. The device takes the above idea of improving on the regular “vanilla” brass knuckles one step closer to “nightmarish”.
The device is intended to have multiple protrusions for “hooking or striking” the assailant. Inventor’s original draft included additional protrusions for “skinning” and “filleting”, but his lawyers and psychiatrists managed to convince him that serving a prison sentence wasn’t as fun as it sounded.
You think I’m blowing this out of proportion, don’t you? Well here’s a fun fact: “the device may also be used to hook the assailant’s orifice or pressure point, such as mouth, eye, ear, etc.“.
First, this text was probably lifted directly from the diaries of Jack The Ripper. Second, if I have the finesse required to perform such hooking manoeuvres, then I really don’t need a “self-defence” gadget. I can just kill the assailant with some chewing gum and a safety pin. Also, I’m probably wanted for multiple murders in over a dozen countries.
Finally, the inventor maintains that it is “desirable to have a defense device that may be designed to fit a variety of sizes, ranging from small children to full-sized adults“. I will let that sink in for a moment…
There are two possible ways to interpret the above statement. Both are equally horrifying and neither one is remotely sane. This device is designed to be used either:
a) against small children. Well, at least we won’t have any more toddlers mugging people on the street.
b) by small children. This…this is actually more horrifying. I don’t know about you, but I’m bracing myself for the imminent invasion of the inventor’s child-ninja army.
On the plus side, “the device also functions as a key chain“. How…cute? (CONTINUE TO PAGE 2)