26 more dubious search terms

Remember how I wrote a post about crazy search terms people use to find my blog? And then you said it was hilarious? And then we laughed and laughed. That was fun. Good times!

And then you shared it on Twitter and I was like: “whoa, let me take a screenshot of it so that people can see how many Twitter friends I have and then everyone will finally love me and never ever call me a creepy loner again”?! Remember that? No? How about now:

Who’s creepy now?! WHO?!

Let’s repeat, shall we?

Below follow more search terms that have landed people on my blog. I have not manipulated any of them and I am not accountable for any disappointment in the human race you may feel after reading them. I did clean up the spelling errors, though, because making fun of spelling is the eezyest form of komedie.

1. I get laid less when wearing glasses

Very thought provoking! How was this research conducted? Did you account for other variable factors such as the pick up line used, the type of establishment and how drunk the stripper was?

2. Wearing glasses helped me get laid?

Unlikely! Refer to above scientific study for further details.

3. 30 bday guest ool

….aaaahm….the answer is….wait, I know this one….49 monkey marmelade?

4. Free spells that give you superpowers

Nothing’s ever free, friend-o. But if you buy the “Invincibility & Mind-Control Combo Pack” I’ll throw in “Reality Awareness” for only 2,99$!

5. A. spell. to. get. superpowers

Cure. For. OCD. Is. Not. A. Superpower. 1,2 3. 1,2 3.

6. Is hairspray a mosquito repellent?

Aaaah, a trick question, nice! I’ll go with “hair spray is for spraying hair”. It was a difficult riddle, but I cheated by using the “reading the name of the product” tactic.

7. Good suggestion vs. the cactus couch

I’d say “don’t sit on it!” is a damn good suggestion in this case.

8. I hate the fucking true twit spammypost

Thank you. Your rant has been forwarded to the relevant Google officer. Expect a sympathetic email within two working days.

9. Question mark

Until Google’s mind-reading algorithm is up and running I’m afraid you’ll have to use more specific search terms.

10. Sexy texts about a tie

Oh those naughty ties, always getting themselves all “tangled up”, if you know what I’m saying…

11. I made my gf faint

And then I got onto Google to tell the whole world about it and OH MY GOD I should have called a freaking ambulance instead like a normal person!

12. Sexy people all around the world let’s have some fun

I’ll be right there! Also, thanks for noticing, I’ve been working out lately.

13. Is it normal to get a white package of M&Ms in the cardboard box?

No, you usually get M&Ms in supermarkets and other stores, get away from that shady cardboard box guy!

14. How many people open my wall

Not as many as open your door, but that really doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be prepared for any contingency. Paranoia above all!

15. Can a man wear women eyeglasses?

Although it is usually physically impossible due to the women having drastically different facial structure and number of eyes, some women’s glasses can be modified to be usable by human males. However, do not wear these for extended periods of time!

16. My pillow ingredients list

Hopefully contains mostly “fabric” and “feathers” and zero “human skin”, you horrible creep.

17. Taking eye glasses off in mid-conversation when talking to someone of opposite sex

Is exceedingly tricky to pull off, but can be done with sufficient practice. Please consult our “Speaking & Controlling Body Parts Simultaneously” guide.

18. Are sexy texts OK?

NO! Where did you hear otherwise?! Was it Timmy?! It was Timmy, wasn’t it?! I’ll have a talk with his parents.

19. If a guy wears sunglasses when he speaks to me

Then summer has arrived at last. Another good indication that it’s summer is when people start saying subtle things like e.g. “Summer is here”.

20. Hero of a cat

Puss in boots? Catwoman? Supercat? Bootwoman? Spider-boots? I…I’m sorry, I have no idea what just happened!

21. Guide to not walking into glass doors

1) Notice door

2) Avoid walking into said door

Oh wait…did you say “glass door”?! Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you.

22. Stay humble you awesome son of a bitch

Will goddamn do, ya fantastic bastard you! You always make me smile!

23. Games that you can dump zombies in acid

Dude, I love killing zombies as much as the next guy, but that’s a strangely specific game request. What have the zombies ever done to you?!

24. World War 2 grenade children colouring

OK, this is either about the world’s worst work performed by children or the most ill-advised colouring book since “Let’s Paint Hitler’s Moustache”.

25. Cartoon pizza slice with no writing on it

Sorry, buddy, the 72nd Directive of 2009 requires all pizza slices to be labeled for quality control. Please report any unlabeled pizza to the “Ministry of Tasty”.

26. Milkshake walking into glass door

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re OUCH SON OF A BITCH THAT HURT!

______________________________

Part III is here!

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37 thoughts on “26 more dubious search terms

  1. Yours are far more diverse than mine. Mine mostly have to do with “cock torture.” However, I found a few good ones today: “awful bushy mustaches,” “couch bum,” and “sh** on a plate.”

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    • Hehehee indeed. Search terms bring us so much happiness…and Twitter material. Thanks for stopping by!

      Also, thanks a lot for making me aware that there’s a “Bieber movie”, my life suddenly has meaning! Speaking of Bieber movies, did you know he’s also starring in foreign films?

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      • Holy crap… that really does look like him. Coincidence? Unlikely.

        I think he’s given up the doofus hair now, so that’s something positive anyway.

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  2. Wow, and I thought I had some strange search terms for my blog, but this takes the cake, lol. Funny post Daniel, enjoyed it.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

    Like

  3. I’m sure that the search engines collect it all from the comments, so,assfun is going to now be associated with your blog as well. Like a good hearty chili, the beans of mystical power can grant you entrance to a Mecca of assfun, asstastic, and asinine good times, minus JJ Walker. Yeah google, suck it.

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  4. I just checked my blog stats; 523 people who landed in Kellie’s World were searching for Johnny Depp (imagine their disappointment). The next most popular keyword (colonoscopy) generated 38 hits. I wonder how many hits I’d get if I wrote a post about Johnny Depp getting a colonoscopy.

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    • I haven’t done any strategic keyword targeting, but my guess is Google has me listed as the “sexy zombie glasses wearing tips & tricks”. That…that may just be a pretty lucrative niche to get into, no?

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  5. Oh yeah! now I remember. This was a great post for my first “psych” session Dr. Nest. I srarted laughing before i even got here. Anticipation I suppose. I wasn’t disappointed. Because I’ve worn glasses since I was three years old, I feel a need to explain about those searches. Ha! They weren’t mine. Really. No, really. Oh, never mind. Thanks for the laughs, as always. @NestExpressed

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  6. The day I stop laughing at your posts is the day I’ve lost my cerebral cortex and my vocal cords. But luckily, I still have both as of today. Your numbers 9, 14, and 22 really had me going. Now, you know I’m going to go right on over and retweet this. And next time, you don’t even have to block out my name on your twitter image. Unless I say something stupid. Then by all means, block it out.

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  7. Idiocy is always hysterical—keep it up, Daniel. (Repeating it, that is…) You might have seen my post last week about a mysterious search term that led someone to my website: assfun. Not sure what the person was looking for, but I’m sure landing on my novel didn’t satisfy them. It’s funny, yes, but it can’t hold a candle to “assfun”!

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    • Hehehee, assfun! I was just trying to search for it on both your blogs that I know of, but can’t seem to find it. A link please?

      Your novel seems to be gathering those good reviews, really well done! Best of luck with it. It’s still on my bedside table and I’m gonna pick it up soon as I’m done with Ella’s book.

      Like

      • If by “pick it up” you mean you’re going to bench-press it, I’d be happy to send you another one for the other hand. However, if you plan to use it as a sleep-aid, I suggest hitting yourself over the head with a heavier book like, say, a dictionary, as mine’s only 300-pages long.

        The mystery of “assfun” was solved when I discovered the FUNny search result was ASSociated with one of my posts about “Senseless Confidential” entitled “A Kick-ASS FUN Book to Read.” It appeared as the seventh result in a personalized Google search for the keyword, so I ASSume it was some ASS who had already visited my FUN site previously.

        I’m thinking of changing my carefully SEO’ed new domain, funbookstoread.com, to assfunbookstoread.com to ASSure all the bases (and ASSes) are covered. Alas, I lack the FUNds for an additional domain.

        (SEO THAT, Google!)

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      • Whoa, a dictionary?! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, I may have to work my way up to that – I’m no Arnold!

        Also, thanks for officially turning my blog into a porn site, I can only benefit for increased traffic.

        Still waiting for a link to your post about “assfun”, by the way…

        Like

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