So I was browsing Cosmopolitan online recently and…
…wait, wow, OK, I never expected I’d start a post with those words. That’s just wrong. The truth is, I was doing research. Yes, really! Shut up!
I’d read numerous articles about how Cosmopolitan often gives ridiculous and terrible advice, so I decided to see if I’d stumble upon some of it myself.
My curiosity was rewarded almost instantly when I saw an article labelled “Sexy Texts He Will Love“! It was immediately clear from the title that the author had no clue about the topic. There are many things men love about sex, and approximately none of them come in written form.
Oh yes! Write me some more of that stuff! Don’t stop!
Nevertheless, giving the author the benefit of the doubt, I proceeded to study these “sexy texts.” There were 11 in total, and pretty much all of them fell into one of two categories:
a) “I’m naked,” or
b) “Let’s have some ‘fun’ later (*wink* *wink*)”
Ladies, this is the kind of lame stuff that teenage girls may find worthy of a giggle. These sexy texts won’t make your man drop what he’s doing and run home to you while stumbling over his own boner.
Guys, if you ever get these types of sexy texts from your woman, it can mean only two things. One: Your woman has the maturity of a 13-year-old. Two: She’s an android, and her “sexual awareness” software is malfunctioning. In both cases, it’s in everyone’s best interest that you sever all contact with her ASAP.
Luckily, I’m here to help. I have prepared a library of replies you can use when receiving one of the 11 “sexy texts” from your woman. Each reply is almost guaranteed to make her never want to see you again or, in the case of the android, short circuit her. You’re welcome! (To all the women – sorry, but this was necessary evil).
Handpicked replies to “sexy texts”
11. “I know you’re going to the gym, but save a little energy for later… ;)”
“Great, a little energy for you, a little for Jennifer, and a little for Carlos. What’s left for me?!”
10. “That tie you’re wearing? Let’s use it tonight.”
“Sorry, but this whole suit has to be returned after the funeral!”
9. “I’m not wearing any underwear.”
“So I take it dressing yourself isn’t your strong suit?”
8. “I hid something for you in my cleavage. Frisk me later to find it.”
“What is it? Is it boobs? Please tell me you finally hid some boobs there!”
7. “Caught a glimpse of your ass when you left this morning. Amazing.”
“I’m happy to hear your eyesight is improving, maybe you can see all of me one day.”
6. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”
“Actually, I’m not really comfortable discussing my gender surgery just yet…”
5. “I had a stressful day. Want to help me unwind? ;)”
“Sure thing. Cocaine or heroin?”
4. “Got a new toy today. Let’s play.”
“Awesome! Charizard and Pikachu are gonna bring the pain!”
3. “I’m wearing that tight dress you love…with nothing underneath.”
“Damnit, you better not wrinkle that dress, I have to wear it tomorrow!”
2. “I’ve been thinking about you all day. It hasn’t been innocent.”
“You also make me contemplate murder, but at least I keep quiet about it.”
1. “Meet me at my place in an hour. Clothing optional.”
“Mom?! We’ve been through this!”
Nest Expressed 
Number 8 was great. Great response to get rid of a small breasted woman. Though saying “I already found your belly button” would be a great way to get rid a large breasted lady.
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Hehheee touche!
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@janstar72 Thanks for the RT, glad you liked it
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Haha! Those were great! As a married man, I confess that sexting can be a good tool to keep the relationship lively! When done properly of course!
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@workingdan Glad you liked them! We can both agree on that – “done properly” being the key issue with the above!
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HAHA 4 and 9 made me giggle like a schoolgirl.
I could have come up with a better list than that author. Sexy texting can be fun, but not when left in the hands of imbeciles.
Great post, as always.
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@YoungmanBrown Couldn’t have said it better myself! Let’s team up and write articles for Cosmo! And thanks, glad you’ve enjoyed the post
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@NestExpressed dude, you have become one of my favorite tweeters to read during my morning coffee. Thanks for the fun stuff.
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@scopedbylarry Happy you’re enjoying the posts, always great to entertain people! Thanks for all the RTs as well
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I love these tips! And I *LOATHE* Cosmo. My girlfriend read a tip in a Cosmo about a year ago “next time you’re going down on him, stick a pinky in his backside! All men secretly love it, but they’ll never ask for it!”
She did it, and it took about 10 minutes to pry me off the ceiling. I felt like Tom in a Tom & Jerry cartoon! (with a finger up his ass!)
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@My Own Private Idaho Hahahaa now there’s an image I’ll have to work on erasing from my memory. Sorry to hear you’re the victim of this horrible Cosmo-treatment…hope my helpful texts do at least something to alleviate your pain and suffering.
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OMG, UR CrZY. Ugh, I freaking hate text talk….what ever happened to the good ol’ “When you get home tonight we’re going to fuck.”?
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@WhoWouldaThought Aaaah, but why say “fuck” when “I have no underwear, hehe” says the same thing in a much more inane way?
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When I was CO of the USS OHIO, I couldn’t help notice several copies of Cosmo in one of the mail drops we got. I asked the leading yeoman why anyone on a ship of all men would subscribe to Cosmo. He had a good answer. “Intel Skipper, intel.”
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That’s right, never underestimate the value of information! Better safe than stuck with a sexy text, as they say.
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Hahaha, cocaine or heroin. I pooped a little at that one. Great list.
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@therealbirdman Thanks man, glad you’ve enjoyed it!
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So, were you wearing that tight dress while reading..ahem..I mean researching that cosmopolitan article?
You could send a photo of yourself in the tight dress reading the magazine to the woman who sent the text messages and she would ,most likely, not want to get back with you ever.
If she does you are in real trouble.
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@raeme67 Another feasible strategy! They do say a picture is worth a thousand words…unless, of course, it does backfire!
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I have to admit that a lot of these are equivalent to texting a picture of your junk. Likely innapropriate for most situations.
I will further admit that I love getting a good juvenile text telling me my wife is naked. It is preferable when she sends it.
WG
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@wilyguy The only difference is that texting pictures of junk doesn’t require an “advice” article in the Cosmopolitan – it seems to just come naturally to some!
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Dude, that’s fucking funny. Even funnier when you realize that half these women are in the same room with the men they’re texting…
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@Martin_Bannon It’s wonderful how modern technology has brought so much hilarity into our lives!
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Although I am impressed you rise above ridiculous sex-texts, I suspect many men don’t. Need I mention all of the fellows who sext images of their junk? Of course, you didn’t say anything about images, did you? Perhaps you’d have a different take on that…
Sadly, if I ever attempted to send a “sexy” text to my husband, with my luck, my teenage son would find it. Some things are best left undone…
Thanks for some good laughs. 🙂
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@crubin Hey, I like browsing junkyards for spare parts… Never know when one will come in handy! 😉
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@Martin_Bannon
Talk about a loaded metaphor 😉
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@crubin @Martin_Bannon Sounds like you two should be writing for Cosmopolitan – you clearly have a better grasp on things than their authors!
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