The last time I dared to venture into the dark vaults of Google patents library I dug up some clearly insane self-defence gadgets. I managed to recover from the ordeal with most of my sanity intact and only a tiny part of my soul irreversibly scarred.
A few days ago I decided to do some more patent browsing. Only this time I needed a more innocent topic. Something that would make people smile and think of the good things in life.
“What could be more innocent than toys designed for kids?” I thought…foolish mortal, how wrong I was!
What I have discovered is that there are thousands of children’s dolls being patented and that a good chunk of them are embodiments of evil. I will never watch another horror movie again, simply because no movie will ever come as close to scaring me shitless as these patented dolls.
“Children’s laughter makes me sad…and hungry”
Allow me to introduce some dolls that range from creepy to Hell incarnate. Make no mistake: inventors of these dolls are not out to make the world better. No, these people have sworn vengeance against all children. Worst of all, their understanding of human anatomy is based exclusively on nightmares and assembly instructions for medieval torture devices.
10. My Best Friend Doll (Patent: US20110237154)
There’s nothing inherently wrong with a child having a toy for a best friend. Many of us even had imaginary friends and some of us still do (shut up Fred, I’m talking!). However, this particular patent reads like a schematic for a secret ploy to infiltrate children’s ranks and steal their smiles.
The doll is designed to speak messages that were “pre-recorded in a life-like child’s voice”. The inventors didn’t even want an actual child to record these messages. They’re OK with a “life-like” approximation.
Furthermore, the doll “comprises a housing in the form of a human infant body comprising a head having human facial features.” I’m pretty sure that’s a passage from Humans for Dummies book written by Martians. Now, let’s take a look at illustrations of this “human infant” doll:
“We come in peace, human child. Surrender now! We have candy!”
I can’t tell why inventors believe that “human infant” is synonymous with “cross-dressing sex offender”, but at least now it’s clear why they hate children so much!
9. Blowing Doll (Patent: US20020094746)
I’m sure that this doll with a wildly misleading name disappointed many a lonely male in search of companionship. However, it’s not only adults that stand to have their dreams crushed by this invention.
The idea behind this doll is to have it expel “a flow of air from its mouth when stimulated by the passage near its mouth of…hot food or a hot beverage, for the purpose of cooling” it. I have no idea why kids would want a toy whose only function is to blow on their food, but at least this premise sounds innocent enough at first. It is only when you look at the sad monstrosity that you realise how psychologically scarring this toy can get:
“Please…just…just kill me…kill me now!”
Not only is it a really depressed looking rabbit-rooster-hybrid arm amputee, but whenever you offer it food or beverage it actively sighs because it has lost its will to live. Well, at least by giving your kids this toy you absolve yourself of ever having to explain to them the tragic insignificance of life and inevitability of death. They’ll learn quickly enough on their own!
8. Space Baby Doll (Patent: USD637242)
If you have just read “Space Baby Doll” and thought “nothing wrong here, let’s see where this is going”, then wake the hell up! We’re talking about a children’s toy that is inspired by creatures from outer space. Nothing good can ever come out of this idea! Very few movies about aliens portray them as likeable beings. OK, there’s E.T., but even that guy looks like a humanoid lizard with oversized binoculars in place of a head.
But maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong about this. Maybe they’ve managed to make a nice little alien doll that brings about happiness and doesn’t look like Frankenstein monster’s inbred cousin. Let’s take a look:
“I smile because I can see your soul”
You know, now I really do wish I was wrong…
7. Interactive Doll (Patent: USD636448)
This tiny fellow is actually kind of cute. You can pretend he’s your mini robot buddy. Take him for a walk with you, make him dance, decapitate him and shove his inverted torso into his head upside down. Possibilities are endless! And who cares that he looks like the victim of an eerily precise sniper shot?
I love everyb…OOOW, my brains! Son of a bitch!
Also, unlike many useless toys this doll can actually teach kids valuable lessons. It will prepare your child for properly taking care of, maintaining and worshipping our robot overlords when they finally take over Earth in 2031.
6. “Squash Beak” Doll (Patent: USD328932)
There isn’t much to say about this doll aside from the fact that it’s a creative representation of the Devil himself.
What’s impressive here is that in spite of the massive head trauma undoubtedly suffered by this abomination’s inventor, he actually pulled off a seemingly impossible feat: this monster looks equally terrifying from absolutely any angle.
Here:
The many faces of Lucifer
Sleep tight, kids!
5. “Three Boob” Doll (Patent: USD408873)
Have you ever wondered what a hellish spawn of a silverback gorilla and that triple-breasted woman from Total Recall would look like? If yes, then what the fuck is wrong with you?! Also, enjoy:
Well, hi there!
As creepy as this doll is to begin with, it only gets worse when you realise that even though it’s clearly wearing Dutch clogs on its feet in the above picture it somehow manages to slip out of them when you look at it from below:
Peekaboo!
Anyway, there’s probably a completely sane explanation for this. Maybe the creature’s clogs are simply made out of human feet?
4. “Jesus” Doll (Patent: USD528171)
Now here’s a fine example of a doll made with good intentions. This toy is from a series of “dolls formed in the likeness of the Lord Jesus”. It is meant to teach kids good Christian values and the difference between right and wrong. The concept is solid! The execution…not so much.
You see, many of us have probably met a hobo who claimed to be Jesus at some point in our lives. However, while most of us chose to ignore said hobo, the inventor of this doll not only believed him, but rushed to make a Jesus doll that looked like his carbon copy:
…and so Jesus said unto them: “Hey, got some spare change?”
I must have missed the chapter of the Bible that portrays Jesus as an unshaven hippie whose skin has acquired the texture and pattern of his clothing. Fortunately, I now have this doll to teach me the error of my ways.
3. Interactive Toy (Patent: US20090117816)
This smart toy is built to simulate interaction with humans and/or other similar toys. It can be customized to create “an appearance of a human, an animal, a machine, a robot, a mythical creature, a cartoon character, a fish, or other simulateable [sic] character.”
Many questions arise here. Why not just say “customizable appearance” and leave it at that? Why single out “fish” in that random stream-of-consciousness list, when “animal” already covers it? Most importantly – does the inventor have any examples of these numerous and varying appearances? The answer is “Yes, a whopping total of two”:
They live among us…
Of all the countless appearances the inventor listed he chose the following two to illustrate his point: a droopy eyed criminal and a female stroke victim (if her contorted face is anything to go by).
To those of you who wonder why I decided to brand that man-doll a criminal, I’d like to direct your attention to his clearly visible teardrop tattoo. That man is so badass that even the smiley on his T-shirt has a teardrop tattoo of its own. Way to give kids some role models to “interact” with!
2. Motorized Doll (Patent: US20100216370)
“Motorized” and “doll” rank pretty high on the list of “words that should never ever be put together, ever”. This invention illustrates exactly why that is. The inventor dedicates almost 20 whole pages to pictures of this inhuman freak defying physics and laws of motion. Here are just a few examples:
Mutant Aerobics 101
The inventor doesn’t explicitly state that this doll can do a backwards spider-shuffle like the girl from The Exorcist, but I have no doubt in my mind that it’s a pre-programmed secret “bonus” feature of the beast.
1. Re-Configurable Doll (Patent: US20080194172)
The opening sentence describing this doll states that it “comprises a torso, a head attached to the torso, and arms and legs attached to the torso”. This cold, clinical description of what the rest of us call “a human body” should already tip you off to the state of inventor’s mental health.
The inventor allows us to “configure” the doll’s face to our liking, making it transition from spooky:
To monstrous:
To AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why in the thirteen names of fuck would you want to attach a human mouth to a human forehead and instead replace the mouth with a penis, unless you were a violent lunatic?! What next?! Are we going to start making dolls that you can tear apart limb by limb and store in some container, like a goddamn serial killer?!
Hiding the mouth is very important! That way they can’t tell anyone!
Holy…fuck!
Nest Expressed 
Oh my gahhhhddddd. These are so wrong I can’t even believe it! Yes, what in the 13 names of fuck is happening??? No, no, and NO. Awesome post though – thanks for writing the stuff that will keep me awake tonight!
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Try selling some of THESE on eBay.
Then again…nowadays, Etsy.com is where people sell their nightmarish hand-crafted creations. And hey, enjoy the nightmares, they’re on the house!
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I knew when I was writing my post for today that there had to be doll posts out there about all the strange and scary ones. And I was right! Ugh, some of those are creepy. Let’s hope they never made it into production!
Actually, that last one reminds me that there is a Monster High doll maker package where there are all these body parts that the kids can put together. My niece wanted that, but I talked her out of it on account of the nightmares. Nightmares!
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Any doll that can be broken down into multiple components is suspicious right off the bat!
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That post was awesome. I even signed up to ‘livefyre’ so I could tell you that 🙂 Dolls ARE creepy!
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@cakesandshakes Why thanks, glad you like it! The lengths you went through to sign up for Livefyre have not gone unnoticed. I now don’t have to dispatch my loyal doll minions to your house and hold your family hostage until you comment!
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Yeah, that’s some freaky toys. The squash beaked one creeps me a little bit too much, I don’t know why.
Nice post, definitely worthy of a man-card
Rusty
swinginglikearustygate.blogspot.com
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Oh I know why – most incarnations of Lucifer will do that to you. Thanks man!
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The blowing doll is an awesome idea! I wonder how sensitive it is?
I’d position it somewhere where it keeps blowing on the backs of guests’ necks to creep them out… heh heh…
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Hahahaa good plan, because clearly this doll didn’t have the right level of “creepy” to start with!
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@NestExpressed wasn’t to be for your team ! Sorry
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@carolynboardman Wish I could say we lost to a clearly stronger English team, but a fluke goal and a goal we were robbed off won’t let me.
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@NestExpressed Rooney’s was good goal ! Your goal should have been offside anyway lol !
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@carolynboardman Brits…you can’t even win with dignity! Hehehee good luck against Italy!
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@NestExpressed haha ! I don’t care how we win now, too many times the losers 🙂
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Oh my God, the Blowing Doll looks so sad… or stoned. Perhaps it was secretly meant for smoking weed.
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@YoungmanBrown You know, that would probably have been the least offensive of its functions.
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Loved the “Hey, got some spare change?” Jesus and the “contorted stroke victim”…
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@Martin Bannon Hehehee thanks, I was trying to find the right imagery to describe these monsters!
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No patent is necessary for these abominations. Who would copy them?
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Amen, when you’re batshit insane there are few people who’d want to steal your ideas!
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@scopedbylarry I’d rather not find out…the truth may be more terrifying than my assumptions! Thanks for RT!
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@NestExpressed cleaning out my family home attic a few years ago I found a doll in wood box from 1890s that scared bejesus out of me.
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@NestExpressed that thing was so real I screamed like a 5yo girl. Thought sure I had uncovered a heinous family secret instead of a toy!
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@scopedbylarry Hahahahaa well do you know for a fact that it wasn’t a dark secret of sorts? No…no you don’t…happy dreaming!
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@NestExpressed well I am enough of a scientist to figure out it was porcelain not flesh. But those glass eyes and human hair creeped me out.
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@NestExpressed please! Like any good old Southern family we have enough secrets and skeletons in our closets to keep the doors from closing!
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@NestExpressed You might be on to something. I really dislike horror movies, and yet in my moment of madness, I created one. Maybe a dose of horror now and then can help build up an immunity against creepy things. Some of your posts might be good medicine. I’ll revisit the “6 self-defense gadgets” post. From that I’ll find courage. No more nightmare outbursts. I promise. 🙂
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@BakedAlaskaInOr Oh no no, I find your nightmare outbursts quite…nightmarish, so please continue. Saves me a trip to the movies and hours of sleep.
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@Daniel Nest
Well I’m glad to help. I’m having trouble figuring out how to post. I just left a similiar post somewhere, because the last one dissapeared from view. You might get a total of three posts, maybe four, to prove how much I need lessons and therapy. At least I’m showing an interest, right? I’ll appreiciate no blond jokes while I’m learning. :)))
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@BakedAlaskaInOr Jokes? Me?! Who do you take me for…some kind of joke telling joker guy? Hehehee seems you’re getting the hang of it now! Also, yes – therapy is always a healthy option to consider!
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@Daniel Nest
YES! You are the joker. Rather than therapy as my first option, I’m attempting to broaden my horizons a bit by learning more than just twitter. However, the whole cyber world is as confusing to me as those “doll” things. I haven’t decided if I’m wasting time or being productive, but the interrnet is proving to be fun even when I click the wrong keys and end up in God forsaken sites. There is a site that shows how to control dreams. Hummm…..be back later.
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@BakedAlaskaInOr You’re right, the Internet is a scary place. You should stop visiting all other sites – they’re full of lies! Just stay here on my blog…you’re safe here!
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@Daniel Nest
I feel much safer already. There’s nothing on your site to scare the bejesus out of a timid little “blond” thing like myself. Right now I must go to an even scarier place than the internet. It’s called the real world outside. I’ll be back later to read more comforting words on Nest Expressed, just to calm the voices in my head, created by those other bad lying sites. 🙂
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There are some pretty creepy dolls out there! I have always hated those Chinese porcelain dolls myself. My aunt had some of those and whenever I went to stay at her house those dolls would peer into my soul and frighten me with that blank, evil stare!
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@workingdan Indeed. Not sure how many of these patents were actually granted, but judging by the amount of creepy shit created in the world – probably most. Speaking of creepy dolls: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irbFBgI0jhM
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I had a dream that I was living in an apartment building by myself and a haunted doll. Whenever I walked out of the room where the doll is, hours later it would be in a different position from where I left it. (Sorry for grammar errors.)
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That sounds like the perfect plot for a blockbuster horror movie!
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@NestExpressed That freaky force of curiosity just compelled me to look at these dolls. I didn’t want to. Once this crazy stuff gets in my head it’s there forever. Now these new deformed visions of pure creepiness, pretending to be dolls will join that monkey with a machine gun, which was pretty funny until it showed up in a dream. But since it’s there as a permanent violent vision in my mind, swaying it’s machine gun back and forth, shooting everything in sight, I can only hope tonight it will shoot every one of those demonic dolls, along with the demented designers to smithereens, to kingdom come, to hell where they came from, or wherever it is they go and never return. Other than that It’s another great Nest post. Maybe I just drink too much coffee.:)
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@NestExpressed Wow, happy to inadvertently give you so much fuel for your nightmares. Also – you ever consider working on some horror movies? Sounds like you’ve already got a decent plot for one right there.
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@Daniel Nest
Ironically, I really dislike horror movies, and yet in my moment of madness I created one. Maybe a dose of horror now and then can help build up an immunity against creepy things, like dolls. Some of your posts might be good medicine. I’ll revisit the “6 self-defense gadgets” post. From that I’ll find courage. No more nightmare outbursts. I promise. 🙂
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Some of these are downright frighting. Holy smokes. It makes you wonder what goes through the mind of these people when they are inventing these things. Sheesh!
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@softball29 Plenty of lunatics out there…and some of them like designing toys.
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I miss the last ounce of my childhood just a little. I had it before I clicked.
What? No spider-baby from Toy Story?
The upskirt shot on number five was unnecessary. Totally.
Great post.
WG
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@wilyguy Man, sorry to have stolen your childhood, but I was just the messenger – the world had to know about the darkness lurking in the patent world!
Also, the upskirt shot of the triple-breasted gorilla lady is quite possibly the most disturbing thing the world has seen in a while…in fact, just that sentence alone is the most disturbing sequence of words put together!
Glad you liked the post. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
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Who knew that lunatics have doll-design as a hobby?!
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yeah they are creepy.
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“it actively sighs because it has lost its will to live.”–I loved that line. Of course, I loved all of the others too. Those dolls are indeed horrifying. Number five is especially troubling. As for number 3, who makes a doll with a teardrop tattoo? Doesn’t that symbolize a committed murder by a gang member? Nice interactive toy for sure. 🙂
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@crubin Who knew that such terror lurks in the least expected place?! Also, your knowledge of gang tattoos is a bit troubling, but I won’t dare to say more about it – I value my life! Thanks for dropping by again!
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@Daniel Nest
Yes, I hide my gang associations well by disguising myself as a middle-aged, suburban mother.
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@crubin The most effective disguise of all!
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@OzMumSpeak Hehehe happy you liked it and thanks for RT! Just promise me to keep your kids far away from these dolls, OK? 😉
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@NestExpressed lol totally! I now know that shopping for a doll is fraught with danger. Child’s play suddenly seems all too real.
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@OzMumSpeak I’m always happy to educate, even though sometimes via such drastic means!
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“@NestExpressed: All dolls are created evil! 10 Dolls to Haunt your Children’s Dreams http://t.co/5ShNAhNS #funny #Dolls” LOL! Loved it!
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@thepishposh Thanks for RTing the Doll article (http://t.co/SPKvLwNi“)! 🙂
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Whaaaat the heeeeell. http://t.co/2MkkWjYc
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