If I know my audience, which I don’t, then I’m certain you all were missing my infamous kittens posts and losing sleep over it. I am here to remedy this imaginary problem right away.
We finally picked up Django and Pebbles on Thursday evening. During their short stay at our place they’ve already taught me some valuable lessons. Here come these lessons, which none of you really wanted to hear.
4. Sleep is entirely optional
Until three days ago I considered eight hours of sleep to be an indispensable part of a healthy existence, like breathing or hating Justin Bieber. Turns out that’s bullshit. You only need a few hours of sleep a night, tops.
The first night our new kittens were too stressed about being separated from their mom. That was only fair. How would you feel about two strangers showing up at your house, kidnapping you right in front of your mother, stuffing you in a shoulder-bag and carrying you through the city while you meowed? OK, that analogy got away from me.
Yet think of all the flight ticket savings…
Anyways, Django and Pebbles woke us up a couple of times during the first night with their meows and we stayed with them until they calmed down. It was exactly like being parents. I say this with all the authority of a man that doesn’t have children and that held maybe two and a half babies during his whole life. Don’t ask about the half, it’s a long story.
The second night I got up to use the toilet at around 4AM and ended up filming the kittens play in the dark for half an hour. And no, this wasn’t creepy in any way whatsoever, thanks for asking.
Yesterday night I woke up multiple times just thinking about kitten related stuff like “why aren’t they meowing?” and “should I go film them in the dark for half an hour?”.
I’m running on far less sleep than I’m used to…and I’m perfectly fine. Why, just a few minutes ago I passed out at my laptop, drooled on the keyboard and short-circuited the Western Copenhagen area. Throughout all of this I barely noticed anything was out of order. So yeah, perfectly fine!
Wake the hell up, man! Sleep is for losers!
3. Kittens have superpowers
You wouldn’t gather this from their deceptively cute looks and purry demeanour, but kittens possess some real-life superpowers. Django’s consist mainly of escaping unscathed from high altitude falls that sound like they’d shattered every bone in his body and caused earthquakes in mainland China.
Pebbles…is a whole different story.
On Friday I worked from home to be there for the kittens and help them adjust to their new living arrangements. Both kittens were in the room with me the whole time…or so I thought. When I tried to locate Pebbles I realised she wasn’t there. I looked under the couch where she’d been before. I even looked behind the couch, because I’m not easily deterred. I looked everywhere in the room. Then everywhere around the apartment.
It was official: I’d lost a kitten in less than 24 hours. In my own apartment. I was the shittiest kitten sitter in the world, not counting the cat-juggling guy who lives outside our house and whom I’ve just invented for the purpose of this narrative.
You leave those ball-shaped kittens the hell alone, guy!
I was just in the middle of writing a heartfelt letter to my fiancee, explaining why I chose to permanently leave the country and sever all ties with her and my friends, when Pebbles…I shit you not…magically materialised from within the very same couch I’d inspected earlier. She acted as if teleporting through solid objects was the most ordinary thing you could imagine.
Rational people among you will try to explain this phenomenon away with nonsense like “she just hid in a crevice within the couch that you didn’t see”, but I know what truly happened.
Ladies and gentlemen – Pebbles is the T-1000:
2. Basil isn’t what it seems
On the first day we moved some of our plants into a closed-off room. Some plants were considered toxic to cats, some we just wanted to save from an onslaught of claws and teeth. When I entered the room some hours later it had acquired a very distinct aroma. I think we can all agree that “distinct aroma” is a much classier phrase than “cat piss”, which is what the room actually smelled like.
This was puzzling, seeing how the kittens have not accessed this room since their arrival. How did they manage to transfer their smell into a closed room? Was their pee also capable of teleportation? While I was busy pondering these important questions my fiancee came up with the silly notion that the basil plant was responsible for the smell. How very silly of her! I had to Google it just to show her how silly she was bei…
Mind = blown
Holy shit! Holy pee, even. Turns out that supermarket basil often smells like cat pee. That’s a horrible thing for an edible herb to smell of. Shame on you, basil. I’m so disappointed.
1. Kittens will melt your fucking face
Did I say “face”? I meant “heart”. Kittens will melt your goddamn heart.
We only had them for three short days and I already can’t imagine how we ever did without them. I hope I manage to avoid losing them inside the apartment again. That would be worse than eating basil after the tidbit I’ve shared above.
I’m also happy to announce that The Shreddinator 3000 is a huge success:
Wait a second, here’s a close up. May it melt your face too:
Nest Expressed 
Baby cats are the greatest thing in the world… well, baby cats and imported beer. If taken together in sufficient quantities, they can melt your heart and your face.
Keep in mind the cat pain index… and watch out for your toes. http://www.rockthesinglelife.com/2012/05/28/im-gonna-make-you-bleed-and-im-gonna-purr-while-i-do-it/
LikeLike
Indeed. They’re awesome. And yes, I’m watching out – I don’t walk around the house without a hazmat suit and steel helmet anymore (don’t ask how I get a steel helmet onto a hazmat suit)
LikeLike
Cats are kind of bouncy like that. Mine is falling off things all the time and she’s no worse for it … well, except for the fact that she never seems to learn to not fall off stuff.
LikeLike
I suspect all cats are secretly masochists and just enjoy the pain!
LikeLike
Wait!!!! When the hell did basil start smelling like cat pee!?! Is this new. Because I know basil, and it smells nothing like… Oh… Ohhhhhhhhh… Yea, I guess it does.
I’d write more, but my face melted all over the keyboard. Cuteness overload!!!
Hugs!
Valerie
LikeLike
Basil..evil damn herb, am I right?
May I suggest a plastic scoop for scraping the face off of the keyboard? I find it does the job nicely!
LikeLike
Your kittens are very sweet. I’ve always been more of a dog person and this was confirmed when I was at the mother-in-laws for an overnight visit. I was awakened in the night by the strangest feeling someone was watching me. Just before I opened my eyes I felt it…a cold liquid rolling into my left ear. When I opened my eyes one of the MILs cats was sitting on the pillow beside me. I thought she’d peed in my ear, but no, it was far better…it was drool. Actually since then, the only pets we’ve had in our house has been a snake and a lizard, cozy in their little glass habits 🙂 Good luck to you and your kittens – sounds like an adventure!
LikeLike
Ha, classic cat! I’m leaning towards dogs too, in general, but having one at our place would just be torture for the creature – especially since fiancee and I are at work for most of the day. These two kids can at least entertain each other.
Thanks, I’m sure it will be a fun journey either way.
LikeLike
Oh my goodness, they DID melt my face! So sweet. And let me give you some bad news…the sleep thing doesn’t change. If you are a light sleeper, your cats will continue to wake you up for the rest of their lives. I’ve tried tossing mine out of my bedroom and shutting the door, but then they scratch at the door for hours. It’s super fun.
I think you should change your blog into all kittens all the time, because I want more, more, more!
LikeLike
Well the good thing is our bedroom is off limits and at least for now they haven’t exhibited a strong urge to scratch their way into it. Let’s see how long that lasts!
I shall try to sprinkle an appropriate number of cat posts throughout.
LikeLike
Two and a HALF babies? Daniel, you amaze me! How did you get a girlfriend? And how did she allow you to look after the kittens?
Apart from that… my face is suitably melted. 🙂
LikeLike
What can I say – she’s a very brave woman!
Good to see that their face melting abilities aren’t lost on others.
LikeLike
The melting of the face…I mean heart is just the beginning…the love the kittens bring out in you is almost too imbearable. When my kitten looks at me with her almond shaped eyes and curls up in my arms…I also think, “Where have you been all my life?”. I can’t imagine being without her. Their presence keeps you focusing on the present, and erases the past and future reminding you of what’s really important….your presence in the present. Btw…you absolutely crack me up with your stories! Keep ’em stories comin’ 😀
LikeLike
Yeah them kittens are a sneaky bunch! Gotta love em.
Yes mam, more stories on the way.
LikeLike
The adorable furballs will continue to vanish completely, drive you crazy hunting for them, and then reappear out of no where. And look at you like, “what? I was here the whole time. “
LikeLike
I’m telling you, they’re goddamn mind-ninjas!
LikeLike
You crack me up. And the kittens are adorable!
LikeLike
Glad I do, it’s kind of the point. And thank you, they’re kick ass!
LikeLike
You always put a smile on my face, a laugh in my throat, and a creepy image in my brain. Today’s would be: “The second night I got up to use the toilet at around 4AM and ended up filming the kittens play in the dark for half an hour.” Creepy and touching at the same time. I think…
Thanks for a good laugh as I suffer through ridiculous cold May temperatures while visiting family in New Hampshire. I know I’m taking a blog break, but when I saw this post on FB, I had to stop by for the first of many (I hope) Django and Pebbles stories.
LikeLike
Strange, I thought merely telling people I’m NOT creepy would do the trick, but alas!
Happy to make you laugh, as always. We’re having the shittiest of weathers here too, otherwise known as “Danish weather”. Cold and rainy.
I appreciate you taking the time from your blog break to visit, as always!
LikeLike