We all know that knives are a useful tool. Today’s guest, Soleil Ho, will prove that their usefulness extends all the way to our post-apocalyptic future.
When society goes to pot and we’re all riding grunged-out motorcycles through a nuclear wasteland, I’m not going to be hoarding heavy artillery or a death ray: just my trusty survival knife. Trust me; I’ve watched The Walking Dead AND Demolition Man, so I definitely have lots of advanced post-apocalypse intel under my belt. After a lot of research, I’ve become convinced that knives will be my best bet because of their versatility and ease of use.
Even though many things may not be, there are some necessities that will remain certain. You’ll need food, hand tools, and the means to defend yourself and your loved ones against giant mutated rats. Luckily, a knife can help you in all three departments!
By “food,” I don’t just mean that you’ll need a dystopian steak knife. You’re going to need something that can open up cans, right? And I’m fairly sure that can openers are going to be the first things to go the second NASA spots an alien mothership heading our way. So what else can you use to unlock the goods? A knife! Opening an aluminum can with a knife is a great skill to have, so practice while there’s still time.
It may not need saying, but perhaps a reminder would be enough: knives are essential for hunting. How else are you going to get your squirrel fillets cleaned and processed? In addition to processing wild game and fish, knives are useful for setting light traps, prying wild vegetation out of the ground, making nets, and marking trails. Just think of your knife as nature’s credit card.
You’ll also be glad to have a knife for minute tasks like opening glass bottles, cleaning mud off your boots, shaving, and more. Plus, in a world without the Internet, you’ll probably want to take up whittling or something to pass the time. I’m pretty sure that’s what people used to do before Angry Birds.
Knives are really useful in all of these ways, and what really makes them ideal for a Walmart-less future is the fact that they don’t need much maintenance or extra parts as you use them, unlike a chainsaw or bazooka. You’ll be able to tackle the meanest C.H.U.D.s and tuna cans with your knife as long as you can keep it sharp.
That doesn’t mean that you’ll have a 100% chance of survival out in the nuclear wilderness, but it’ll be a big help. And when the going gets too tough, you can use your knife to carve out your last will and testament on a tree trunk. It was good knowing you!
Soleil Ho is a freelance writer and casual conspiracy theorist.