Russia’s Anti-Gay Laws: 5 reasons they’re necessary

Top news of the day: I have returned to Denmark, but will be leaving again in a week to partake in the minor event called my-freaking-wedding-holy-schlimazel-I’m-going-to-be-married-soon-how-crazy-is-that.

In other, less momentous news, everyone is wondering whether Russia’s anti-gay bill will affect the upcoming Olympics in Sochi. The simple and unambiguous answer to that, of course, is that it most definitely will, but absolutely, categorically will not.

While many people oppose Russia’s bill, I am here to talk about its merit and discuss the many reasons it’s a very necessary measure.

Don’t worry, I won’t be repeating the obvious. Everyone knows that when our kids see two gay men kissing or holding hands in public they automatically start worshipping the Devil and stabbing stuffed animals in the eye with ice picks. That’s just common sense. Plus all that hand-holding is, like, really icky and stuff.

What I’ll be presenting are the less-known facts that expose gay people for what we’ve always suspected them to be: well-adjusted, contributing members of society who, apart from their sexual preference, are exactly the same as the rest of us. I know, it’s sickening!

Here are the reasons why we should uphold anti-gay laws.

5. Gays make straight parents look bad

Did you know that some studies point to gay couples making the best parents? Or show that children who have gay parents are apparently happier?

While some of you may be tempted to applaud these findings and even use them to argue that gay parents are better for our society, let me stop you right there.

How do you think it makes straight parents look? That’s right: it makes them look like incompetent fools. If our children can’t look up to their straight parents, who will they look up to? That’s right: fictional heroes like John McClane, Rambo and Forrest Gump. Next thing you know our children are eating chocolate and walking on broken glass. We can’t have that!

Dark Chocolate

Dark Chocolate – the Black Death of our generation

4. Gay marriages put lawyers out of work

A recent study looked at legalisation of gay marriage and its correlation to divorce rates. What it found was shocking, horrifying and, for lack of a better word, horrifying (for the second time): those states that allow gay marriage have, on average, lower divorce rates.

I don’t think anybody needs me to explain what this means, but I will do so anyway. It means that divorce lawyers will become unemployed as soon as gay marriage is legalised. Lawyers have long been an underprivileged and oppressed class in our society. Now, gay marriage is threatening to drive them out of work and into depression.

Save the world’s lawyers! Don’t be a monster!

Lawyer in Dark Clothes

Look at the poor bastard, forced to wear hideous rags!

3. Gay men are stealing our women

Did you know that, according to this study, women are more likely to trust relationship advice given by gay men? In fact, they are more likely to trust a gay male friend than a straight female friend.

I want you to think long and hard about what the implications of this are, then I will tell you what they are, because you’re bound to arrive at the wrong conclusion.

If gay men are allowed to run around and build meaningful relationships with our women, our women will have less time for us. Also, gay man are in a perfect position to get into our women’s heads and turn them against us. Women trust them unconditionally! Next time your girlfriend or wife talks to a gay friend of hers, what’s stopping him from saying: “Forget about Daniel (your name is Daniel too, right?)! You should be with me instead”?

Nothing!

What’s that? Why would gay men be interested in stealing our straight girlfriends? I have the perfect answer for you:

Shut up when I’m making a point that makes sense in my head, that’s why! Smart ass!

Donkey Eating From A Hand

Asses do have surprisingly high IQ

2. Gays have had their time, now it’s our turn

I bet you thought that gay people are the product of our twisted modern society, but, it turns out, they’ve been around for a long, long time. They’ve been spotted in ancient Rome, ancient Greece, ancient Mesopotamia and countless other places. I haven’t been to any of those! When was the last time you went to ancient Rome or ancient Mesopotamia? Thought so!

When is it our turn?

The answer is: now!

Gays have been stealing our thunder for as long as Zeus, the God of Thunder, was splitting trees asunder with his lightning bolts. Finally, in the 21st century, straight people get to be noticed.

I refuse to remain silent. I will shout it from the rooftops:

We are here! We are straight! We are…not as good at rhyming!

Halloween

Believe it or not, all of these words rhyme!

1. Gay people make all of us gay

There’s no mild way to put it, so I’ll just say it: it’s been proven that countries with less anti-gay discrimination are happier than others. Take the case of a disgusting little place called Denmark. Danes are consistently rated as the happiest nation and they are one of the most liberal folk when it comes to gay rights. Awful!

You’re not following, are you? Do I need to spell it out? Fine:

Gay tolerance make countries happy. Do you know what another word for “happy” is? Gay! Another word for “happy” is “gay”.

So, scientific studies show that, in a very real, measurable way, gay people are making every single one of us gay too! It’s contagious! It’s just like the zombie apocalypse, but slightly more fabulous.

Green Zombie

What a gay zombie!

Say what you want, but Russia clearly knows what it’s doing.

If you all want to be happy, have stable marriages and satifised children, go right ahead and play into the gay people’s hands!

Me? I’ll stay right here and be bitter and miserable, along with Russia, thank you very much.

***

There Is MoreFor some more pertinent commentary on societal issues, check out:

5 stupidest arguments against pursuing gender equality

4 Hidden Dangers of Prancercise

12 surprisingly insightful “stupid” celebrity quotes

44 thoughts on “Russia’s Anti-Gay Laws: 5 reasons they’re necessary”

  1. David says:

    You haven’t mentioned why gay marriage should be allowed
    so that lawyers and gay hate groups can sue businesses that act upon their conscience, so that one group of people whose sexual preference is different from the statistical norm can legally discriminate and legally force other people to change their moral viewpoint. This means equality! this means we go back to what everyone loved about the 50’s and previously , way back, church run governments, forced morality, but clearly a new moral church is better than the old ones, this new legally enforced church is one based on myopic and exclusive equality for gay and lesbian couples. A new dawn begins, minority rules and majority clearly just should join in or be sued until you change your ways.

    Also so that most children in Gay relationships will not know, and in some countries be legally refused the knowledge of who their biological father or mother is depending on who the donor was— this is good as long as parent one and parent two were allowed equality. How one turns out as an adult is exclusively a consequence of your environment when your are growing up, biology and genetics has nothing to do with who you are and has no bearing on your future at all, so kids have no reason to know and obviously will never want to know who their biological parent/ biological parent other half was. That never happens, but they cannot find out what other kids take for granted anyway because the donors name is not allowed to be made available, so equality rules again.

    This also means that children of such relationships will never complain that they had no alternative view from their parents, i.e male view versus female viewpoint, in the normative sense. This is because parents are naturally and biologically interchangeable , of course males think exactly like females and anyone can be a parent as long as they and a government somewhere says so. Also an opposite sex friends view is exactly the same as having a male and female parents perspective, completely the same.

    And the extra huge advantage is that governments will be forced to fund the IVF programs as some married couples will be biologically disadvantaged by their unevolved nature and will therefore need state assistance to procreate.

    cherry picking ‘research’ is good for the soul, isn’t it Daniel.

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    • Thanks for the long-winded angry rant, David. Hope venting helped you feel a bit better.

      PS: You should consider pitching your comment as a dystopian sci-fi movie script. I’d watch it.

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  7. I love your event title – congrats on your upcoming wedding! This was very funny. And you are obviously gay if you are living in Denmark, the gayest country in the world, right?

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  8. Halfway through the post, I dunno why, I suddenly wondered how people who don’t understand sarcasm would take this… and then I was like – “Who cares?” and continued laughing. 😉

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    • Well, unless my girlfriend’s hiding something it should be a heterosexual union, to the best of my knowledge! It IS going to be in Czech Republic though, which is basically like Soviet Union!

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  11. You had me at “Everyone knows that when our kids see two gay men kissing or holding hands in public they automatically start worshipping the Devil and stabbing stuffed animals in the eye with ice picks.” and kept my interest. Actually, my neck of the woods has more gay couples with kids than San Francisco. I loved your wit in this post….I first thought oh no this blogger supports Russia’s ban? I have to read it and get very angry! I ended up nodding and chuckling. Good times. (found you on yeahwrite)

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  15. Looks like your little break only facilitated your fabulous humor. Hope you had a great time!

    My favorite one was about putting the poor lawyers out of work. Now- that really would be sad.
    And I never thought about Halloween rhyming! Wow! You really took your time on that one.

    My first name is Gay and I’m married. Really.

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    • Yeah my rhyming skills are improving day by day. At this pace I’ll be a famous rapper any…aaahm…day?

      Really? Ha, nice!

      I am about to get married and I must admit I’m quite gay about it!

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  16. ardenrr says:

    We are here! We are straight! We are…not as good at rhyming!

    I just spit water on my computer thanks to this … my coworkers are staring!

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