Everyone knows breakfast cereal can be deadly. Well fear no longer, Taggart has got you covered. Enter Taggart:
When I was a kid, there were very few things I was scared of. Rabid dogs, kids named Pat, and fat people in spandex. Now that I’m older and have a better grip on reality, I can add one more. Something that tears at our flesh, makes our bodies shake and yet we come back for more. Yes, I’m talking about breakfast cereal.
Don’t worry, I’m here to help. I’ve analyzed and listed below the top 10 most dangerous cereals available today. You can rest assured, knowing you now have the truth about these bite-sized hazards. No thanks necessary.
1. Cap’n Crunch
The pieces are so small and bite sized, luring you in with their golden goodness, but don’t be fooled! All it takes is a single bowl and you will begin to feel the scraping abrasiveness of this cereal siren. If you must place the cereal in the bowl, fill it with milk and wait five minutes. Once the milk has been absorbed, it’s safe to consume.
Smiling kids on the box is nothing but a sinister ploy, encouraging you to reach for the wagon wheel discs of doom. Sure they taste great, but the pieces are so large, it would take a horse to swallow an actual spoonful.
3. Grape Nuts
Don’t think all the danger comes from children’s cereal. Post’s Grape Nuts may look small and unassuming, but that’s only until you take a mouthful. It’s all a deception; there are neither grapes, nor nuts in the box! The little bits of wheat and barley work to loosen the fillings in your teeth. This is nothing more than an elaborate ploy to increase traffic to the dentist.
4. Lucky Charms
Oh, there’s nothing lucky about this; it’s all by design. The first cereal to include marshmallow pieces, General Mills knew full well that once those marshmallows hit the milk, they’re a gagging episode waiting to happen. That’s right, if you shovel too many spoonfuls into your mouth without chewing or swallowing, you are definitely in for some trouble.
Another choking hazard is Life cereal. Pour milk over your bowl and count to twenty—you’ll have a suffocating clump of goo. Remember the little boy, Mikey, from the 1970’s commercials? Yeah, well where is he now, huh? Move over, Jimmy Hoffa.
6. Count Chocula
Look at the box carefully. The count is a vampire. Vampires suck the life out of their victims, right? We give this cereal to our kids. A single bowl is loaded with enough sugar to give an entire third-world country cavities. When our offspring get that sugar rush, who gets stuck dealing with it? Parents! That’s right, my friend, General Mills has done it again and sucked the life from the parents, by producing humanoid super-balls of sugar.
P.S….I also have a working theory that this cereal is, in fact, the government’s attempt to desensitize us to the presence of vampires.
7. Frosted Flakes
These have long been a favorite in our household; until I realized it’s nothing more than an experimental nebulizer. You know what I’m talking about – that last bowl of Frosted Flakes always comes out in a spray of sugar dust…or is it sugar? Hmmmm.
8. Fruit Loops
Perhaps the best tasting cereal on my list, Fruit Loops are dangerous on two levels. One is the choking hazard of not chewing the ring-shaped pieces enough before swallowing. Another is that Kellogg’s puts enough sugar in Fruit Loops to make even a healthy liver and pancreas work overtime before 8am in the morning. On a positive note, the leftover milk in a bowl of Fruit Loops is the satisfying dessert to my breakfast.
9. Raisin Bran
This is the enemy to all denture-wearing seniors. It looks healthy, it sounds healthy, but those raisins are 100% hell. Douse them in milk and a little saliva and it becomes an industrial bonding agent. Grandpa lost his false teeth just this morning and still can’t pry them apart.
10. Kashi GOLEAN Crunch!
Kashi is the yin-yang cereal. Just when I think I’m rewarding my body by eating twice the protein and fiber of the average cereal, my teeth reject it. I’ve bought many a box of this surprisingly yummy cereal, only to have it sit in my pantry after the first bowl reminds me how hard it is. Kashi should put a warning on their cereal boxes saying “Kashi is best served having soaked in milk for 24 hours.”
There you have it. I have done my best to warn you of the perils of these products used in my morning ritual. If soaking your favorite cereal in milk for 10 minutes doesn’t do the trick, try some scrambled eggs or oatmeal instead!
Do you have an experience of being injured by cold cereal? Let me know in the comment section below!
Taggart writes for CableTV.com, check them out for XFINITY Internet. In his free time he writes about his three main passions: business, technology, and entertainment. You can follow him on Twitter: @CallMeTagg.
15 thoughts on “Guest Expressed: “The 10 Most Dangerous Breakfast Cereals””
I actually full on choked eating Kashi GOLEAN cereal at work today. I really though I was taking my last breaths. I felt like a herd of cattle was staring at me doing nothing. I finally brought myself to scream and somehow got out of it.
Ouch, that sounds violent. Those cereal brands are out to get you! Good you’re okay.
I’d like to add Shreddies. Their razor sharp edges go down like a bowlful of glass shards.
Also Mini Wheats. Mini Wheats are not really as small as the mini would lead you to believe. Also unless you let them fully absorb a bowlful of milk, they will suck the moisture out of your entire body before you can digest them properly!
I’m starting to discover that there are plenty of cereal danger experts out there! Thanks for your insight on this undoubtedly serious issue, someone has to take a stand against the madness!
I’d like to say I agree with every one of your assessments, but that would mean I’d have to admit to eating all of these different cereals at some time or another. Which I have.
@crubin I’ll take your expert opinion at face value. You and Taggart are true cereal experts! Glad you liked the post!
@crubin I have a short memory when I’m walking thru the cereal aisle!
That’s probably due to eating those cereals… 🙂
hahahaha!!! How funny! 😀 Being English, I don’t recognise all of these lol
@emailmanROCKS I know even fewer of them myself ;). Glad you enjoyed the article – credit to Taggart!
Haha!! This is so perfect! Fruity Pebbles is my sugar cereal go to. I know that is loaded with spoonfuls of sugar. Peanut Butter Capt’n Crunch also does quite the number to the pallet of anyone’s poor lil mouth! But you can’t have just one bowl!! Good stuff Tag, good stuff!
@Littlehippy A co-worker told me I left out Cracker Jack cereal. I had to refer to Google for that – it was a little before my time!
Very funny! Laughing to hard too think of anything bitingly sarcastic to say! And that is a big deal, for me.
Glad you like it – all credit goes to Taggart, who’s the author of this bit. And wow…the first non-sarcastic comment of yours on this blog – a truly momentous occasion!
@Daniel Nest Just when I think I have the spelling thing down- Grammar comes in and kicks my butt! It is sew sad.