Those of you with a Facebook account surely have at least one friend who constantly bombards you with idiotic app and game invitations. Today they give you a gift horse from Farmville, tomorrow they want to add you to their iCannotRememberBirthdays calendar app, next week they’re challenging you to a Pirates vs. Ninjas duel. By now you have probably done one of the following:
- Removed your friend from your Facebook account (and your life)
- Blocked every application on Facebook
- Joined the fun and are currently a level 47 Ninja Assassin
- Sent a Ninja Assassin to your friend’s house
But I’m not here to talk about your obnoxious ex-friend. Good riddance! I’m here to talk about the pervasiveness of these “X vs. Y” games on Facebook – Pirates vs. Ninjas, Vampires vs. Werewolves and countless more. I’m not complaining about them. It’s quite natural to have a competitive “face off” game format to keep people interested. However, what surprises me is that despite this sea of “versus” games nobody has taken them to the next level. Why stop at boring old pirates and predictable ninjas? Is “predictable ninja” an oxymoron? But I digress… What we need is the next generation of competitive games. Being the altruist that I am I hereby provide four ideas to get the ball rolling, entirely free of charge. Game makers of the world – take notice!
4. Teletubbies vs. Batman
Sure, at first glance this may look like an extremely easy victory for Batman, but let’s be completely clear – it totally is! This is less a game and more an evolved version of a stress ball. It’s the ultimate anger management tool. The premise is a bit complicated, so bear with me: You are Batman. Your job is to chase down Teletubbies and beat the living crap out of them. The end. You have access to all of Batman’s gadgets and you get extra points for creativity. Punch a Teletubby? 1 point. Hit a Teletubby with a Batarang so that he stumbles backwards, trips over a carefully placed BatBoobyTrap and explodes? 50 points. Tie a Teletubby to the Batclaw, attach it to the Batwing, launch the Teletubby to space and then shoot him with a rocket launcher? Jesus, you’re a fucking maniac! Also, 500 points. The game should have a broad appeal, as it’s geared towards both people who hate Teletubbies and people who want to be Batman. Each of the groups makes up roughly 100% of the world’s population, according to my latest estimates. This makes the game fun for 200% of people, which, we can all agree, is a decent amount. What?! No! Of course you can’t play as Teletubbies! What the hell is wrong with you?! Attempting to do so automatically deletes your Facebook account and makes your parents disown you.
3. Tetris vs. Charlie Sheen
OK, I’m cheating a bit here. It’s really just Tetris, except you play as Charlie Sheen who, in turn, is playing Tetris. You can pick from a number of Charlie Sheen characters, from Tiger Blood all the way to Bitchin’ Rock Star from Mars. The game provides rich narration of events, including classics like “Winning!” and “These Z-blocks are just droopy-eyed armless children”. The voice-over is done by Charlie Sheen himself, so you know the game will be a huge hit. I’m currently in the middle of negotiating the deal with Charlie Sheen. The first time I contacted him with a proposal he told me he’d squash my head between his thumb and index finger to squeeze the ancient Mayan spirit out of my alien body. Last time he just told me to fuck off, so I think he’s warming up to the idea.
2. Godzilla vs. God
You’re probably thinking I only came up with this entry because “Godzilla” contains the word “God”. Correct! This game can be set up in a classic fighting game format, a la Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter (but not Tekken, because that would be weird). God and Godzilla have different abilities and “special moves”. Godzilla can smash buildings and roar really loudly. God can bring about Armageddon and end all life as we know it. Should be a pretty balanced fight, I’d say. Not only is it a very fun game to play, but it opens up for an intellectual “creationism” versus “evolution” debate. God: “Wait a second, I never created this monstrosity!” Godzilla: “Evolution, bitch!” Would probably have to clean up the dialogue a bit if this game is released for kids.
1. NATO vs. Atomic Bomberman
In 1997 a wonderful game called Atomic Bomberman was released. Up to 10 players were pitted against each other. They ran around a maze placing bombs at strategic spots to blow up the opposition. The world itself was a much simpler place back then. Any country could have as many nuclear bombs as it wanted and used them to blow up other countries in a giant maze. I think. I’m not a history major. All of that has changed now. Nowadays anyone attempting to make themselves a teeny tiny nuclear bomb is suddenly the bad guy. I know, crazy, right?! This game can serve as an insightful commentary on the current social and political climate. You play as either NATO or Atomic Bomberman. The bomberman still runs around placing bombs in mazes, trying to blow things up. NATO, on the other hand, has a wide arsenal of weapons like “sanctions” and “harsh words” to try and stop the bomberman. Multiple bombermen and NATO members can play simultaneously, making this entry the perfect family game! Nothing like a good old fashioned nuclear apocalypse to get that family time going, don’t you think? __________________ Do you have some great ideas for games? Do you play games on Facebook? Are you the annoying Facebook friend? Have you been blocked recently? How does it make you feel?
18 thoughts on ““Garfield vs. Dexter”? 4 game ideas”
Those are some really interesting game choices. I might actually respond to an invitation to one of those. As it is, I keep getting those damned farmville requests. Why the HELL would I want to spend my leisure time tending to 15 various farms when farming is my job? That being said, I keep getting requests from my wife to play, finally finish the deck. Or the newest one, renovate the bathroom over the winter.
Well, if it makes you feel better then I’m pretty sure Batman would be very angry to receive “Batman vs. Teletbbies” invites, when he’s trying to wind down after a tough day of kicking some criminals’ asses!
I will make sure to update you if any of these games make it to the production line – all I need are some gaming industry executives that agree with me. Shouldn’t be an issue!
Genius! Imagine how much more time I could waste at work with these wonderfully original masterpieces. I like the Tetris and Charlie Sheen idea. It’ll be like you’re playing Tetris… but you’re actually snorting cocaine.
Now we’re talking! You and I should open a gaming business!
This is awesome! I am not one to play the Farmville games but I would participate in these.
In that case, I’ll make sure to put you up on the mailing list for when the games are finally released 😉
Finally got to read this post! Well smacking teletubies is not such a nice thing to do, after all they are babies heroes! Haha imagine a kid passing by and seeing you smash a teletubies while impersonating batman: 1) they will burst in endless tears (good luck calming them) 2) they will come to despise batman 3) they will come to despise you (what?!?)
So the question is: are you willing to put yourself in danger like that?
As for Facebook games, I used to play some out of curiosity. But after a week or so I would delete everything. If I got invitations from friends I would block them (the games not my friends). Now? Well I completely deleted my profile; Facebook has come to irritate me, so now I am just sticking to twitter and vkontakte (the Russian fb).
Am I willing to take the risk of kids hating me, provided I get to be BATMAN and punch some Teletubbies?! Hell yes! 😉
Yeah, many friends in Ukraine are using Vkontakte too – but I have my hands full with FB and Twitter!
Thanks for dropping by
I’ve been wanting to smack some Teletubbies around for a long time. #4 has my vote! The added bonus is that I get to do while playing one of my all-time favorite superheroes. SOLD!
See, I just KNEW you’d understand. You had me at “smack some Teletubbies”!
The Monkeys from The Wizard of Oz vs. The Monkees?
I like the way you think, sir. We can work with it!
I will now have to watch out for the new game requests you mentioned, I can see it now coming from my wife’s account page, “Hey Jimmy join Charlie Sheen and I in a game of Tetris, I think we can win because Charlie has some ancient Mayan spirits stuck between his finger and thumb, needless to say he is distracted”
Hahahaa sounds like a viable strategy! I’m definitely expecting these games to become a huge hit soon – so watch out for them, coming soon, to a Facebook wall, near you…
Wow, and to think I was finally going to sign up for Facebook this afternoon. This is what awaits me? Wonderful. I do feel a bit cheated though. I came over here expecting to read something about Dexter, my favorite serial killer. What gives? 😉
On the other hand, I have no doubt my boys would think the Teletubbies vs. Batman game was great. I think you’re onto something with that one…
Hehhee sorry. We all love Dexter, and he’s back now! Just figured that Garfield vs Dexter would make for an exciting toddler game, no?
You should really join Facebook! Who knows when one of my awesome games becomes available? Do you really want to take the risk of missing out on them?!
No I surely don’t. I was suppose to join today, but things came up. As they always do. And now tomorrow I have another conference (why must they all fall in the fall?) Saturday for sure. Facebook and me–a hot date.
Someone’s popular – conference upon conference!
Enjoy your date with Facebook, let’s hope there aren’t any awkward silences 😉