Today we get the ultimate pillow fighting guide from Mark Gregory, a professional pillow-gladiator. Enter Mark:

Pillow fights are serious business.  To the victor go the spoils and the glory, and the loser knows he has been bested in a game of such simplicity that his shame will burn redder than his exhausted, battered, puffing, cheeks.

Like any serious martial art, pillow fighting must be practiced and studied for one to become a great.  The best pillow fighters in history (probably) practiced every day till their lungs were sore and their arms could no longer lift what seemed to them to be a pillow made of stone.  There are some tips one can try and follow to best one’s opponent, and save oneself from this arduous life of daily toil and discipline.

1)      Know your weapon.  The pillow may seem like an innocuous choice to try and eviscerate your enemy with, but it is unfortunately all we have to work with.  The weight of your pillow is going to be all-important.  Although choosing a particularly light pillow will give you the edge when it comes to speed, you may find that it does not pack enough of a punch to knock the wind out of your bedfellow’s sails.

Choosing a medium or large pillow will cost you more in terms of stamina, but it tends to pay off dividends in the beginnings of a fight.  Some pillows will be naturally more stuffed; choose these if you can.  It is said that a lumpy pillow where the contents have all accumulated in one end is a formidable weapon indeed.

2)      Know your opponent.   Psychological warfare is a big part of pillow fights; if you can get under your partners skin by taunts or aggravating behavior then they may slip up, causing them to be off balance or exert too much energy.  Size them up; are they going to be in the pillow fight for the long haul, or is it best to try and get them to give up defeat as quickly as possible?

3)      Pillow fighting is a lot like other martial arts that require the use of your partner’s balance, a good tip is to wait for them to make a large swing and deftly get out of their way, paving the way for a devastating pillow in the back of the head for the foolish challenger.

As your skills grow, you can utilize some of the more complex moves in the art of pillow fighting, for example, the ‘no more, I give up’ fake.  Faking exhaustion or defeat only to turn on your disarmed opponent may seen unsportsmanlike, but this is the world of pillow fighting, where no holds are barred.

Mark Gregory recommends Landmark Linen, who offer Emperor Duvets and monsoon bedding supplies.