The Sandy Conspirathon

You may have heard of this little hurricane called Sandy. If you haven’t, that’s probably because you’re currently in New York and your power’s been cut. In which case, how’re you reading this? Your voodoo magic doesn’t frighten me, witch doctor!

Sandy’s claimed dozens of lives and is so far estimated to have caused 20 billion dollars worth of damage in US. Small change.

But while the rest of us are worried about trivial things like mass devastation and loss of human lives, there are fearless few who dare to ask the truly important question: “are gay people and Obama to blame here?!”

This article lists four conspiracy theories voiced by separate sources, each nutjobier than the other:

  • Sandy is God’s punishment for legalising abortion and gay marriage. Because an unspeakable atrocity like two people in love getting married deserves nothing less than a devastatig hurricane.
  • Sandy was engineered by Obama, because then he could something something something, and then BAM, get re-elected. Honestly, if I find out Obama learned how to manipulate freaking weather and wasted that power on creating Sandy, I’ll be sorely disappointed. Barack, if that’s your best use of a climate control device, then you’re the shittiest supervillain in history!
  • Sandy was inevitable and aliens have predicted it. Mulder, you were right all along!
  • Sandy is God’s punishment for dividing Israel. You see, God hasn’t settled on which of the “gay marriage” or “Israel” excuses works best, so he’s keeping his options open.

Whenever I hear or read shit like this, I always wonder what these people’s deal is. I can offer only two possible explanations:

  1. They wholeheartedly believe every bit of this nonsense. That would make them certifiably insane. The fact that they aren’t diagnosed as dangerous lunatics supports my “protecting the world’s crazies” conspiracy theory. Book out in stores in 2014. Ha, kidding, we all know we’re gonna die in, like, two months. The Mayans said so.
  2. They are perfectly aware that at least some of what they’re saying is utter bullshit. That would make them guilty of manipulation in order to promote their agenda, even if that agenda is “Hey guys – aliens and stuff!”.

Regardless, whatever their motivation for propagating insanity, they’re all missing the real culprit here…

Gangnam Style.


If you skip to the 30 second mark of the video, you see the man perform what looks like a “dance” move, consisting of repeated ground stomping. Immediately afterwards he walks through a tunnel where unusually strong wind blows garbage in his face. Here’s a helpful diagram:

Wind is invisible, so it requires more arrows

Coincidence? Most definitely not! This man is clearly a wind whisperer and his “dance” is an ancient ritual for summoning storms. Look, I’m just laying out the facts, you be the judge!

If one man can single-handedly (or double-leggedly, as is the case here) create such a powerful storm, imagine what happens when you multiply that by 615 million? That’s right – a hurricane! Well, what do you know? The video has over 615 million views on Youtube as of today. Coincidence? …Exactly!

I have once made a futile attempt to warn you all about the spread of this man’s influence. You didn’t heed my warning and now it’s far too late! Too many people have copied the wind ritual cleverly disguised as Gangnam dance. There’s no stopping him now.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, if you’re looking for someone to blame for this disaster – blame Britney Spears and Ellen Degeneres:


What do you think? Would you call my theory “insightful and accurate” or “undeniable and bullet-proof”? Is Gangnam going to doom us all? Do you have your own theory about this?

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23 thoughts on “The Sandy Conspirathon

  1. Now that you’ve been able to expose the truth behind this latest craze, I’m temped to research back and try to figure out what terrible meteorological phenomenon was caused by the world doing the macarena.

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  2. You’re obviously a heathen (like myself) so you missed an important connection – Gangnam Style was just the tool that God employed to enact his punishment. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

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  3. Ummm… yeah…. everyone knows that you have to be at least a 7th level sorcerer to cast Control Weather, so clearly Obama could not have done it. I think your theory is dead on accurate Daniel. 🙂

    I work at Samsung for my day job (Korean based company), and they actually held a world-wide competition among their employees to make their own “Gangnam Style” videos. Several groups at the site I work at made videos. If you do a search on Youtube for SAS (Samsung Austin Seimiconductor),Gangnam Style you will see few.

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  4. Jimmy says:

    Hell I’m scared to open the video just in case they trace my IP and send the gale force winds in my direction, you know they can do things like this. Go back and look at the news reports of when Obama campaigned in Florida, just as the cameras panned away as he boarded Air Force 1 he broke into the Gangnam style dance, and when the wind began to get stronger he flew out of there just in time, so yes it could be his fault, but a bit closer to the truth I say it’s Britney, she wanted a tropical storm named after her but they named it Sandy instead, so this is her payback.

    and as for the nuts out there you can’t pay them any attention, just listen to me instead 🙂

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  5. I know I’m supposed to be blaming someone for something here, but I got lost when I was dancing. That damned song gets in your head and you can’t get it out. Just me?

    Anyway… you’re right on the crazies. WTF? I heard someone in my office today say that it was God’s way of cleaning up the cesspool of the US. I nearly spit my drink. I wonder who God was punishing during the last ice age. There wasn’t a president back then to control the weather.

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    • Oh no, definitely not just you! That’s how Gangnam style ruined New York – by getting everyone to join in! 😉

      Yeah, guess there’ll always be people wanting to find conspiracy in everything! One must have hobbies, right?

      But for now…enjoy your new Gangnam mojo!

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  6. raeme67 says:

    Brittney Spears is most likely the culprit. Not sure if I believe this is due to your enlightening post or if I just want to blame her for something.

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  7. Okay. I just lost what little dignity I had. I watched that Ellen video, stood up, and practiced those steps. Look what you’ve done to me with all this Gangnam style stuff.

    As for these conspiracy theorists? Drives me batty. I mean, really, who could possibly think any of those things are related? I suppose the same people who are watching Honey Boo Boo.

    Like

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