You’ll need:

Vodka – lots. Absinthe – also lots. Strawberries – 1 kg. Mint leaves – 2. Tequila – 5 shots. Sugar – around 3 to 57 table spoons. Generic, non-strawberry cake – 1.

Begin by mixing…mix some old hip-hop with a good drum and bass track to set the mood. Dim the lights. No, don’t turn OFF the lights, dim them. Yes, like that.

“…living in the Gangstaaaaa’s Paaaaaaradise”

Oldie but goodie, am I right? Don’t ever say that. Never say “oldie but goodie”. Nobody says that anymore, so let this be a lesson to you.

Anyways, the recipe.

Take a shot of tequila. Down it. Good stuff. Let’s go.

Pour the sugar into the strawberries. Oh yeah, put the strawberries into a bowl first. Forgot to mention that. Also, wash them. Before. Retroactively wash the strawberries and put them in a bowl, then add sugar.

Take another shot of tequila.

“…jump up jump up and get doooooown!”

Don’t jump. Those were song lyrics. Pay attention.

Strawberries and sugar should now be sitting in a bowl together, mingling and all that. Those crazy kids. Good for them.

A shot of tequila!

Now it’s time to get down to business. Mix vodka and absinthe in a tall glass, 50/50 ratio. 50/50…you know, like, half vodka, half absinthe. Stir them with a wooden spoon. Stir stir stir. Feel the beat. Booooooom, dzhhhh, boom-dzhhhh. Stir to the beat. Bounce to the beat. Step left, step right, spin around. Weeeeeeee. Good times.

La tequilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! One shot!

“…if you liked it then you should’ve put a riiiiiiing on it, if you liked it then you should’ve put a riiiiiiing on it. All the single ladies, all the single ladies”

What the hell is that?! Change the track. Quick. Wow. Well, that was awkward. What the fuck?! I don’t even know why that was on my playlist. I totally don’t even like that song. Shut up, it’s true.

Last shotski of tequiloffski, friendski. L’Chaim! Salut! Za zdorovje, comrade!

Wait! Did you hear that? Shhhh, listen. Oh no, that was just the wind. Don’t worry about it.

Now, where were we?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere weeeeeeeeeeere we theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. Man, I love you. Have I ever told you that? You’re a great friend. My best friend. No, I mean that!

Down it. What? No, we’re out of tequila. Down the vodka/absinthe cocktail, baby. Do it. What are you, some kind of a wuss? Just fucking down it.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Wow. OK. Let’s…let’s just sit down for a moment.

OK. Now, get up. Sloooowwwwl…no, OK, keep sitting down. That’s better. Much, much better.

“….cause I’m just a teeeeeeenage dirtbag, baaaaaaaabyyyyyy!”

No, I’m not crying. Just, something in my eye. Maybe vodka fumes.

Catch him! Catch him, quick! Catch the goddamn leprechaun before he gets away. That jumpy bastard, thinks he can outfly me. I’m not afraid of you, demonic bringer of luck and happiness!

Shit, forgot the strawberries. Should’ve kept stirring. Fuck, what a mess.

Dammit.

Maybe if we try to…no, fuck it, it’s fucking ruined. It’s all fucking ruined to fuckareens. FUCK!

FUCK EVERYTHING!

No, you can’t fix it now. Just shut up and eat the cake. It’s no strawberry cake, but still delicious.

What about the mint leaves? We were going to use them for the strawberry cake, but that’s not going to fucking happen now, is it? IS IT?!

You’ve ruined everything, as always. I hate you!

I’m going home, where are my keys?!

Wait, I am home. You go home. Get out of my house. Leave. Take your stupid vodka and absinthe with you. But maybe leave the absinthe, I kind of liked it. Leave the vodka too.

“…if you leave me now you’ll take away the biggest part of me. Ooh ooh ooh no baby please don’t go!”

Wait. Don’t go. Please. I didn’t mean any of that. Let’s not fight.

I’m…I’m kind of sleepy, think I’ll go have a nap.

Hope you liked the cake, though.