25 ridiculous spam lines: part four

Look, I’m sorry, I never meant for this to happen. When I wrote the original post with these spam lines, I sort of predicted I may write one more, two more maximum.

It appears I have grossly underestimated the amount of creative potential the penile spam industry has. Seriously, if people channelled this kind of thought and dedication into science and medicine we’d have hoverboards that shoot laser beams and cancer-curing toothpaste by now. But, you know, I guess endless spam is the next best thing.

I’ve done the intro three times now (read those other three posts, they’re pretty awesome), but here’s a recap:

All of the below are one-sentence quotes from penis enlargement spam landing in my mailbox, followed by my ever-so-wise commentary. The spam lines are not altered in any way, they are really this retarded. I’ve even left the typos and spelling errors in there while copy-pasting. Let’s go:

1. Ask and you shall be given – extra inches now possible

Brought to you by the Big Book of Kama Sutra Psalms, Matthews 7:7.

2. Be the Pied Piper of chicks

You too can drown hordes of women in the ocean with the help of our pills!

3. All the girls will want you more after you have this

Thanks for the offer, but I don’t want any Justin Bieber albums.

4. The most reputable and acclaimed Men’s solutions available here

Most reputable and acclaimed Men’s solutions?! Directly in my spam folder? How can I lose?!

5. Butts that look awesome

Words that have nothing to do with anything.

6. Make your nightly romps more wild

Jolly good, sir! My nightly romps shall be most smashing indeed!

7. Your lady will be clamoring to copulate with you every night

While you continue attempting to alliterate awkwardly…

8. Great fun is guaranteed once your pecker becomes a monster

Not a big fan of Pokemon, but to each his own, I guess.

9. Be the master of the bed

“Come here bed. Good. Now sit, siiiiit! Good bed!”

10. Attract the RIGHT girls with wonder pills

Everyone knows the right women are only attracted to guys who get pills from spam emails.

11. Look, it really works, you should try these organ enhancment organic pills

Chapter One of The Perfect Salesman’s Guide. Chapter Two: “Come on you guys, it’s like, really good stuff and everything!”

12. Wow, this is amazing

I think you can teach the “look, it really works” guy a thing or two!

13. I feel like the master of the universe with a might 9inch bazooka.

Yes, I’m sure that downsized versions of conventional military weapons are exactly what will win the Great Intergalactic Wars in 2173.

14. Just two pills for instant satisfaction

Ecstasy pills have already been invented. Great timing there, buddy!

15. She will surely pounce on you

Because all guys like their women feral and murderous!

16. Take pills today, get an increased size tomorrow

Contact us right now to hear about our other deferred delivery plans…

17. Secret lab research released white paper confirming the success in increasing male length within 2 months

Does the lab know that a pretty big part of “secret” research involves not publishing a goddamn white paper about it?!

18. The boy who cried wolf

Oh yeah, I know that story, it’s about that guy who kept mentioning the same thing over and over until nobody listened to him anymore. What does it have to do with these endless emails you keep on sen…ah, I see what you did there.

19. Test subjects have shown amazing growth from 1.5 to 3 inches over 2 months

So now that you have managed to create oversized rats, I guess Planet Of the Apes is only years away?

20. Rare footage of Rosario Dawson and Mike Myers getting hot with each other

Finally, my dream of seeing a Shrek sex tape has come true!

21. When Ally McFeal shows up in court in her micro-miniskirt and NO panties, the jury sizzled

“Micro-mini skirt”? Is that like a “retarded-stupid spam email”?

22. Your bedroom will sizzle after this

Noted, I’ll have the fire department on speed dial!

23. The TV used to be her favorite night program, now she just stares at my new found man meat.

I have no doubt that starting idly at your schlong is a fun hobby for someone whose favourite night program used to literally be “a TV-set”.

24. Obama grows great length through herbal supplements

I told you all he had a hidden agenda with that whole healthcare reform!

25. Why waste any more time

Agreed! “Empty Spam“, *click*

16 thoughts on “25 ridiculous spam lines: part four

  1.  @BakedAlaskaInOr  Those are indeed insightful and undoubtedly useful words! We should all live by this mantra of spam fragments if we’re to be happy! 😉
    Thanks as always for stopping by, happy to give you more laughs!


  2. BakedAlaskaInOr says:

    After reading all four posts and laughing uncontrollably, I can’t resist.  I must comment with a word of wisdom to men who fall tor this idea of what men want women to want, an elephant sized penis.  Yes, some girls do.  And those “sexy girls who look at you differently,” those RIGHT girls attracted with wonder pills, those girls who want to stare at your forehead -writting- pecker- monster will charge you a whole lotta money before they clamor, copulate, and pounce.  No matter how reputable an acclaimed your men’s solution is, it’s going to cost you big bucks (no pun intended) to put that “Master of the universe” to good use.  If you’ve got the money I’m sure “all the girls will want you more.”  That’s how the” Pied Piper of chicks” works.  I love your spam Danial.  :))   nestexpressed 


  3. Oh, these are good. I especially loved number 7 and 24. Whoever thinks “copulate” is an erotic word needs some education. Nothing better to get one in the mood than a significant other asking for a little copulation.
    It’s funny, because with all of the anatomical references I make on my blog, you’d think I’d get a bunch of spam like this, too. But I don’t. I do, however, get tons of spam on designer shoes, something I never blog about, and something I most definitely don’t purchase. That’s some pretty sexist spam if you ask me…


    •  @crubin Strange, you don’t find obscure words for sex a turn-on?! Who would have thought! Clearly not whoever has written all that spam…Well, these spam gems actually arrive to my very old Yahoo mail, not connected to my blog. For the blog email I receive stuff like those “advert” offers from Linda Hicks and other blog-related spams. No designer shoes though….apparently the spam industry isn’t content with just being obnoxious, they’re adding “sexist” right to the list!
      Thanks for stopping by 🙂


  4. Martin_Bannon says:

    I need to do something like this with my “dating” spam. First I was targeted by Granny Hookup, now it’s RussianBrides-dot-com (who, for some reason, are all living in Ukraine*—and one from Moldova). I made the mistake once of allowing photos to be displayed in one of the GrannyHookup emails… I’m still recovering.*I’m guessing they will all have strong bladders and poor eyesight…


    •  @Martin_Bannon Oh man, sorry for your pain! And if you ever make a post about that you better make sure to keep me, well, posted. That can only be a comedy goldmine! And yes, strong bladders, poor eyesight and the shiniest dentures you’ve ever seen!


      • Martin_Bannon says:

         @Daniel Nest Daniel, I think the dentures are beside the point… I get the distinct impression they plan to remove them for what they have in mind—just to keep up with the Grannies…


  5. Martin_Bannon says:

    Part four? Really, dude? I’d say you’re really…uh…<i>milking</i> this penis thing now…  Still, it’s seriously funny. Justin Bieber albums, drown hordes of women, bwahahahaha!


    •  @Martin_Bannon I know man, I’m as surprised as you are! But I just can’t turn such great opportunity away…glad you’re enjoying it, despite the overkill. Would you believe it if I said I have around 30 more that didn’t make the cut?


      • Martin_Bannon says:

         @Daniel Nest Yes. Making the cut… that’s always a controversial issue when it comes to penises…


      • Martin_Bannon says:

         @Daniel Nest  I’m touched by your largess… in endowing me so generously with the title. Yes, I am the Pun Master, baiting you with my salacious replies. But, hey, now I’m just getting cocky… so I’ll zip it for now. Back to Pokemon…


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