Oct 062013
 

Today’s WTF Report is brought to you courtesy of Etsy.com, otherwise known as the place where people sell physical manifestations of their nightmares under the guise of deceptive words like “vintage”, “handmade” and “craft”.

I’m about to show you a picture of an educational doll.

This doll is meant to teach kids about childbirth, so you know it’s going to be tasteful and…

Creepy Childbirth Doll, WTF Report: The Miracle of Childbirth

Mom, it’s a-me, Mario!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Why?! WHY?! MY EYES!

Before you accuse me of assaulting your eyes with creepy pornography without warning, please do keep in mind that this is marketed as an educational doll. For children.

There are many things I could make fun of, based on the picture alone. I could comment on how the kid appears to have a huge trucker moustache. Alternatively, his mother has an unnatural forest-like growth on her abdomen that must be attended to by a professional. I could point out how the child is arriving to this world immediately expecting a high five. Or is that the umbilical cord, fighting its way out ahead of the baby? Some questions are best left unanswered.

I won’t make fun of any of those things. Instead, I’ll share with you some of the best highlights from the childbirth doll’s description:

The doll is apparently award winning, in categories like “Most Creative” and “Best in Show”. I certainly won’t argue with the “creative” part – anything that stretches beyond the limits of what a sane mind can adequately comprehend can technically be labelled “creative”. “Best in Show” only holds true if the doll ran against a hand-made dead pigeon dressed as a ballet dancer, assembled by a psycho who killed at least seventeen people in his life.

The childbirth doll is apparently “anatomically correct”, which is also true in that she has the proper amount of limbs.

Finally, “she makes a great addition to any midwifery practice, or for any birth professional that works with siblings.” Yes she does, if your goal is to convince said siblings that their future sister or brother is the spawn of evil who will arrive to this world in a hellish ritual that leaves their mother drained of all energy and will to live.

Have fun with your new toy, kids. And remember, peaceful sleep is for losers!

Leave a comment, get a reply. That's how I roll.

  25 Responses to “WTF Report: “The Miracle of Childbirth””

Comments (24)
  1. Playing the whole “found this funny dude’s blog, binge reading-catching up” game…

    I just got here to this WTF…and predictably, I said: “WTF!”

    I think this knitted nightmare was a recreation of H.R. Giger’s whole “Victorious Woman” series, but somehow more creepy, with yarn.

    Hate dolls. “Killed” most of my sister’s dolls growing up. These are worse.
    These are just….beyond, man.

    I might need to go for a walk or something. To buy brain bleach.

     
    • Sorry to do this to you! Hope sanity is still lurking around in your mind, somewhere.

      And yeah, dolls are terrifying in general, but these particular ones are plain nuts!

       
  2. Holy crap, just when you think you’ve seen it all. This is just lovely. I’ll be sure to order several for the Toys for Tots Christmas Gift Drive.

     
  3. Wow, nightmare fuel for sure! I’m not sure giant pointy nipples are required to teach kids about childbirth. Also, I was born fist-first – pretty sure I was cuter than that though.

     
  4. Kids are far more intelligent than we give them credit for. I find this doll very creepy. I gotta believe kids would too.
    WTF indeed! I dunno. Maybe it’s OK for hippies in the commune who don’t get cable.

     
    • Unless the purpose of the doll is to warn kids about the dangers of pregnancy and reproduction? Like an extreme “save the planet from humans” move? Who knows…

       
  5. Unbefuckinglievable! Sorry but for real?! Thanks Daniel we thought we’d seen it all. Just added this to our Xmas list as a great gift for newly-weds, expecting parents or deranged serial killers…lol. You never fail to raise our spirits making as laugh our ass off as usual. Keep up the great posts and wierd shit~never would’ve found or heard about something like that in a million years….except on Nest Expressed!

     
  6. You know I just finished eating, which got me thinking why can’t they make a pre-birth doll that has morning sickness and actually vomits? I think that would be the less disturbing of the two. And why in the hell is it crochet? A crochet doll that gives birth to a yarn baby? What were the rest of the dolls made of play dough?

     
  7. I find that doll somewhat disturbing. I wonder whether it comes with accessories, such as forceps (pair of pliers), umbilical cord (a rotting eel) and clotted blood?

     
  8. Let’s just say that if my midwife had introduced this doll to me or my oldest child to explain the birth of my second one, I would have been in search of new midwife! :) That’s just freaky…

     
  9. I’m a firm believer in answering a child’s questions honestly but in an age-appropriate manner. That doll goes way beyond age-appropriate. Rather than answer a young child’s question, it would likely scare them and only raise more. Good grief, it scares me, and I’ve witnessed childbirth many times over!

    Ah, those times when the baby arrives “to this world immediately expecting a high five” are truly magical. And terrifying. Especially for the obstetrician since that’s not the way nature intended it… ;)

     
  10. Bring back the F word posts… PLEASE!

     
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