It appears I have grossly underestimated the amount of creative potential the penile spam industry has. Seriously, if people channelled this kind of thought and dedication into science and medicine we’d have hoverboards that shoot laser beams and cancer-curing toothpaste by now. But, you know, I guess endless spam is the next best thing.
I’ve done the intro three times now (read those other three posts, they’re pretty awesome), but here’s a recap:
All of the below are one-sentence quotes from penis enlargement spam landing in my mailbox, followed by my ever-so-wise commentary. The spam lines are not altered in any way, they are really this retarded. I’ve even left the typos and spelling errors in there while copy-pasting. Let’s go:
1. Ask and you shall be given – extra inches now possible
Brought to you by the Big Book of Kama Sutra Psalms, Matthews 7:7.
2. Be the Pied Piper of chicks
You too can drown hordes of women in the ocean with the help of our pills!
3. All the girls will want you more after you have this
Thanks for the offer, but I don’t want any Justin Bieber albums.
4. The most reputable and acclaimed Men’s solutions available here
Most reputable and acclaimed Men’s solutions?! Directly in my spam folder? How can I lose?!
5. Butts that look awesome
Words that have nothing to do with anything.
6. Make your nightly romps more wild
Jolly good, sir! My nightly romps shall be most smashing indeed!
7. Your lady will be clamoring to copulate with you every night
While you continue attempting to alliterate awkwardly…
8. Great fun is guaranteed once your pecker becomes a monster
Not a big fan of Pokemon, but to each his own, I guess.
9. Be the master of the bed
“Come here bed. Good. Now sit, siiiiit! Good bed!”
10. Attract the RIGHT girls with wonder pills
Everyone knows the right women are only attracted to guys who get pills from spam emails.
11. Look, it really works, you should try these organ enhancment organic pills
Chapter One of The Perfect Salesman’s Guide. Chapter Two: “Come on you guys, it’s like, really good stuff and everything!”
12. Wow, this is amazing
I think you can teach the “look, it really works” guy a thing or two!
13. I feel like the master of the universe with a might 9inch bazooka.
Yes, I’m sure that downsized versions of conventional military weapons are exactly what will win the Great Intergalactic Wars in 2173.
14. Just two pills for instant satisfaction
Ecstasy pills have already been invented. Great timing there, buddy!
15. She will surely pounce on you
Because all guys like their women feral and murderous!
16. Take pills today, get an increased size tomorrow
Contact us right now to hear about our other deferred delivery plans…
17. Secret lab research released white paper confirming the success in increasing male length within 2 months
Does the lab know that a pretty big part of “secret” research involves not publishing a goddamn white paper about it?!
18. The boy who cried wolf
Oh yeah, I know that story, it’s about that guy who kept mentioning the same thing over and over until nobody listened to him anymore. What does it have to do with these endless emails you keep on sen…ah, I see what you did there.
19. Test subjects have shown amazing growth from 1.5 to 3 inches over 2 months
So now that you have managed to create oversized rats, I guess Planet Of the Apes is only years away?
20. Rare footage of Rosario Dawson and Mike Myers getting hot with each other
Finally, my dream of seeing a Shrek sex tape has come true!
21. When Ally McFeal shows up in court in her micro-miniskirt and NO panties, the jury sizzled
“Micro-mini skirt”? Is that like a “retarded-stupid spam email”?
22. Your bedroom will sizzle after this
Noted, I’ll have the fire department on speed dial!
23. The TV used to be her favorite night program, now she just stares at my new found man meat.
I have no doubt that starting idly at your schlong is a fun hobby for someone whose favourite night program used to literally be “a TV-set”.
24. Obama grows great length through herbal supplements
I told you all he had a hidden agenda with that whole healthcare reform!
25. Why waste any more time
Agreed! “Empty Spam“, *click*