5. Sceptical (yet easily suggestible) Co-Host
Another key component of an infomercial is the “sceptical co-host”. He’s there to lukewarmly play devil’s advocate, only to embrace the product wholeheartedly after being thoroughly convinced by the overenthusiastic host.
The surprising thing is that he continues to “find faults with” and “doubt” the product well after having seen it in action multiple times. A heavily sedated sloth is more alert than the sceptical co-host.
Overenthusiastic Host (cont.): ……..EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Sceptical Co-Host: Thanks, Bethany! But I’m sure many of our viewers are wondering: “Is this really better than just, you know, walking?!”
Overenthusiastic Host: I’m glad you ask, Chris, because it is just so much better! It’s like you go from walking to flying! Except you’re still walking. Walk ‘n’ Go made me the person I am today! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Sceptical Co-Host: Well, Bethany, I sure am sold. I just have one question. I’ve been using hiking sticks for many years and I just really hate it when they slip out of my hands and stab me in the neck. I have accidentally decapitated myself several times already. How do I know that Walk ‘n’ Go is safer?
Overenthusiastic Host: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Sceptical Co-Host: Good point, Bethany! There you have it folks, Walk ‘n’ Go is much safer than competing products!
4. Testimonials from Experts and/or Customers
To give your product some credibility it’s very important to insert a few heartfelt testimonials from “ordinary” customers. If you can get an expert in the field to sign-off on your contraption – even better. Testimonials give your product an unbiased stamp of approval, or at the very least show your viewers that there are plenty of other people out there crazy enough to buy it. Mostly the second one.
Pro Tip: It’s critical to make sure that your experts and customers don’t appear to be reading a script or sound unenthusiastic.
Master Tip: Ha, just kidding, relax! As long as you spell out the words “Expert” or “Customer” at the bottom of the screen when they’re talking, you’ll be fine. Viewers are like sheep, except with significantly more money.
Customer: I’ve got to be honest with you. I have never been good at this whole “walking” thing. My arms would flail wildly and I’d constantly get tangled up in my own legs. In the end I didn’t even want to leave my house for fear of people laughing at my awkwardness. Well not anymore! Now all I have to do is attach the Walk ‘n’ Go to my limbs in just 38 simple steps and I can walk proudly out of the door with my head held high. Incidentally, holding your head high and secured in one place is one of the many features of Walk ‘n’ Go.
Expert: I’ve been studying Walk Mechanics & Motion Modelling for over 30 years! I’ll tell you this right now: Walk ‘n’ Go will absolutely revolutionise the field of personal displacement technology. It’s a solid piece of equipment. Well, actually, it’s 103 solid pieces of equipment that can be conveniently stored in your attic, provided you have zero other items stored there.
3. Contrived Demonstration
No infomercial is complete without an on-set demonstration. You want to create a very specific and wildly unlikely scenario where your product shines while others fail. Then you need two groups of people. One of them will be using your product and praising it constantly. The other group will be using competing products and acting as if those products are literally draining their will to live while simultaneously holding their families hostage.
A group of perky people walk out onto the set with Walk ‘n’ Go sets strapped on. They are smiling, even though their movements seem unnatural and strained. They proceed to walk in circles, intermittently exclaiming things like “Wow” and “I can already feel it working”!
Meanwhile, another group of people huddle in a dimly lit corner of the set. A few of them make tentative attempts to start walking, only to fall helplessly on their backs or walk into walls. One of them tries to grab a conveniently placed walking cane, but can’t get a firm grip and stumbles onto the floor. The cane flies out and almost hits a cat that seems to have materialised out of nowhere as it hasn’t been on set up until that very moment.
2. Surprise Bonus Item
Now you have your viewers hooked on your product (if you don’t, then you clearly have done something wrong, or maybe your viewers are smart, or something). It’s time to play your infomercial’s trump card: the surprise bonus item!
The surprise bonus item should build on and complement your main product. It’s important to stress to the audience that they can get this bonus item for FREE, if only they call right now! Operators are standing by with a phone in one hand, a watch in another and a TV remote in the third so that they know whether the viewers are indeed calling “right now”.
Pssst! Hey! Are you the idiot buying our Walk ‘n’ Go?! Well then you’re going to love this. For a limited time only we’ll include FREE Finger Buddies with every purchase! Finger Buddies attach to each one of your fingers and label them from 1 all the way through 10. You’ll always know exactly how many fingers you have!*
*Especially useful for when you’re strapping the Walk ‘n’ Go to your body (requires only three adults).
1. Repeating Summary Video
A summary video condenses the message of the infomercial into approximately one minute and is inserted multiple times at strategic moments. By “strategic moments” I mean every goddamn few minutes! By the time your infomercial is over the viewers should be able to perfectly recite the summary video while asleep and/or having prefrontal lobotomy performed on them.
Pro Tip: “Competing Products” section of the video must be shown in black and white and preferably with depressing music playing in the background.
Master Tip: Settle on a reasonable price for your product. Now multiply that by ten. This is now your “retail price”. Now give your viewers a 50% discount off of that price, as long as they order right now. You’re welcome!
That’s all you need to know to make an effective infomercial. Now go out there and sell some products! Also, keep an eye out for my patented Walk ‘n’ Go – I have a really good feeling about this one! WHEEEEEEEE!