25 more search fails

I’ve done this twice before (Part 1 is here, Part 2 is here), so I’ll spare you a long-winded intro. Here’s a short-winded one:

People search for things on the Internet. Some people are strange. So are their search terms. Here are the search terms used to find my blog. I present them in unmanipulated form (except corrected spelling), with my ever-so-insightful commentary:

1. Why do smart people wear thick glasses?

Smart people are unpredictable and dangerous, it’s in their nature. If your friend starts acting strange and wearing thick glasses, make sure to alert the authorities. He’s a ticking time bomb.

2. The weirdest way to use a cardboard box

Make it look like a small robot, draw the face of your favourite actor on it, put it on a leash and drag it with you everywhere while making the following sound effects “Bop, beep, be-bop, kssssh, mbop bop”. If someone asks you what that’s all about you throw the box at them, start running in another direction while screaming “Sorry AJ8 Model T1, you’re on your own now!”

Or you could use a cardboard box to store faeces and shampoo bottles…that would also be weird. You’re welcome.

3. Door that says not a door

Is a liar and isn’t worthy of your time.

4. Laptop head

Banana train!

5. What does it mean to see a giraffe in a coffee cup?

It probably means the poor fella is trapped. Giraffes are hopelessly attracted to the smell of coffee. When they’re out pollinating tulips they will often get disoriented and fly directly into unattended coffee cups. If you can, try to fish him out with a piece of paper folded in half (size A4 or larger will do) and carry him out to the grass so that he can dig his way back to his cave. Don’t be a monster!

6. Do you spray hairspray on insect collections?

You do many things when you’re in an asylum: spray hairspray on insect collections, use chopsticks to actually chop things, punch tiny invisible crocodiles. Possibilities are endless. Read more in our brochure!

7. Women like what type of spectacles on men?

Women have a flair for spectacles. They’re walking drama factories, so any spectacle will do. Just don’t scare the neighbours, they definitely don’t like spectacles.

8. Sexy texts before any

No, no, NO! Only sexy texts after many!

9. How do you reply to a sexy text photo?

That depends. Have you known this text photo for a while? Then you’re allowed to be frank with it and use first names when replying. Otherwise, to be on the safe side use “Mr.” and “Mrs.” when replying to a text photo. Text photos are easily offended.

10. She sent a sexy text to me

Yeah she’s like that, I know.

11. How to avoid Bieber hair?

They thought they could fight it. They thought they could avoid it. They were wrong. This winter they will face a foe unlike any they’ve seen before. Can they make it? Will any of them survive? No, they won’t! “Revenge of Bieber Hair”. Coming soon.

12. Cyber dreams that haunt and kill

Matrix 4: Sleepy Time

13. Butt too big

Food too much

14. What should know a secret agent?

Not to use the Internet for intelligence gathering, for starters.

15. What is hairspray used for?

Nobody truly knows. Ancient Egyptians studied hairspray in a lot of detail. Unfortunately,  their knowledge was lost to us when the “Hairpsray Scrolls” were stolen.

16. Sexts to send to guys about planes

Oh yeah, tell me more about the Boeing 747. I love jumbo jets!

17. How to protect yourself from hair spray?

The only reliable way is an underwater substation.

18. Tight butts funny

True. Tight butts make excellent stand-up comics!

19. Sitting in chair damage to penis

You’re doing some seriously aggressive sitting, sir.

20. A good job for a man with glasses

An actor, portraying a man with glasses. And…aaahm…I don’t know, I’m drawing a blank.

21. How to dress like Captain Von Trapp?

I’d recommend wearing the same clothes as him, but I guess that would be too easy, wouldn’t it?

22. Tips again apocalypse nest

I don’t even…I mean…what?!

23. Words to use for penis when writing a sexy text to him

Little Italy. Captain Sulu. The Steadfast Tin Soldier. Our Precious. These should get you started…let me know how it goes.

24. Men wet tight paints

Men’s shirt, short skirts, oh, oooh, oh. Man, I feel like a woman.

25. Empty inside question mark

The saddest question mark of all.

Part IV – Christmas edition, is here

____________________

What kind of search terms do people use to get to your blog? Have you ever tried writing a sexy text to a giraffe trapped in a coffee cup? Butts funny big too?!

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10 thoughts on “25 more search fails

  1. What’s with all the hairspray and Bieber stuff? This is a part of you I don’t know. Also, what the hell did you write that makes chair-sitting a danger to dinks?

    People search the weirdest crap… and they land on your blog. Interesting.

    Like

    • I have strategically set up my blog to appeal to the widest demographic possible. Wait, did I say “widest”? I meant “weirdest”.

      Hairspray is actually from a very old guest article I posted, which haunts me to this very day…

      Like

  2. kalieta says:

    Daniel, Daniel, Daniel! This is hilarious!!! #12,14 and 15 are the best hahaha I can’t understand people’s searches and HOW does that relate to your blog? hahaha but great writing (and laughing) material 🙂

    Like

    • I’m just as puzzled about it as you are. Although many general terms like “sexy texts”, “hairspray” and “glasses” are all related to some older posts.

      Happy to make you laugh, these “search term” posts are usually good with the crowd 😉 Thanks for dropping by!

      Like

    • Good point! But what happens when a woman starts naming a man’s penis, as is the case here! How do we make sense of it all?! Glad you’ve enjoyed the post, happy to make you laugh, thanks for stopping by.

      Like

  3. What do eyeglasses, hairspray, butts, and penises have in common? Apparently they are all found on Nest Expressed enough times to warrant multiple search terms. Very funny! Your number 13 made me laugh out loud for its simplicity.

    Like

  4. raeme67 says:

    Almost wet myself laughing so hard!

    But…WHAT DO YOU MEAN WOMEN ARE WALKING DRAMA FACTORIES!? MR NEST! I MEAN THIS REALLY HURTS! I’M GONNA CRY, SCREAM,SHOUT, PRINT OUT YOUR PHOTO AND THROW DARTS AT IT!
    Hope that was enough drama for you. 😉

    Seriously a great post!

    Like

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