No Internet = No Virus!

“No Internet = No Virus” is the apparent slogan of an anti-virus software that earlier today completely fucked up my Internet access. I don’t want to mention any names, but let’s just say it starts with “McAfee” and ends with “Antivirus”.

For many years I have happily used the free anti-virus software from Avira. It ran fast, worked great, and didn’t cost anything, because that’s how “free” works.

Then I bought a new laptop.

Like most laptops these days it came pre-installed with a bunch of programs that I couldn’t care less about. One of these was the anti-virus software whose name rhymes with “McAfee Shmantivirus”. On an almost daily basis this piece of s…oftware reminded me that my one-month free trial would soon run out. Today was the last day of the trial, of which I was reminded yet again by a pop-up with panicky flashing messaging.

Well, it’s either The Apocalypse or I need to buy some software!

I had no intention of extending the trial period and merely wanted to uninstall McAfee Ant…the anti-virus software that shall remain unnamed. So I naturally went to the “Uninstall Programs” menu, where I clicked on the anti-virus in an attempt to remove it. Ha, stupid Daniel, trying to do the logical thing. McAfee laughs at your lack of insanity!Ā I was repeatedly prevented from making changes to McAfee products and asked to contact the computer’s administrator. After contacting myself and giving myself the “go ahead”, I still couldn’t perform the necessary uninstall.

Then I decided to just try to install Avira first, so that I’d be covered against viruses when uninstalling McAfee. Avira helpfully pointed out that I had McAfee products on my laptop and asked me whether I’d like its help to remove them. I did. So, Avira tried uninstalling them for me.

Bad idea!

McAfee’s feelings were hurt and, like an upset five-year-old kid going home and taking all the toys with him, McAfee blocked my Internet access. That’s how I ended up in the following catch 22:

1) McAfee was still officially “installed” on my laptop.

2) Avira couldn’t proceed with its own installation until McAfee was removed.

3) When trying to uninstall/delete McAfee files I would get repeated errors, telling me uninstall was impossible.

So now I had two non-functioning anti-virus programs and no way to access the Internet.

Sorry, you’ve experienced a fuck you error. Would you like to go to hell?

Thankfully, I had another computer handy. After a bit of research I learned that McAfee is unanimously hated by anyone trying to uninstall it. Mine was a common problem, which could be solved by downloading and installing a dedicated software called McAfee Consumer Products Removal tool, or MCPR.

Now, to summarize:

1) McAfee is so poorly made that attempting to uninstall it causes known system-wide issues, including loss of Internet access on the PC in question.

2) McAfee released a separate piece of software, the sole purpose of which is to delete their other malfunctioning software.

3) You can download this software for free, provided you have Internet access, which is made slightly more difficult by point 1).

4) Producers of McAfee Antivirus are fucking insane

McAfee Marketing Director presents a new business plan

Luckily, since I had access to a separate PC I was able to download MCPR, copy it to my new laptop and perform a full uninstall. This brought my computer and Internet back to life. I am now able to vent my frustrations on the blog. All is good again.

To anyone considering a McAfee product, may I instead suggest stabbing yourselves repeatedly in the eye with toothpicks instead? At least that way you’ll still have your Internet access!


Have any of you experienced PC issues lately? What anti-virus software are you using? Do you enjoy stabbing things with toothpicks?

12 thoughts on “No Internet = No Virus!

  1. Figures.
    I bought a new laptop a few months ago and inadvertently (meaning I did something wrong) ended up with some crazy virus that took over everything. That had never happened to me before. My Norton anti virus software couldn’t handle it. I ended up having to completely wipe the hard drive.
    Now I’m afraid to do anything on that computer.
    I think it happened when I clicked on a Mozilla download link that wasn’t really Mozilla.
    Interesting commentary, I know.
    It’s my gift of mundane.
    I’d delete the whole comment except now I’ve invested this time typing it out. And if I delete it, I’ll have to come up with something else to say to let you know I’ve been here and cared enough to comment.
    Since I don’t have a whole lot going on in the brain cells department, the comment stands.
    Can I get a McAFee award?


    • Ha, you will never be worthy of McAfee award, since there is actual logic involved in everything you say.

      That’s shitty to hear. Last time I’ve had a computer-shattering virus was many, many years ago when Internet wasn’t even around. Since then I’ve been happy with Avira’s free antivirus.

      Your comments, mundane, quirky and otherwise, are always appreciated!


    • That’s right, once your PC is completely disabled nobody can hurt it anymore. Thanks McAfee!

      Yeah I heard bad things about Norton too. I don’t see why anyone would even want to invest money in antivirus programs nowadays – plenty of great free ones around, that don’t hold your computer hostage!


  2. Jimmy says:

    My wifes computer came installed with McAfee also, I removed it through C Cleaner and installed AVG Free, my son uses Avira on his computer and I was thinking of giving it a look, now after your post I am going back into her computer to make sure McAfee is actually gone, I have heard no complaints from her and I know loss of internet would result in a loud yell šŸ™‚


    • Internet is life nowadays, nobody can go for longer than 24 hours without it šŸ˜‰ I can warmly recommend Avira and can definitely encourage people to stay away from McAfee! Thanks for dropping by!


  3. Ah, yes. Never, ever go with McAfee. For one thing there is absolutely no way to connect with a breather. Plus, they are just horribly inept. They claim you can install up to three PCs with one copy of their shitware, but don’t believe it. And don’t believe that you can “schedule a call back” either because it will not happen. It just amazes me – how much they suck. I could tell there was some anger behind this, but that’s what makes a good post. I enjoyed it! Because 1) I hate McAfee and 2) I thought it was funny.


    • Ah, a fellow McAfee hater, happy to have you here! I must say I didn’t have a strong opinion about them until today, but all of that changed in a matter of minutes!

      Happy to have appealed to both your sense of humour and hatred šŸ˜‰ Thanks for stopping by, happy Sunday!


  4. raeme67 says:

    Glad to see you are up and running again.
    Sorry, about your troubles, but it made a funny blog post!
    Have a happy Mcafree- Free Sunday!


  5. I had this same problem when I got my new laptop–McAfee pop-ups repeatedly. I, too, use Avira, but I didn’t have trouble installing Avira despite McAfee’s unwelcome presence. I just ignored McAfee pop-ups for a long time, and after my last Avira update, I haven’t seen anymore of those McPop-ups. Not sure what happened, but I won’t investigate less I jinx myself. Good luck! At least your hair is short enough that if you lose a few strands over this, no one will notice.


    • True true! I really hate the new “bloatware” trend, where your phones and laptops are shipped with so much unwanted software. But never have I seen anything like the total meltdown McAfee just brought about.


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