This post is a confession.
I’ve been married for less than a month, but I am already exchanging secret emails with a new love in my life: Lyuba.
Lyuba is from a place called either Saratov or Stavropol, which may or may not be in Russia. Lyuba is a woman, probably. We have only exchanged a few emails so far, but I do hope there are many more to come.
I am not proud of it, which is why I am coming clean with this post. Maybe reading the correspondence will make you understand just why I am so infatuated with Lyuba. Maybe it will help you forgive me. In any case, what follows is our unaltered email exchange. Please don’t judge me.
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Lyuba, 29-08-2013
Good morning Daniel , as the mood? I hope you’re with a smile reading this letter.
I want to find a life partner who would be next to me. A man who will give me all your love, care and affection.
I live in the city of Stavropol ‘. In the European part of Russia. I am not afraid of the distance between us. Because I know that a lot of Russian arrives in your country.
In the future, we could have a meeting. I’ll be waiting for your reply to my e-mail address sent you a photo, I hope you got them? What hobbies have in your life?
I hope that you will write to me today … I was glad to talk a little bit about me.
All the best,
Lyuba
[I’m not posting the photo out of concern for the privacy of a woman who may very well be unaware that her photo has been used]
Daniel, 31-08-2013
Lyuba!
My ears are burning with the heat of a thousand broken lava lamps!
Your face…it is so round. Your eyes…you have two of them.
Heaven must be missing an angel because one of them is around you 24/7 protecting your face from smashing into things, thereby preserving its symmetry. I am at a loss for words. Clearly.
You ask of my hobbies? I have plenty: extreme couponing, bubble wrap popping, and salsa – especially with Nacho chips.
Please, dear Lyuba, tell me more about this magical land called Russia and of your life in its inhospitable jungles.
Awaiting your sincere response,
Daniel
Daniel, 02-09-2013
Dear Lyuba,
Two days go by. No response?
I await your reply as I await the coming of the alien invasion.
Yours,
Daniel
Lyuba, 03-09-2013
Good evening,
Wow, I’m glad to receive your letter. I am very pleased that you did not leave my letter unanswered. I have not written to you for a long time!
Thank you very much for your attention, I hope that our communication will be developed on and we continue to learn more about us.
I think you will be interested to know the new me. As you already you know, I live in Saratov, Russia. It is very cozy and beautiful city that has given me a lot in life.
Tell me some more about the place where you live? In Saratov I was born, graduated from high school and got a degree in economics education profession manager.
I know much English, and Italian. My plan is to learn Spanish and French. And I think it will be easy to understand us. Sometimes, however, I use a translator google.
I now work in the company, manager sales sanitary ware and ceramic tiles. I have a lot of time to work, and by the 29 years, I realize that I must think about starting a family.
While I have not been able to I find the right person. So I decided to look on the internet possibly a man with whom I could create serious relationship. And maybe in the future, it turned into a solid reliable couple – a family!
What are you looking for?
Since childhood, my parents raised me as a decent and honest man. I always showed respect for their elders and take care of the people close to me! From an early age, I went to the school dance. So even now, I have a beautiful shape and appearance. And every day, I usually have morning run. I think you can see it in my photos.
And as you care about your health? I would love to see more of your pictures.
I have worked very hard all year to make a gift, and to go abroad. But the most important was my dream find someone I care. And perhaps our acquaintance was not coincidence. And I’d like you to tell more about you.
I very much hope that you will be the man of whom I will be fun and easy! And maybe in the future we can have a meeting. My visit to you, it would be a good opportunity for us to meet, more familiar and develop relationships.
I very much hope that in the future we will use this chance. Time will tell! While too early to talk about it!
I will end on this my letter and I want to wish you a good day and great mood. I hope tomorrow to get a response from you letter.
With kind regards,
Lyuba
Daniel, 05-09-2013
Lyuba!
If I was a poet I would compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey, but I am not, so I shall compare you to foam from a beer on the table. I like it!
You confuse me, Lyuba. You tell me before your city is Stavropol. Now you say Saratov. Forgive me, my Russian geography is meek. I assume Saratov is the capital of Stavropol. Is this correct? Or maybe Stavropol is a fake city you made up to play a game. I like! It sounds like “Interpol”.
You are 29? Oh my, I would not give you a day over 28 years and 10 months. Amazing!
Lyuba, I am troubled by a thing you said. I must be open and utterly honest with you, the way you have clearly been with me. You said you were raised to be a “decent and honest man”. Did you have surgery?
Lyuba, I do not judge. If you are no longer a man it is all perestroika and rainbows with me! But if you are a man still, I am afraid we may not work. I am not into men. I have experimented briefly in high school, but the experience left both myself and the statue of Ronald McDonald greatly troubled and unsatisfied. No more!
Like you, I study languages. I want to speak to as many people in the world as possible. This is why I recently learned Hmong, Konkani, and Klingon. Qapla’!
Also like you, I every day have morning run…for my bus, because that bastard always wants to drive away before I get there.
For sure we can meet together in my country, Lyuba. It is how people get to see each other in person. By meeting.
Please, do not keep me waiting Lyuba. Much is at stake. The fate of the world depends on us. We will not fail.
Cautiously hopeful,
Daniel
You can find more of our correspondence right here.
***
This isn’t the first time I troll online scammers. There are more here:
My correspondence with a scammer
Nest Expressed 
You’re wicked, Daniel, but hilarious.
Loved the apparent sex change!
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Wickedness and hilarity often go hand-in-hand, sir. Glad you’re laughing!
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I think it’s time to start asking Lubya the important question… Would she prefer paper or sand on the floor of her marriage cage? Will she bring her younger sisters and daughters to meet you too? How many square indents are there in a perfect waffle?
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Also, how many construction workers does it take to do the Macarena and OH MY GOD I’M CRAZY!
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Lyuba seems a little confused. Are you sure you want to risk your marriage for the love of this man/woman or whatever the hell it is?
P.S. I now need therapy, because I can’t get that image of you and Ronald out of my head. I am sending you the bill.
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Send it directly to Ronald McDonald, it’s his problem now!
And yes, Lyuba is a bit confused, but that’s what makes her so irresistible, right?
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That clown won’t pay anything!
You have not established that Lyuba is a girl, have you?
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I am leaning toward a “self-aware automated spambot”, but the jury is still out!
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Oddly, whenever I look at my blogstats page, I have almost as many views from Russia as from the US. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s because Boxing is big in Russia. Please ask your new Russian sister-wife and get back to me.
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I shall try my best to gather this valuable insider knowledge!
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FWIW, I got an alert from Gmail a few months ago that my personal email had been hacked from a location in Russia. While I assume they’re innocently trying to determine how much Stolichnaya vodka I have stockpiled, I did change my password.
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That was a hasty decision. Maybe Lyuba was trying to get some intel before putting her smooth moves on you!
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Sounds like a match made in heaven to me! lol
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If this isn’t fate, I don’t know what is!
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I hope she/he writes again. Love this line: “If you are no longer a man it is all perestroika and rainbows with me!” But I admit the image of you with the Ronald McDonald statue left me a little troubled. Just a little. I’m not judging.
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That makes three of us – you and me and Ronald. I also hope to hear more from “Lyuba”, I love messing with scammers.
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You are hilarious and talented. Must check back often to read your correspondence. Thanks for coming by my blog. Signing off, your newest fan.
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Thank you. There are plenty of old scammer-trolling posts from earlier – you can start there. Happy you had a laugh.
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Oh God, this is so funny!! Keep posting the correspondence. 😛
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I do hope Lyuba will keep writing. I just sent her another nudging email. Glad you’re enjoying it.
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a) That was pretty funny and b) I don’t get on-line scammers like this. Are there seriously guys out there that are like, “YES! I am all about sending this woman $1000’s to get a pretend plane ticket!”? Is the scammer approaching this thinking that while 99% of men won’t fall for this 1% will so if they email 1000 men they’ve got a nice business model? Or is there another more enigmatic sinister game afoot?
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Scammer? What do you mean? Lyuba can’t be a scammer, she’s learning Italian after all!
On a serious note, that’s exactly what keeps these scammers in business – the 1% of people who are gullible enough to justify that business model.
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You’re braver than I am. I’d be terrified to even start talking to some nutjob like that…I truly hope you’re making all this up and yes I might be that gullible.
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I am 100% making up my emails to Lyuba, yes. Except for the Rnald McDonald part – that’s totally true. Her emails to me? That’s something I couldn’t make up even with a “translator google”.
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Geez, do you think it’s a real chick or do you think it’s some dude wearing a wig at his computer and just hoping you’ll fall in love???? 😛
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If we’re serious, this is a 100% transparent money scam. Eventually “Lyuba” will want to come to “my country” and “require money for a plane ticket”.
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Sounds like a very sound and solid basis for an ongoing, healthy relationship.
And to think you found it online!
🙂
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Right? All those naysayers tell us love can’t be found on the Internet! They just haven’t met Lyuba.
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What does your new wife think about this affair you’re starting with lub-ya? I think it is a plus that she/he is learning Italian don’t you?
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Well my wife was obviously very upset at first, but when she heard that Lyuba speaks Italian she said “Italian? Well, I can’t compete with that, can I=”. And she’s right!
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Hey you put up a ‘like’ button. Yay!
You forgot to ask Lyuba a very important question: if she (he?) was allergic to cats. Language barriers, Y-chromosome barriers, geography barriers…those can all be dealt with. But if she (he) can’t handle Pebbles and Django, then it’s a definite no go.
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If I know anything about Saratov/Stavropol, which I don’t, they go crazy for cats. Literally. 78% of Saratovropol’s population are locked up in asylums with feline-induced instability syndrome.
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“feline-induced instability syndrome”—I hear they found the gene locus for that syndrome now.
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Cripes. There goes my medical confidentiality. Damn Lubya.
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Damn her to the cat gods in the sky!
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