Remember how I wrote a post about crazy search terms people use to find my blog? And then you said it was hilarious? And then we laughed and laughed. That was fun. Good times!
And then you shared it on Twitter and I was like: “whoa, let me take a screenshot of it so that people can see how many Twitter friends I have and then everyone will finally love me and never ever call me a creepy loner again”?! Remember that? No? How about now:
Let’s repeat, shall we?
Below follow more search terms that have landed people on my blog. I have not manipulated any of them and I am not accountable for any disappointment in the human race you may feel after reading them. I did clean up the spelling errors, though, because making fun of spelling is the eezyest form of komedie.
1. I get laid less when wearing glasses
Very thought provoking! How was this research conducted? Did you account for other variable factors such as the pick up line used, the type of establishment and how drunk the stripper was?
2. Wearing glasses helped me get laid?
Unlikely! Refer to above scientific study for further details.
3. 30 bday guest ool
….aaaahm….the answer is….wait, I know this one….49 monkey marmelade?
4. Free spells that give you superpowers
Nothing’s ever free, friend-o. But if you buy the “Invincibility & Mind-Control Combo Pack” I’ll throw in “Reality Awareness” for only 2,99$!
5. A. spell. to. get. superpowers
Cure. For. OCD. Is. Not. A. Superpower. 1,2 3. 1,2 3.
6. Is hairspray a mosquito repellent?
Aaaah, a trick question, nice! I’ll go with “hair spray is for spraying hair”. It was a difficult riddle, but I cheated by using the “reading the name of the product” tactic.
7. Good suggestion vs. the cactus couch
I’d say “don’t sit on it!” is a damn good suggestion in this case.
8. I hate the fucking true twit spammypost
Thank you. Your rant has been forwarded to the relevant Google officer. Expect a sympathetic email within two working days.
9. Question mark
Until Google’s mind-reading algorithm is up and running I’m afraid you’ll have to use more specific search terms.
10. Sexy texts about a tie
Oh those naughty ties, always getting themselves all “tangled up”, if you know what I’m saying…
11. I made my gf faint
And then I got onto Google to tell the whole world about it and OH MY GOD I should have called a freaking ambulance instead like a normal person!
12. Sexy people all around the world let’s have some fun
I’ll be right there! Also, thanks for noticing, I’ve been working out lately.
13. Is it normal to get a white package of M&Ms in the cardboard box?
No, you usually get M&Ms in supermarkets and other stores, get away from that shady cardboard box guy!
14. How many people open my wall
Not as many as open your door, but that really doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be prepared for any contingency. Paranoia above all!
15. Can a man wear women eyeglasses?
Although it is usually physically impossible due to the women having drastically different facial structure and number of eyes, some women’s glasses can be modified to be usable by human males. However, do not wear these for extended periods of time!
16. My pillow ingredients list
Hopefully contains mostly “fabric” and “feathers” and zero “human skin”, you horrible creep.
17. Taking eye glasses off in mid-conversation when talking to someone of opposite sex
Is exceedingly tricky to pull off, but can be done with sufficient practice. Please consult our “Speaking & Controlling Body Parts Simultaneously” guide.
18. Are sexy texts OK?
NO! Where did you hear otherwise?! Was it Timmy?! It was Timmy, wasn’t it?! I’ll have a talk with his parents.
19. If a guy wears sunglasses when he speaks to me
Then summer has arrived at last. Another good indication that it’s summer is when people start saying subtle things like e.g. “Summer is here”.
20. Hero of a cat
Puss in boots? Catwoman? Supercat? Bootwoman? Spider-boots? I…I’m sorry, I have no idea what just happened!
21. Guide to not walking into glass doors
1) Notice door
2) Avoid walking into said door
Oh wait…did you say “glass door”?! Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you.
22. Stay humble you awesome son of a bitch
Will goddamn do, ya fantastic bastard you! You always make me smile!
23. Games that you can dump zombies in acid
Dude, I love killing zombies as much as the next guy, but that’s a strangely specific game request. What have the zombies ever done to you?!
24. World War 2 grenade children colouring
OK, this is either about the world’s worst work performed by children or the most ill-advised colouring book since “Let’s Paint Hitler’s Moustache”.
25. Cartoon pizza slice with no writing on it
Sorry, buddy, the 72nd Directive of 2009 requires all pizza slices to be labeled for quality control. Please report any unlabeled pizza to the “Ministry of Tasty”.
26. Milkshake walking into glass door
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re OUCH SON OF A BITCH THAT HURT!
Part III is here!