5 items for (torturing) your cats

In my last post, I gave you all a warning: I said you could expect me to talk about cats incessantly from now on. You probably laughed it off and were all like “Yeah, good use of hyperbole, dude.” Well, here comes a post about cats. Who’s laughing now?!

We’ve been doing research while waiting for our cats. Basic stuff like how to prevent cats from scratching furniture, how to train them, which plants in our house are likely to dissolve their stomachs out of existence.

In my search for cat toys and equipment I have come across some…curious items. I decided to combine a cat post with my established and proud tradition of making fun of ridiculous stuff I find online. Without further ado, allow me to introduce some items that were clearly designed by people who think we’re at war with the feline species.

5. Crazy Circle (with furry mouse)

Crazy Circle With Fur Mouse Yellow Red Cat Toy

Upon first glance, this looks like an innocent little toy for your cat. It’s clearly designed to stimulate the cat, giving it an array of entertainment options: catching a ball or punching a mouse right in the face. It’s nothing but all kinds of awesome, right?

Wrong! So wrong.

You see, this toy is designed in such a way that the ball inside can never, ever be taken out. No matter which side the cat reaches out from, how many times it paws at the ball in furious desperation and chases it in maddening circles, the ball will stay forever trapped inside its plastic, yellow-red container. That’s not a toy, that’s the first real step on the path to kitty insanity. This work of the devil teaches cats that life has no meaning and that all efforts to achieve something, no matter how clever and dedicated, are futile.

The mouse is just the cherry on top (and it’s also on top, so I’m sure there’s a clever and hilarious pun in there somewhere). While the cat is engaged in a senseless game of “chase the ball round and round and round ad infinitum,” this insufferable little bastard is just sitting there the whole time, looking down on the ordeal and laughing. Laughing! Just look at him!

The name of the “toy” is quite accurate, albeit incomplete. It should’ve been called “Crazy First Circle Of Hell.”

4. Pet High Chair

Pet High Chair With Dog In It

Yes, I am aware that it’s a dog in the chair. Thank you. If you had followed the link instead of offering “spot that animal” lessons, you’d know that the chair is designed for cats and dogs alike.

Whoever invented this chair tried to answer one simple question: “How can we let our pets share meals with us while simultaneously preventing them from walking into our soup?”

Horrifyingly, the only answer they came up with was: “Suspend them several feet in the air in a claustrophobic box they are strapped to against their will.”

In case you want to question the “against their will” part, here’s a helpful excerpt from the product description itself: “Two tethers on the chair protect your dinner guests against any lapses in etiquette“. That’s just an unnecessarily convoluted way of saying “strap your fucking cat to the goddamn chair.”

It doesn’t help that the dog in the picture is either paralyzed with fear into motionless insanity or has been dead for years.

3. Scat Mats & Strips

Scat Mats And Strips
“What the fuck is that?!” is the question on both yours and that cat’s minds. You are lucky, because I can simply provide you with a written answer. The cat, however, will have to get that answer the hard way, by being zapped with static electricity as it attempts to explore this curious new object. Hurt and puzzled, it may attempt to return to this mat to understand what had happened. ZZZZZZAP!

That’s right, you too can teach your cat to never be inquisitive by electrocuting it repeatedly. Made for people who want to discourage cats from going on their sofa but are too lazy to bother personally training it. I’m looking forward to the baby edition. That way we can cease all verbal interaction and just let invisible electric pads raise our pets and children. Until we get robots to do that for us, that is.

2. Kittywalk Pet Stroller

Pet Stroller

Have an indoor cat but want to take it out for a walk? Want to let your cat experience the joys of the outside world but too afraid it might get lost? Looking for the easiest way to show your friends and neighbors that you’re a sadistic psychopath? Then this product is for you!

This “stroller” lets you bond with your cat by forcing it to accompany you on errands while confined inside a little cage. Because nothing says “fun” like being carted around town in a tiny iron jail that’s barely large enough for you to fit into. I think the looks on the dog’s and cat’s faces say more than I ever could.

Take special note of how zero effort has been put into designing this contraption to look like anything other than a depressing prison on wheels. Why not just throw a metal cage onto a wheelbarrow and be done with it?!

1. Kitty Wigs

Electric Blue Kitty Wigs

Until today I was blissfully unaware of this product’s existence. On a related note, until today I held on to the remote hope that a merciful God was out there somewhere.

This may be the most depressing sight I’ve ever witnessed, and I’ve had the misfortune of seeing trailers for Jersey Shore and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Here’s a fun challenge for you all: Go to that website and try to find one single photo of a cat in a wig that doesn’t look like it either wants to die or murder all humans.

While you’re doing that, I’ll just go curl up in a corner and cry quietly while rocking back and forth.

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34 thoughts on “5 items for (torturing) your cats

  1. I’ve been sitting here laughing for five minutes.
    Those kitty wigs are hilarious!!!
    The inventor of the chair clearly has never owned a cat or they would know the real problem is floating cat hair in your soup.

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  2. Gwen says:

    *sigh* you sound like a great cat dad. Being a vet-type person, I wish you will make many clones of yourself. Thank you for training your cat and not just chopping his toes off. And if you haven’t found your cat buddy yet and live in SoCal, HMU! I volunteer with a rescue and local shelters.

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  3. just JENNIFER says:

    Oh, poor cats! Jeez! However…..my cat is a big chicken outside so he may actually like the cage/stroller thing.

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  4. zoe says:

    I think cat toys are more notorious for this but it breaks my heart to see that poor dog in the kiddie chair looking like he’s just been tazed. Wigs, really? ACK! (fur ball).

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    • Happy to make you laugh. Thing is there are plenty of toys that actually seem quite fun. But then there are some people who take it to the next level into unbridled insanity realm!

      Like

  5. Louise Ducote says:

    Oh, my husband and I laughed until we cried (okay, I was the only one crying) over that crazy dog stuck in the high chair. It’s a blessing that photos of the accompanying crazy humans were not included. Lifting my glass of moonshine to this so-funny post!

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    • It’s a good thing you’re able to laugh at dog insanity, you monsters! 😉

      People do the strangest things…it’s just too bad that sometimes pets have to suffer for it.

      Glad you liked the post!

      Like

  6. modmomelleroy says:

    I love the blue wig – it’s Kitty Perry! Two can play at this game. I’m gonna start breaking out the pug posts. 🙂

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  7. All of those things, in my house full of cats, would end up being slept on. Possibly even the “scat mat,” given that the littlest guy seems to have no sense of fear or pain. Or any sense at all, really.

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  8. My in-laws gave us something similar to the circle thing, but in the center is corrugated cardboard for them to scatch. The scatcher got a lot of use, and so did the ball-in-circle at first, then they were done with that. Every once in a while my cat Basil (who is sitting next to my laptop as I type but was on my lap), would walk past it and give it a half-hearted whack and keep walking.

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    • See, Basil is a genius. He’s discovered the way out of insanity – apathy! It’s a reflection of the real world and most people’s apathetic treatment of politics. 😀

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  9. Kianwi says:

    Okay, I confess, I have the circle thing with the intact ball. And now I feel wretched! I never thought I was slowly driving my cats crazy. But now thinking back on their behavior, it all is starting to make sense!

    But the wigs? Why??? I did have to laught at that website, because have you ever seen so many pissed off cats? That black cat with his claws out…those people had better watch it! There’s no question he is plotting their untimely death.

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    • You’re brave to confess! Now that you did, I must admit that I’m considering getting the crazy circle for the kittens…I want to have insane cats at home 😀

      And about those cat photos – I know, right? There’s not a single cat that isn’t either murderous or resigned to its depressing fate!

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  10. flyingplatypi says:

    I have crazy circle. My cat took it apart in approximately 4 minutes. Then she mocked me with her eyes for a week.

    I kinda wanna get her a wig as payback

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    • Ha, your cat doesn’t mess around, respect!

      The only way to re-establish your dominance is throw a wig on her, put her in a cat stroller lined with scat mats and go for a loooooong walk.

      Like

  11. My first comment mysteriously disappeared. I’ll try again. The cat in the wig has a look of resignation about her. It’s as if she’s saying, “Yeah, I know. I’ve got effed up owners. What can a cat do? You don’t get to pick your owners, they pick you. Too bad I got stuck with assholes.”

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    • You couldn’t read that expression any better. I don’t understand why people fool themselves into believing the pets may enjoy this madness. I think the cat’s face is pretty clear about its stand on the issue!

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  12. I have not laughed that hard over a blog post since a post I came across about people walking into glass doors. 😉 Too bad you have a self-hosted site, because I would nominate this post for Freshly Pressed status. Those poor animals. The pet high chair just about did me in. Combine that with the wig, and you’re one step closer to the crazy-cat-people home.

    This Daniel-getting-cats thing is going to work out really well for your readers. I look forward to more!

    Like

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