Today I bring you a hilarious rant/advice from Kombucha on decorating bachelor pads. Enter Kombucha:

Dear Guys,

This is a letter to you from your future girlfriend. Or maybe a friend of hers. At the very least, a fellow woman who has her best interests at heart.

It’s about your place.

Yes, we know you love your apartment just the way it is. It’s not quite a man cave, but it’s your cave, and you probably feel pretty comfortable being pretty Neanderthal-esque there most of the time. But there are a few things that we thought you might want to change if you are ever thinking about finding the woman of your dreams.

Such as:

Your alcohol collection from college. Please throw it out. We do not care how many beers you drank or what bizarre countries they may have been from.

That picture of your ex. Yeah, it may be tucked away under a side table or clustered on a bookshelf with a bunch of other pictures, some even containing legitimate family members. But we’re perceptive, and we’re going to see it no matter where it is. We have x-ray vision for stuff like that. So put it away, unless she’s still in your life, in which case please don’t ask us out.

Your kitchen. Please have some basic pots and pans so we can cook you a meal. Or, better yet, you can cook us a meal. If a quick survey of the cupboards reveals a random collection of old cookware that should be disposed of at a garage sale, we’re going to assume you always eat out and have no nesting potential whatsoever.

The TVs in every room. Just don’t do it. It’s weird, and it makes us think you have the attention span of a hamster. The excuse “I have to keep an eye on the market” just doesn’t impress.

That black leather couch. You might as well put up a sign on the door that says “Welcome to Bachelorville.” It is OK, but keep it in the fun zone by making it comfortable. Pick up a few graphic pillows and a soft fleece throw so we’ll actually want to sit on it.

Your porn collection. Hide it like your mom is coming to visit. That should be something you’re familiar with.

And finally, the bathroom. We don’t care how it’s decorated. Even dancing Tahitian girls on the towels are OK. But please, please, please keep it clean.

See you soon,

The judgmental friend you’ll be working hard to impress

Kombucha is a contributing writer for RENTCafe where you can find apartments in Atlanta, along with entertaining and insightful articles on the RENTCafe apartment living blog.