By now you have undoubtedly heard of the revolutionary exercise program that is sweeping the globe. Literally an unknown number of people have already become loyal fans of this gruelling, yet deeply rewarding training regime.
You’ve seen it on the news, you’ve read the book, you’ve watched the video and you have instantly fallen in love with this electrifying, enlightening, energetic and ecstasy-eliciting workout.
I am talking, of course, about Prancercise:
But I am not here to tell you how fantastic Prancercise makes you feel. I am not here to praise the various ways it brings you in better touch with the universe, the people around you, and your very soul. I’m not here to explain how Prancercise effectively targets every major muscle group, while still leaving you feeling elated and fabulous afterwards.
You already know all of that, fellow Prancerciser. Prancercise truly is magic!
No, I am here to alert you to the unseen, ominous ways that Prancercise is affecting our lives. I am here to finally shed light on the concealed dangers that nobody previously dared to address.
I may be hated for this. I may be mocked relentlessly for taking a stand against the world’s most favourite pastime of the 21st century. I may even have my Prancercise license revoked and get permanently banned from practicing the sport I’ve come to love so dearly.
Yet, in the interest of transparency and objectivity, I must make myself heard. I cannot sit idly by while people remain catastrophically unaware of what Prancercise is really doing to us and our planet.
Without further ado, I bring to you the never-before-shared, disturbing facts about Prancercise.
4. Prancercise is extremely habit-forming
Ask yourself: when was the last time you’ve taken a walk? No, I don’t mean the by now extremely popular Prancercise warm-up walk:
I mean a regular, old-fashioned walk. The way we all used to walk before the Prancercise craze.
When was the last time you ran? The last time you climbed a tree? The last time you engaged in an activity that didn’t involve prancing around like a giddy horse?
You can’t remember, can you?!
It’s no wonder!
Prancercise has quickly and ruthlessly modified the way we propel our bodies forward. Every little movement you make has now been infused with the intoxicating power of Prancercise.
Why is that?
The answer is as simple as it is horrifying: Prancercise is extremely, tantalizingly addictive. It has physically replaced the need for people to practice any other sports, because it is the Holy Grail of exercise.
“Well, is that necessarily so bad? After all, Prancercise is a complete workout for your body, your soul and your mind!” all of you will rightfully protest.
Under normal circumstances you would be right – if a truly healthy workout replaced literally everything else we did, it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing at all.
However, is Prancercise really a healthy and risk-free workout?
That brings me to my next point.
3. Prancercise carries the risk of severe injuries
Here’s the advanced part of the Prancercise program – the “Gallop”:
Upon watching this video you will notice a few things, like how uninhibited it makes you feel, how incredibly liberating it is and how much joy and happiness it can bring. However, if you’re critical, you will notice something far, far more sinister.
Can you see what it is?
She’s wearing absolutely no protective gear! Zero! No knee or elbow pads, no ankle guards, nothing! At the pace of a gallop one would hope for at least a helmet, yet she doesn’t even attempt to use a sweatband to protect her head.
Not only is she recklessly endangering her own life, she’s signalling to her followers that it is perfectly OK to take no safety precautions when Prancercising. This is fatally misleading. People can suffer serious trauma as a result of this oversight.
I am not merely being alarmist. My claims are supported by this emotional Amazon review:
Most people have dismissed this review as being “satirical”, but these people are the blind zealots of Prancercise. The sheeple. The horsele.
I know true human suffering when I see it. “Trip” is clearly crying out for help. He’s tried so hard to give others a desperate warning, yet nobody heeded it.
Prancercisers, your very lives are at stake! Wake up and start protecting yourselves!
2. Prancercise is putting exercise coaches out of business
Take a careful look at this picture:
Do you recognise that man?
Of course you don’t!
He’s been pushed into complete obscurity when Prancercise hysteria took over the planet.
Yet, believe it or not, as recently as 2012 this man – his name is Psy – was a worldwide sensation. His musical exercise routine, combined with energetic beats and inspired by the fluid movements of a horse, was once the object of much admiration and acclaim. His Youtube fitness tape, cleverly disguised as a music video, was seen by billions and practiced by absolutely everybody.
So, what does Psy have to do with Prancercise?
Well, let’s just say that the horse-motion teachings of Prancercise are heavily “inspired” by his routine. You want proof? Look:
Not only is Psy clearly mimicking horse movements, but he’s surrounded by horses to lend credibility to his exercise program. This man was the true inventor of horse-influenced physical activity, but his work was shamelessly plagiarised and re-packaged into the massive success that Prancercise is today.
How many other fitness coaches have had their lives ruined by the pervasiveness of Prancercise? We’ll never truly know, but every time you prance around your backyard from now on you’ll do well to remember at what cost your favourite exercise has come to be.
1. Prancercise is making horses obsolete
Friendship between humans and horses goes so far back that I can’t even begin to Google for exactly when it happened.
We always needed each other. We needed horses to serve as our means of transportation and to provide companionship. Horses needed us to…horses needed us, too (citation needed).
Now ask yourself: what do we need horses for today? We have dogs as companions. We have cats to simultaneously entertain us and drive us mad. We eat cows because screw cows, apparently.
Until recently we have at least stuck to riding horses for exercise and fun, but then Prancercise showed us that we didn’t really need them. Why would we need horses, when we can be horses?
Yes, horses are officially obsolete. They will soon become extinct. Don’t be surprised when the day comes where horses are just some mythical creatures we read about in history books. Prancercise has already triggered the first phases of what will soon turn into a systematic eradication of all horses.
Don’t believe me? Then believe the facts:
Hear my words, people!
Save the horses – stop Prancercising!
Otherwise it won’t be long before we live to regret our obsession with this terrifying activity.