You already know that I like trolling shady people. Sometimes I write back to email scammers, sometimes I chase after sellers of questionable metaphysical items on eBay. You probably also know that I had a minor fling with haiku.
By now you probably figured out where I’m going with this…what?! No! Jesus, that’s not at all where I was going! How could you even think of something like that, you’re disgusting!
Where I’m going with this…is this:
I found another seller of magic on eBay. He was selling this life giving jewellery:
If you read the detailed and rambling description of the item (for the sake of your sanity, just don’t!) you’ll learn that these earrings are “energizing” and “cleansing” and possess the powers of regeneration and something called “joy renewal”. They also have to do with “Growth, Investment, Nerves”. Basically it’s a smorgasbord of words the seller found in the dictionary that day.
The seller goes on to say that “the most remarkable characteristic of this stone is its ability to change color”. Yes, the most mind-blowing thing about a stone that has the ability to literally regenerate people and renew their joy is the fact that it occasionally looks different to the eye. It’s like owning a time machine and claiming that the most amazing thing about it is how easily it can be stored under your bed.
Anyways, to make a long story short, I decided to mess with this seller of Wolverine powers. He went by the alias “Starborn41”, because what else would he be called? To add a new flavour to my trolling, I decided to communicate exclusively in 5-7-5 haikus – one per email. In addition, I came up with an actual Alexander who supposedly owned these Alexandrite earrings.
What follows is the nonsensical correspondence that resulted, enjoy:
Only works on my ears, or
Other body parts?
This would be for the whole body.
Is he now alive or dead?
I’m afraid of ghosts!
Sorry I can not answers your question on this.
Oh my God, it’s true!
He’s alive now, is he not?
Are you his lawyer?
I can not answers questions like this. Please Thank you
I agree, please thanks
For if Alexander lives
We must all shut up!
And he said to them
You shall know of my burden,
I see dead people
You are most welcome
Now go forth and sell earrings
To the mad masses!
What are your thoughts on “joy renewing” earrings? Would you buy a set? Do you know Alexander? Is he alive? You would tell me if he were still alive, wouldn’t you?!