WTF Report: “Algae Helmet”

Have you always wanted to turn your breath into food? Are you dying to eat some delicious algae? Looking for a way to combine those two activities into one?

Now you can!

For a low low price of who-even-fucking-cares you too can start converting your very own CO2 into edible algae that you wear directly on your head.

All with a simple, stylish, discreet algae helmet that is guaranteed to turn heads and make you the star of any fancy cocktail party. Behold:

The concept is as ingenious as it is not-at-all-the-stuff-of-your-nightmares: you breathe into the tubes, tiny algae in the tubes eats your CO2, then you eat the algae. Yum! Everybody wins, except the algae. Algae very much loses.

And don’t worry, it’s not actually called “Algae Helmet”. That would be ridiculous. No, it’s called “Algaculture Symbiosis Suit”, because fuck it!

So what are you waiting for?

Order your algae helmet today and start looking like an alien attack victim already tomorrow!

14 thoughts on “WTF Report: “Algae Helmet”

  1. Can I order 4 symbiosis suits, for me, Mrs Jones and the two kids. After all, it’s very green and so good for the environment, and I’ll look no worse than I usually do on a Monday morning when I’ve been on a weekend Rioja binge.


    • Sir, you’re in luck. Just today we have a special “buy 4 get 4” family offer. It even comes with a cute “face-hugger” theme for the kids. Enjoy your masks and your nightmares!


  2. Kianwi says:

    Wow. I can’t imagine that someone actually spend time designing and creating that! I mean aside from the science of it, who in the heck would want to eat algae?? But one thing I wonder…does the algae grow more rapidly if someone has super stinky breath?


    • That is an awesome question?! You could market it to the same target demographic as the chewing gum manufacturers, as an alternative.

      “What do you want? Fresh breath or your own supply of edible algae? The choice is yours! Think about it!”

      I’m not very good with catchy slogans.


  3. I can’t begin to articulate how much this disturbs me…

    By the way, I am loving that Jussi Adler-Olsen book ‘The Keeper of Lost Causes.’ If you enjoy Nordic thrillers, you should check it out. You cross my mind whenever I read it, not just because it takes place in Copenhagen, but because Adler-Olsen gives his crotchety detective protagonist such a sarcastic sense of humor–kind of like yours! Humor isn’t often found in Nordic thrillers, so this is a nice change of pace. Which is good, because the plot itself is dark.


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