eBay is a great place. Even though I’ve never bid on anything myself, I’m sure countless people have become proud owners of everything from collectible toothpicks to self-sufficient private islands and nuclear launch codes.
It’s a place where buyers can find almost anything they want and sellers get a fair price for whatever it is they’re selling. Hurrah to consumerism!
However, in the deepest recesses of eBay lurk some truly special finds. These magical spells and items bestow limitless powers onto their owners and are only available to the select few, namely those who can type words like “magic”, “powers”, or “haunted” into the search box. As for all the rest of you, tough luck – enjoy being ordinary!
Due to an unfortunate and inexcusable oversight eBay forgot to create a “Superpowers” category in the menu. That’s why these magic items and spells are usually inconveniently filed under the “Everything Else” category. Don’t let that fool you, their magic is very much real (at least if their product descriptions are anything to go by)!
I have conducted extensive research into this treasure chest of awesomeness and can now proudly bring you a non-exhaustive (by far) list of superpowers that can be yours for as little as $2,99 (plus shipping).
1. Extraordinary Luck
If you’ve got $9,99 and an impaired grasp of reality, you can buy your way to a “VERY SPECIAL GOOD LUCK RING FULLY CHARGED!!! WEALTH LOVE SEX POWER“:
“I’m confused, what does it do?”, you may be wondering. Wait, you’re saying you still haven’t bought it?! You need more explanation than “WEALTH LOVE SEX POWER”? OK, this ring is…it will give you…it’s…you know what? I’ll let the seller tell you:
You know this ring is special because the owner uses the word “special” four times in one paragraph and uses ALL CAPS italicized red font. How much more special do you want it to be, you ungrateful schmuck?
The only possible downside is the disclaimer at the bottom stating “I AM REQUIRED TO TELL YOU THESE ITEMS ARE FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY” (even the fine print is in ALL CAPS). This isn’t a big hurdle, because “WEALTH LOVE SEX POWER” sounds like pure entertainment in the first place!
Do you want to stay young forever? Do you have 10 dollars? If you have answered “yes” to both questions, then look no further than “STAY YOUNG FOREVER, MAGIC,SPIRITUAL,WICCAN SPRAY!”
There are just so many things this spray does that I have space to recap only a few of them. This spray is for those of you who want to (and I quote):
1) Stay young, not aging.
2) “Tern” time back.
3) Stay fresh and YOUNG GOOD LOOKING.
The description for this item was apparently written by a dyslexic random word generator with Tourette’s. Or maybe that’s how you sound when you’ve mastered the art of “terning” back time. After you’ve learned to do that, useless concepts like spelling and grammar cease to have meaning. Let foolish mortals worry about them, with their dictionaries and their spell checkers, while you stay fresh and YOUNG GOOD LOOKING!
This is for those of you who have always envied Wolverine his ability to heal wounds. Which, let’s face it, is all of us! Such healing doesn’t come cheap, though. You will have to shell out a whole $40 to experience a “Remote Reconnective Healing session“.
This seller doesn’t mess around. Boldly stealing an iconic image from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel to promote your eBay sale communicates two things:
1) Your healing abilities are on par with God himself. What else is the use of that image supposed to symbolise?
2) You’re above the law and artistic trademarks can kiss your ass.
A long and detailed (not to mention crazy) description of “Reconnective Healing” is provided by the seller, but here’s what you truly need to know (again, the following are direct quotes):
- It’s “a form of healing that is here on the planet for the very first time“. This clearly hints to the healing method’s extraterrestrial origins. A multitude of alien species have been successfully using this healing for millennia and now it’s finally available right here on Earth!
- “…with this specific type of healing, the body goes into a state of super coherence, which science has never seen before“. Remember how bodies used to be just incoherent jelly-like blobs? Well, that ends today, thanks to Reconnective Healing!
- “…scientists are rewriting the laws of physics and mathematics because of it“. So, yeah, there’s that, too.
- “Every health challenge is a combination of the physical, mental, spiritual, emotional (and probably a few other classifications we don’t have words for)“. This is probably the first honest statement in the whole description.
Unlike the sellers of “Immortality Spray” and “Good Luck Ring”, this one doesn’t actually ship anything to you. Instead, you’re treated via a remote healing session, without ever meeting the healer. The sceptical ones among you may start to get suspicious right about now. However, let me alleviate your doubts by having the seller emphatically explain how this works:
Reconnective Healing doesn’t specifically “treat” anything. If in its presence you allow yourself to come back into balance, as many people do, then you do. You just do.
4. Seeing The Future + 5. Spirit Control
Want to be like that kid from The Sixth Sense, but with the added benefit of controlling the ghosts? Or if that’s too boring, how about seeing the future? Behold the “HAUNTED PARANORMAL PSYCHIC ABILITY RING ENHANCE YOUR MAGIC POWER AND KNOW ALL!!!”
There’s a background story that comes with this one. I’ll try to summarize it:
The owner of this ring/spell (the seller is slightly confused as to what she’s selling) belongs to a group of “elite individuals” (where “elite” stands for “insane”) who possess the knowledge of this powerful spell/ring. She also possesses the ability to make stars flash in the background of her “Description” page and the power to insert irrelevant images of skeletons into the aforementioned page. She can no longer keep the ring’s secret to herself. She doesn’t want to watch the suffering of her fellow man, knowing she can help.
So, does she use the overwhelming powers of this magical ring to help her fellow man? Does she hand it over to someone pure, who can use it for good? Nonsense! She auctions it off on eBay to the highest bidder, because that’s what all other elite individuals do!
If you don’t believe in the power of this ring yet, you need only look at the picture provided:
So if you want to control ghosts, see the future and be “elite” in many other ways – hurry! And bring 3 dollars!
6. Invisibility + 7. Mind Control
These two are well at the top of the “awesome superpowers” list. Now, thanks to eBay, you can have both for 17 bucks. That’s less than 9 dollars per power!
I bring you…drum-roll…”Haunted Mayan Shaman Servitor Alux Ring biokinesis teleportation telepathy power“! Phew.
The description for this item includes a full-length historical dissertation on its origin. Something about an ancient civilization and the spirit contained within the ring. I’ve made an honest attempt to read it, but was distracted by the bright green text and my impatience to learn what the ring-spirit can actually do. So I skipped ahead to the powers (conveniently arranged in bullet point format).
And boy, was I rewarded! There are more than ten things the spirit/djinn does! These include the amazing “convey the secrets of invisibility” and “thought teleportation telepathy – making people think what you want them to”. However, even these fade in comparison to its ability to “win court case” and “increase your sales”!
Backing up this incredible artifact are some solid “Testamonials”. Well, there’s actually only one, but its sheer awesomeness makes it count for at least three:
If you can’t trust a testimonial from someone with “experiance” who also has had many different experiences, then who can you trust? Who, I ask you?!
8. Time Travel
Wow, this one is a biggie! Many movies and TV series have revolved around time travel and it kicks almost every other superpower’s ass. Surely that’s not something you could just get at an online auct…BAAAM: “Amazing Ability to Time Travel Spell from Ancient Genie”
Not only can you travel to any future or past point in the history of the world, you can also travel to any point in your own lifetime! It’s mind-blowing. The best part is, the effect is cumulative: the more money you spend on this spell, the further you can travel!
To begin your time travel you only need to follow a few simple steps:
I’m not sure why a photo is required, especially since it’s “optional”. Maybe the genie only offers his services to attractive people? Maybe the seller is lonely (time travel has its downsides) and wants to feel a human connection? Anyway, if I’ve learned anything at all from the Internet it’s that you never doubt someone whose email address consists of a type of beverage and a number sequence.
Remember, though, step 4 is important. You must believe. Who knows what miracles you can achieve, when you believe?