By now you know that making fun of spam is kind of my thing.
Thanks to this undoubtedly unhealthy hobby I have been collecting all sorts of spam, instead of deleting it from my junk mail folder like most sane people. As a result I am now in a possession of humble yet diverse assortment of random bits of spam art.
Don’t worry, with enough dedication you too can have a respectable spam collection in no time. And by “enough dedication” I mean “not pressing the ’empty spam’ button for a few days”.
As somewhat of a spam connoisseur I can inform you that spam comes in a variety of forms. Some messages are written as full-length letters and tell complex stories. Some are literally a jumble of disconnected words that form no coherent whole at all – kind of like Lady Gaga songs. Oh yes, I went there.
“Rah rah, oh lalaaa, gaga roma tra lalaaa…OK, seriously guys, I’m pretty sure I’m having a stroke right now”
And then there’s another type of spam – one with a single catchphrase and a link. It’s the spam equivalent of a store sign saying “Get your nipple clamps right here! Two for the price of one!”. Man, I could’ve literally picked anything other than “nipple clamps” for that analogy and it would’ve worked just as well. Too late now.
It’s the third type of spam I’d like to discuss today. Recently I have been getting a few of these per day. Each of them had something about penis enlargement in the subject line. Inside the email was a link, preceded by a single sentence. I haven’t followed any of the links, because I know that doing so would slowly destroy both my soul and mental state – kind of like listening to Lady Gaga. OK, that was the last one…for now.
Lady Gaga’s audition for the role of Nick Fury was destined to fail.
The sentences in the emails, however, have been diligently collected. I now bring to you – the “Spam Catchphrase Collection, Part One”. None of these have been altered in any way. What they lack in sanity they make up for with failed creativity.
10. Hit a home run every night with your gigantic bat.
Very clever. Home run = success in bed. Gigantic bat = big penis. How could you possibly go wrong with a baseball analogy for sex? Here’s how: “Hit a home run every night with your gigantic bat”.
9. Your powerful rod will rip their blouses off.
Finally! Every man’s dream of being able to rip women’s clothing off with his genitals has become reality. What? Is it just me? OK then.
8. Slam, jam and bang them with a longer and wider rooster of pleasure.
I see what you did there. Because, you know, “rooster”. Hehe. Your idea of what sex entails is a bit distorted though. There’s definitely a lot less professional wrestling involved than you seem to assume.
7. Oil prices are starting to DROP.
Wait, what?! Why am I getting market updates in an email about penis enlargement? Or is there a scientifically proven correlation between oil prices and penis size? If so, I don’t envy the researcher tasked with verifying that connection.
6. My friends never called me Little John in the locker room anymore, it’s now Big John.
You, sir, have the least imaginative friends on Earth. Also, they sound like a bunch of dicks. You should really stop being friends with a bunch of dicks hanging out in a locker room. Hey, you started this pun game, not me.
5. Don’t be a chicken – go for a bigger cock.
Great, another rooster pun. I’m starting to think this “penis enlargement” campaign is just a cover up for some shady dealings in illegal poultry.
4. Germany shows Portugal the strength in an extra inch.
I like to imagine that there was an actual competition where two teams of men engaged in penis-size based trials. Actually no, I don’t like imagining that at all!
3. I regained confidence in Eva Longoria after 2 months of herbal supplements.
Aaaw, you shouldn’t have doubted Eva Longoria in the first place! Wait a minute…is…is Eva Longoria what you call your penis? Because that’s the only way I can make sense of that sentence. Man, you’ve got far bigger problems than just lack of confidence in your size.
2. Your cock size will be written on your forehead.
Why would I ever want that to happen? Even if I had the world’s largest penis I’d never consider having its size stamped on my forehead. Sure, it would make for some great ice-breakers, but that would all be overshadowed by the fact that I’d have my dick size written on my freaking forehead!
1. COCKZILLA is the word.
No. No it’s not. It really isn’t. It’s not even a word. Seriously, the only nickname you could give your penis that is shittier than Cockzilla is Hammer of Doom…or possibly Eva Longoria.
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All of these gems have been collected in the span of a single week, so I have no doubt that more brilliant ones are still to come. Heaven help us all…
Edit (01/06/2012): I was right, here’s part two.
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24/06/2012: This post of mine is participating in the Dude Write line up this week where you can find some excellent posts by bloggers who happen to be dudes. You don’t have to be a dude to give the posts a read, though, so head on over!
Nest Expressed 
I’m a collector of the comment spam from the blog. I finally gave up on posting about it when I started getting hundreds a day. I think that when you mock them, they get aggressive.
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@therealbirdman They do, eh? Excellent, I need more material!
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My favorite is #5.
I have been getting very strange spam as comments on my blog. You have inspired me to post them. Eventually.
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@YoungmanBrown Glad to be an inspiration! Spam commenting is serious business, I need all the help I can get.
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I am somehow able to delete my spam without even reading the first sentence. Maybe I should pay more attention….could be worth a chuckle!
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@workingdan I admire your will power. Although in this case the first sentence is also the only one, so it’s a bit more manageable!
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I occasionally blog about spam comments and e-mails as well. Some of the things they come up with are quite interesting. But, I don’t know if I can honestly say I’ve seen some of these things in the e-mails/comments I’ve gotten. Very funny stuff!
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@P.J. Hehehe and they just keep on coming too (this wasn’t one of the lines). I’ve now done 3 posts with 10 lines each and I’ve got around 30 more lines in my “drafts”. They should get an award or something! Glad you liked the post, thanks for dropping a comment.
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More fascinating than the spam – is the fact that you collect it and can turn it into something so entertaining! Possibly you should send this post to all penis enlargement corporations to enlighten them about their PR methods. Fun to imagine them reading through this 😉
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I will happily spam…ahem…send this post to all of them! Now I just need their emails 😉
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Now I’m just wondering what sort of websites you visit to generate that much penis spam in a week.
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“Penis spam.” Now there’s a phrase that would change a Hawai’ian’s diet in a hurry! 😛
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@Martin_Bannon If motivation’s ever needed to turn a man vegetarian….
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@Martin_Bannon If you ever need to turn a man vegetarian…
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That email address is from 2003. Those were dark times. Finding…entertainment….took dedication and effort, but once you did it was glorious. Of course I knew it would come back to haunt me and my mailbox at some point…I’m paying for my actions!
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Your “post” is a gigantic hit with the ladies. I feel awkward commenting on your “post” being a dude. I thought you were going to compare spam to the bone collector…oh, I see what you did there!
So, we now know you you as the comparative collector of the largest ball of spam. Well done. Or should I say rah-rah-rahah-ah.
WG
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@wilyguy Hhehehe comments about my “post” from men are welcome, as long as it doesn’t go beyond that! I do indeed boast a pretty impressive collection at this stage – definitely something to be proud of!
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@Daniel Nest Speaking of male “posts”: when I was in Prague in 1997 I was flipping through some personal ads in a magazine at a kiosk in the Hlavní Nádraží when I came upon…uh, stumbled upon…an ad that read: Attractive Pole. The photo that accompanied the ad left it open to interpretation as to whether it was his nationality he was referencing or something else…
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Flashback Fun: I, spam collector: 10… http://t.co/BtZlbHVu #BestOfNest #Lists
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And to think I deleted all that fun in my junkmail! Now I’ll have to check it out…lol.
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@MEFranco1 Tsk tsk tsk, all that comedy down the drain! I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson here today 😉
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I want a dick so that i can call it Cockzilla, the hammer of doom..
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@MariaTeresa Hehheee….careful what you wish for – you may end up stuck with an Eva Longoria! 😉
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OMG You crack me up! I have a hate/love relationship with spam. So annoying, yet stupidly funny at the same time.
By the way, I am the beneficiary of Muhammar Khadaffi’s millions..
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@mirjamrose Always happy to make people laugh 🙂 And amen – spam is an unexplored goldmine of comedy material! As for those millions…do you have a contact to your lawyer so that I can send him/her my bank details then?
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That’s it… I’m getting Eva Longoria tattooed on my Louisville slugger so I can rip some major blouse… Call me Cockzilla!
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@Martin Bannon I’m pretty sure both “Cockzilla” and “Eva Longoria” are now trademarked, so be sure to check up on the formalities before you go ahead! 😉
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LOL! I understand why you get them. You’re their ‘marketing target’ and I’m not trying to say that you’re ummm deficient in anyway, just that you’re a man. What I don’t understand is why I get them instead of the ‘increase your bust by two cup sizes’ ones!
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@dianasschwenk I say that’s just them missing out on a great marketing opportunity! Bad market research leads to bad spam…as opposed to all that great spam out there!
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