I am currently stranded without any money in the country of Lisompo, which you may have heard of, but definitely haven’t. Also, I’m afraid I’m dying of old age, which really sucks when you’re only 30.
If you don’t act immediately to transfer a million dollars out of my account into yours, all is lost! Because that’s how banks work!
Please send me your bank information details and I’ll tell you how you can send me money that you’ll never see again.
So…yeah…today’s post is about scammers again. Ever since the wildly successful “My correspondence with a scammer” post, I have been writing back to scammers in the hope that they’d bite. Unfortunately, none of them have displayed the same combination of cluelessness and dedication as Linda Hicks, so I haven’t gotten any real conversations going yet. I promise to keep trying!
Nevertheless, I wanted to share with you a few of my responses to scammers, because I find them quite amusing (if I do say so myself, which I just did). Maybe some of you will find inspiration in these and start your own conversations with scammers? Maybe nothing at all will happen? The possibilities are virtually endless!
This may seem like a bit of a lazy post strategy. That’s because it totally is! I don’t want to use the work excuse again, but we do have another project “sprint” at work that started 10 days ago and will continue for another week. So I decided that instead of falling off the radar completely this time, I’ll share my inbox with you.
As with the Linda Hicks post I censor all website links, but leave the rest of the email content untouched. Enjoy:
Scammer 1 – “Let’s Succeed Together”:
My name is Angie Scott and I would really love to tell you how nest-expressed.com can rank even better in Google.
I’m a SEO expert working at SEO Sheriff and while doing a research for some of my partners I found your email address and decided to contact you at once.
If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional information and all the details needed to make it happen.
My response 1:
How are you? Hope you are as well as a whale under a spell (it’s a saying we have in Iceland)!
Thank you very much for contacting me! I would certainly be interested in receiving details, information, and other paraphernalia from you pertaining to the offer.
By the way, I love the subject of your email – “let’s succeed together”. That’s so well put! I am a fan of succeeding and I absolutely love togetherness too. Combining those two is just like dipping a cookie in chocolate milk! Have you tried that? Delicious!
Anyways, hope to hear from you,
PS: Pardon my ignorance, but what does SEO mean? My guess is Site Enhancement Organisation?
Scammer 2 – “Advertising”:
My name is Ben and I run a website [name] I really like the quality of articles you publish and I think that the target audience on your site would even benefit if you were to link to mine in your posts.
So, I have a proposal. I want to sponsor your regular posts. You simply continue writing articles – as you normally do, they are very good! And in the end of your article – state: “This article was written in association with [name], educational resource about the most famous scientists. Save on Textbooks online.”
You can change the text of the “bio” if you would like to edit something.
If it is possible to upload a small website logo by the bio – that would also be great. It’s like sponsored posts, but you do not have to write anything extraordinary – just your regular updates, which I like very much!
Kindly, write me back if you are interested – how many sponsored posts you would accept from me and what would be the price. If you have expected publication dates – let me know too.
Thank you very much for running such a great website!
My response 2:
Good day, or, as they say where I come from, “Good day”!
First of all, congratulations on running a site that is dedicated to scientists and their famousity – you’re saving lives, I’m sure!
Secondly, I fully agree that my target audience would benefit from learning about scientists that are famous! We all know that juvenile humour and science go together like spare ribs and watermelon!
I’d like to suggest a bio, more along the lines of:
“Love sciency stuff? Love websites that begin with “f”? Then you’ll love [name]! Head on over and get your science on!”
What do you think?
May I ask, if I may, which one of my articles was your favourite? The one with the cat going on hunger strike? The one with a list of things you shouldn’t eat together with marshmallows? Or a third one? I’m just curious, so that I know what quality content to keep delivering!
Until the next point in the space-time continuum,
Scammer 3 – “Hello Dear”:
My name is Miss Aminata Bangali, resident in Ghana, Africa: The main reason I have decided to contact you today is to seek your assistance to help me transfer my INHERITED MONEY DEPOSITED IN A SECURITY AND FINANCE COMPANY in MADRID SPAIN to your country for investment.
I am the next of kin to the DEPOSIT, but because I lack experience and the situation with me here as a refugee, I decided to contact you to stand as my Trustee and Representative to release the money from the company and transfer it to your country..If you are interested, please let me know and I will give you the full details..
Miss Aminata Bangali.
My response 3:
Thank you for contacting me, resident of Europe, Earth!
The wise teachings of the Seven High Lords of Gratitude tell me that all good deeds must be performed when requested. Therefore, I hesitate not at all when assistance of mine you ask.
Please relate the details of this to me in full and I shall carry your burden on my broad shoulders like Hercules, or at least like “The Rock”.
May you be blessed by the All-Seeing Star of the Cossacks in the sky,
8 thoughts on “My “Unresponsive Scammer” Collection”
I’m disappointed. 😦 The sarcasm was so watered down! What happened to scathing condescension? Since we all know no reply would occur, it would have been the perfect opportunity to go all out!
Sorry I haven’t beEvernote out here in awhile…
You haven’t “Evernoted” here? Is this what the kids say these days? Also, incorrect assumption: I have tried to walk a fine line between sarcasm and realism, because I very much expected a reply in each of the three cases 😉 Wanted to repeat the Linda Hicks success story! Hope all’s well on your end!
evernoted? man, I’m just trying to get my “recipes” up to date this morning. You’ve sold out… Trying to walk the fine line. **sigh**… 🙂
Hehehee watered down sarcasm is the price we pay for trying to get people to respond. I know, pain in the ass! Good luck with those recipes 😉
I’m tempted to send you spam just so I can get one of your letters. Now, I just have to come up with something original. Maybe something with chainsaws and pineapples. Hmmm…
Carrie Rubin Sounds great, I love chainsaws almost as much as I love pine-apples…but nothing beats good old fashioned spam though!
More excuses, Daniel? You need to get your priorities straight! 1.Entertain the masses, especially that totally awesome blogger Raeme67 2.Whatever else.Very funny post! But,I do have a question ,if your dying why do you need with all the money? -Is this a way to appease the All-Seeing Cossacks to give you a few more years or what? By the way I am broke, so sorry I can’t contribute at this time.
OK, I’m giving up on Livefyre for now and turned it off. What this means is that the last two comments here have been deleted, so I’m pasting them for the both of us.
I know, I know…what’s up with prioritizing work and stuff?! Makes no sense at all! I am heartbroken that you didn’t find it in you to contribute to my cause…I will remember this when I’m back as a ghost!
Sorry I broke your little heart- you’ll get over it! If not guess I’ll be haunted for all eternity – just make sure you are a funny ghost!