Throughout history mankind has faced three primary hazards: starvation, dehydration and walking into solid objects. The two former dangers have been rendered less acute over the years as we gradually found new ways to procure food and water.
Alas, the last danger remains as pressing today as it has ever been. In fact, the invention of glass and its subsequent use in construction have elevated this threat to unprecedented levels. Glass has a well-documented tendency towards being transparent and therefore somewhat difficult to see. Consequently, people oftentimes do not notice this hidden peril until it’s far, far too late.
As someone who has been personally affected by this menace I feel I can speak with some authority on the subject. Today I will offer you a humble instructional guide to walking into glass, with videos. Make no mistake, this guide is not meant to help you avoid the impact. There are no reliable ways to prevent glass collisions. No, this guide is here to show you how to deal with the inevitable. When you eventually walk into glass, you can at least do this on your own terms. Here’s how:
7. The Socially Conscious
Notice the full circle the woman makes after impact? That’s the key – you want to do a complete survey of the area to assess how many people may have seen your run in with glass. Bonus points if you can make the “survey circle” look like it’s a part of your regular routine. “Who? Me? No no, I always do a little waltz before I exit any building. Thanks for asking, though!”
6. The Quit’n'Go
I want you to know this: it is perfectly OK to concede defeat. You can’t always win. Most of the time you can carry on with your day after glass-incidents, but there will be days where you have neither the energy nor the will to do so. In those cases it’s more than acceptable to say: “You win this round, door! I didn’t really want to go shopping in the first place. Until next time!”
5. The Nonchalant
This one is supremely difficult to pull off, but is also the most satisfying. It requires quick thinking, high pain tolerance and good acting skills. The key to it is shrugging the collision off in the first 1-2 seconds, otherwise it just doesn’t work.
Step one: Collide with glass
Step two: Recover from impact within maximum 2 seconds
Step three: Pretend that nothing at all has happened
Step four: Continue with exactly what you were doing before impact
4. The Helpful
You can’t do much to save yourself, but you can certainly help others avoid the same fate. You will need a substance that is visible and can cover a large area. Coffee works great for this purpose, but milkshakes, smoothies and other colourful liquids will do the trick. It is important to hold the liquid out in front of you. You want to make sure it covers the glass instead of your clothes. That would be embarrassing, wouldn’t it?
3. The Nonconformist
You’re a rebel. You don’t play by society’s rules! How do you make sure to communicate this? Well, encounters with glass can help you do that. First you need to establish the path of least resistance. In the above case this is represented by a wide-open door in your direct line of sight. Once you have located this path you want to make a deliberate and obvious effort to avoid using it. Sure, you will end up smashing some windows, but at least you won’t be taking the easy way out like the rest of those sheeple.
2. The Stooge
Let’s face it: everyone loves a jester! Why not turn your misery into entertainment and make others laugh? Get a running start at the glass door. Make noises. Make people aware of your intentions so they start paying attention to you. Once you hit the glass you may want to fall backwards comically. Of course, being naked helps. Being naked always helps in these situations!
1. The Bipolar
This one should only be attempted by professionals and seasoned glass shatterers, as it is almost impossible to execute convincingly. You should spend at least half a minute establishing your shy personality. Act helpless and look around awkwardly. Make a show out of rummaging through your papers. You have to make people believe you’re a quiet and reserved person.
Once your shy persona is established, it’s time to CHAAAAAARGE! No warning. No middle ground. No asking people how doors work or trying to examine the door closer. No. You need to transition from shy to The Hulk in a split second. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde got nothing on you!
If performed successfully it will leave everyone asking the same question: “What the hell has just happened?!”. Also, that stupid glass door will have learned its lesson once and for all!
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My stomach hurts from laughing! Hysterical! I haven’t walked into glass yet, but it’s good to know that I’ll be prepared now.
@MEFranco1 I’m happy to hear my wise advice is taken seriously!
Hilarious! Loved your commentary and explanations. I am ready to try these myself…or not.
I’d encourage you to try at least 2-3 to begin with and evaluate it from there…don’t rush into anything. Well, unless that anything is glass
Thanks for your comment!
OUCH!! How many times have I done this myself? Let me count the ways….silently. Thanks to Carrie Rubin for sharing (actually stalking) you. So good….so good!!
Walking into glass is a fine art, something Justin Bieber apparently can attest to! And I myself am not excluded from the lucky group of glass smashers
. Glad you liked it, thanks for stopping by!
Hi Daniel. Carrie Rubin kicked me over here and I’m glad she did. This was funny. Your commentaries made the videos much funnier.
Hey Wendy! I’m happy you liked it
Thanks for dropping by and commenting!
Followed crubin’s advice and stalked myself over to see what was what. Certainly NOT disappointed!! *ouch*
If you get a second, read Daniel’s humorous take on an embarrassing moment. @NestExpressed “7 ways to walk into glass” http://t.co/WwKz7a2p
Too funny, great commentary. I want to share this, but I picked today to be serious. Don’t worry, Monday is a day away.
Happy to hear I could make you laugh! Will be great to get a share on your “funny” day
Thanks for commenting!
Daniel, you have way too much time on your hands. I waste enough time *watching* these videos, but compiling and annotating them? I’m glad somebody’s got the time to do these important things for me!
@Martin Bannon What can I say?! I sacrifice my precious time for the benefit of mankind as a whole! It’s a hard job, but someone’s got to do it!
It is rare that a blog post can keep me laughing once it gets me there, but this one succeeded. Thanks for lowering my blood pressure about 10 points. I am rounding up blog posts I can direct my readers to when I’m on vacation this summer. Would you mind if I use this one in June or August, by linking to your post? Full credit to you, of course. This one is just too good not to share.
@crubin I’m happy to make you laugh! Of course, you’re more than welcome to link to the post. I wouldn’t say no to free publicity!
@Daniel Nest
Excellent. Thanks!
Thank you Thank You Thank You!!!!! I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face!!!
@dianasschwenk Happy to make you laugh, you’re more than welcome!
Ouch! I have never walked into a glass door as far as I can remember, my day is most likely coming. I did get caught for a few seconds between a revolving door.
Oh yeah, those are tricky too! Doors and humans aren’t meant to co-exist
Very funny
@candacemountain I’ll assume you weren’t being sarcastic
. In which case – I agree!
HAhahahahah the streaker one is perfect!
@MariaTeresa Yup, it fails on so many levels!