I hate snow!

Yeah, snow. That magical stuff that snowmen and dreams are made of. Hate it.

Alright, not the snow per se. Relax. I’m not dead inside.

It’s just that over the course of the past two weeks I’ve begun to hate everything I now associate with snow.

See, I assume you regular happy folks associate snow with innocent and positive things. Things like snowball fights, sleighing, frolicking outside as the white mana falls gently from the sky onto your unwrinkled foreheads and fairy-tale creatures prance around you, carefree and full of life.

For you lucky people I have two words: “Fuck off!”

None of that is my reality.

Yeah, you too, freak! You're dead to me!

Yeah, you too, magic freak! You’re dead to me!

For those of you who weren’t unduly offended by that outburst and are still reading, allow me to tell you exactly why I hate snow.

First of all, snow brings about the arrival of snow-plowing tractors. “So what?!” you ask. Just shut up and let me finish. Why do you have to interrupt me when I’m already irritable?!

You see, our windows look out onto a parking lot. Every morning at exactly 4:00 a snow-plowing tractor comes by to clear the snow from the parking lot and surrounding area. This would be almost tolerable, if only the driver had learned that a tractor has more than one gear. This is not the case.

No, this undiagnosed sociopath makes no effort to switch gears, preferring to keep the tractor perpetually stuck on first. Instead he jams the hell out of the gas pedal until his fucking foot turns into mashed potatoes (I can only hope). He reminds me of a toddler with a drum kit: he doesn’t really know how to play it, but he figured out how to produce this one awesome sound and, boy, does he keep playing the fuck out of it!

"Hi there, I'm Bob. I drive this here tractor. Vroom Vroom! Yeah, I'm an asshole!"

“Hi there, I’m Bob. I drive this here tractor. Vroom Vroom! Yeah, I’m an asshole!”

So every morning without fail I wake up to the sound of this maniac revving his engine. I’m not ashamed to admit that I wake up in murderous rage, wishing for him and his tractor to get scooped up by a giant God-hand and thrown into the dark, lifeless void of space. I have no regrets about these thoughts.

The second and even bigger annoyance is the unbridled chaos into which Danish public transport descends each winter. I’m not exaggerating when I say that every single year, at the first sight of snow, trains simply cease to function. I can only deduce that the train tracks in Denmark are made of papier-mâché and baby tears. I simply can’t find a more reasonable explanation.

Worst of all, the train operators make it sound as if they were taken completely by surprise by this unforeseeable turn of events. I can just see the train company executives sitting in their control room in a state of utter panic, going:

“Not again! Holy shit, how? What the hell is this white stuff falling from the sky?! It’s almost as if it’s some kind of recurrent seasonal event. If only there was a reliable way to forecast this calamity and prepare for it.”

Let's all just agree that it's some kind of sorcery and call it a day.

Let’s all just agree that it’s sorcery and call it a day.

So now, after a night of poor sleep I spend twice the amount of time commuting to and from work, occasionally having to give up and return home to work from there instead (yes, thankfully I have that luxury).

“But Daniel, look at the beautiful white winter outside. Isn’t the snow pretty? Isn’t it white and beautiful? Doesn’t it make it all worth it?”

If any of you say this, here’s what I’m going to do:

I’m going to dress up as George Clooney (or Jessica Alba, or [insert your preferred hot celebrity here]). I’ll track you down and come to your house. I will wait until you show up and then I’ll begin repeatedly smacking you across the head with a rolled-up newspaper. While you’re screaming for mercy I’ll be incessantly chanting: “Look at me! Aren’t I handsome?! Isn’t this all WORTH IT?!”

Thanks…I…actually feel a lot better now! Anger management therapy works wonders.

Are you angry about anything lately? Are you also a psychopath who would beat people with newspapers? Do you think snow is white and beautiful? Do you dare answer that?

44 thoughts on “I hate snow!”

  2. I’m with you Daniel. As I get older I find myself liking snow less and less. Actually its not so much the snow, as it is the damn cold that comes with it. I just want to curl up with a hot cup of cocoa cocoa and watch The Office re-runs all day. Oh… and also the snow brings sickness along with it, which has recently kicked me in the gibblies. Fun post Dan, enjoyed it.

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    • Well, I guess we all have our reasons to dislike snow! Hot chocolate is also my drink of choice on cold days – delicious. Glad you’ve enjoyed the post, hope you feel better soon.

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  3. Wow Daniel, your blood pressure must be off the scale! I do empathize – snow makes everything (driving, walking) much more difficult. It is interesting that in the United Kingdom we mock our country for its ineptitude at coping with a bit of snow. We assume countries like Denmark have it all sussed in the “dealing with winter” department. Sounds like we’re wrong.

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    • When it comes to cleaning the roads and taking care of things – they have it all under relative control. However, the Danish state railway company (DSB) are a joke. If they were in an openly competitive market I doubt they’d last long!

      My blood pressure’s back to regular levels now…but I do like anger management posts every now and then 😀

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  4. I have a bit of sympathy for that guy in a tractor. Up before anybody else, clearing the way in his trusty tractor. Running it in the optimum gear and RPM to get the job done in the most efficient manner possible. The first cog in the gear that drives society.

    …………unlike train operators, those guys are the real assholes. (maybe not, I don’t really know any train operators. I’m just trying to deflect the hate away from tractor guy a little bit.)

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    • Ha, I expected you to stand up for tractor driver rights. But alas, this guy is beyond defending…although there’s been no snow for a few days and I haven’t heard from him in a while. Maybe he did get flung to space?

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  5. Awesome post, sir.

    I enjoy the first snowfall, because it is pretty for the first hour or two. But once I have to start dealing with the effects of it, I absolutely hate it.

    I really really love your calling snow “white mana.”

    Oh, and “papier-mâché and baby tears” to describe the tracks.

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  7. The only problem with dressing up as somebody attractive and beating your readers senseless is that there is a certain subset of our society that would find you more attractive with each hit.

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  8. Hey, I bet the Danish and British sit in the same Control Room! And yes, our train tracks are made of papier maché, too. In fact, since the rain (unexpected in the UK, obviously), Cornwall has been cut off from the rest of the country. Good job we have cars and roads. Oh, wait! Because of this unexpected bad weather, this morning a fuel tanker took a slide on a nearby main road and dumped 10k L fuel. It melted the road. Ha ha ha. Well, I would laugh, only all traffic has been redirected past my door!

    Can I have the number for that anger management outfit you’re using?

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    • I’ll do you one better – I’ll let you manage your anger by beating the 4:00 o’clock tractor driver with a rolled up newspaper, or a weapon of your choice. Nunchucks are welcome!

      But damn, sounds serious, hope they patch that up quickly…before 2017

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      • Ooh, that’s nice. I can use nunchucks. I knew my misspent youth would come in handy one day, though at the time I had no quarrel with tractor drivers.

        And why 2017? Any relevance or is that how long you estimate you can survive current anger levels?

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      • Hell, this is the UK we’re talking about. We are a developed nation. It’ll take at least 100 years of committee meetings, pre-planning and evaluation reports, reviews and sacking hapless fringe personnel who had nothing to do with anything. Then we’ll get our budgets wrong, blame it on eastern European immigrants and maybe after that we’ll get to the actual building process, by which time we’ll probably all have left Earth and moved to a planet without politicians. Here’s hoping!
        Oh, and they’ve now confirmed the tanker was carrying 38 thousand litres of fuel, not 10. Just so we know exactly how much fuel melted that road. Getting our facts right matters. Even if they’re unimportant.
        Anger subsiding. Cynicism settling in. Packing for that spaceship trip. I’m first in line, just so you know.

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  9. Cheer up. In a few years there won’t be snow, there will be palm trees growing in Ohio and Florida will be under water. But hey, bitching about snow already? Seems like there’s a ways to go with that.

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  10. Hush, hush, now Emelie. Let’s keep that snow out of Ohio as long as we can. A light dusting on Christmas morn is okay–you know, for that whole sappy effect–but beyond that, I bid it adieu.

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  11. Well, Mr. Crabby Pants, I have to side with you on this one. Snow is not my friend. Its only purpose is to humiliate my Prius, as it clings to its tires and immobilizes the defenseless Hybrid. So cuss away at it. I’m with you. Then again, if it will bring Daniel Craig to my doorstep, I may have to rethink my antagonism…

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  12. Not to rub it in, but I’m looking at sunny skies in Tennessee. I have complained a bit that it’s cold because we dipped into 20 degrees one night. It’s funny, when you don’t get snow, you want it. We hardly ever get a ‘good’ snow and by that I mean more than a dusting, enough to build a proper snowman out of. Of course, even if we get a dusting of snow the schools shut down, life ceases to exist and suddenly everyone forgets how to drive.

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  13. Weirdly enough, I’m pissed about the exact opposite issue. We’ve had practically NO SNOW in Ohio yet, and I’m pissed. This is my first year with a Siberian Husky. I was expecting him to pull me around on a sled. Not to mention, my four-year-old niece comes up here from Alabama every Christmas and gets to go sledding. Maybe not this year. 😦

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  14. raeme67 says:

    Gee, Daniel! Go to your happy place! 😉 (Please don’t swear at me!) Sounds a little like my husband, I just wrote a post about how he hates the Michigan winter weather. Hopefully they get the trains running and the snow plow guy decides this work is not for him.

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