Lyuba: last chapter

This will be the last post about Lyuba. Like most trilogies, this saga will end with chapter three.

This sad story started about a month ago, then went through a rough period when Lyuba stopped writing back.

Lyuba wrote again last week, but her return was bitter-sweet. You see, I have realised something. Lyuba is not who she says she is.

Yes, as much as it hurts me to admit, Lyuba is insane. Here are some signs:

  • She is unable to read, even though she writes. Clearly, Lyuba was unable to retain any new information about me or answer any of my questions.
  • She started to respond to two separate email threads from me, but with the same message. She seems to believe I’m two different people.
  • She sees robots, everywhere. You’ll understand soon enough.

Finally, in her last email she requested money from me. Who would have seen this coming? Not I, certainly. She is claiming she needs money for the trip to “my country”, but I know the painful truth: Lyuba is behind on her asylum bills. I don’t believe in therapy and therefore decided to cut off all ties and stop writing to Lyuba. It hurts, but tough love is better than no love.

What follows is our last bit of correspondence.  While Lyuba’s emails are inane ramblings of a dangerous lunatic, I am including them. You may wish to skim through, they’re only there for the record. I hope you, too, agree that Lyuba cannot be helped.


Lyuba, 13-09-2013

Hello my dear, ahhhh, I still came home from work, hot outside.

Friday is over, so tomorrow the weekend. Today, it was a sunny morning, so very hot. By the calendar mid-September, beginning of a beautiful autumn, and then it will be hot for long.

We now the sun shines brightly and the beautiful weather. At night about +20 +22 degrees Celsius. Now I’m home and happy to read your kind letter! Thank you, you warms me! How is the weather at you?

Today, my mother cooked borsh, have you ever tried Russian borsh???:) This is a delicious soup, and may be in the future I will be able feed you this dish. It would be great to do it.

So my mother a good cook, since my childhood I have always been involved in cooking in the kitchen. It is not even a hobby. I also collect recipes. I love to experiment and invent itself their specialties! While were still satisfied with my food, and no more who is not poisoned.

Sometimes my mom arranged culinary fights. All day we had prepared a variety of delicious dishes, and then in the evening we came to visit, and after dinner, we were interested in what dish tastier. Previously won my mother, but now we are ready to the same level. I’ll be glad to know what is your favorite dish?

Today, talking to my parents about a future trip. They are very worried about me because I’m the only daughter, and when I go to you, the parents were alone will greatly miss me.

But so they are very happy that I met you. Mom knows you’re older me, and it is positive to treat this. My dad just over my mom for 14 years, even with such a difference, our family is very happy and safe!

It is very interesting to communicate with you. So I always wanted to meet the man of my age. And you know I even very nice, I feel the power in you. You are more experienced in life, relationship with a woman. Do you know how to make a woman happy. Write me what you think in this case? What is for you the most important thing in life?

My heart does not give me peace of mind, I’m worried! With each passing day, our meeting gets closer. As you already know, I organize my travel.

September 18 I am going to Moscow for an interview and a visa. So I need to know exactly in which airport I fly? Can you meet me at the airport? I think after obtaining a visa, we will organize a trip at the end of September or beginning of October.

But I want to come to you for the first time at 15-16 days for a short vacation, so we take a closer look, we learned about our desires and dreams.

I hope we we will build a strong relationship. Then I will have to go to Russia, because my vacation is over. You’re probably worried and worried before our meeting. But I’m not going to think about the future, time will tell…

Hopefully, when I arrive to you, you introduced me to his relatives, introduce me to your friends and loved ones! I will be interested in learning more about your family! I will end this letter and attached to some photo of me and my city.

I wish you all the best for today, let your day will be a success, hard kiss and hug you! I hope you could feel my sweet kiss on his lips!

Your Lyuba

P.S. I hope you had a wonderful day


Lyuba, 16-09-2013

Good evening my sweet kitten! May I call you a kitten? I am very glad that you’re back with me, it’s like you’re somewhere close!

I already feel that it will happen soon. Today was a very intense day.

I finished all the works on the job and is now officially a thing of the holiday. Tomorrow is Tuesday, but I will need to come in the morning to work at 30 minutes, give another recent documents manager and I am free! How was your day?

So I was at my aunt Valya. She prepared a very special delicious dessert, it was a cake with apples, covered with cream. You just no idea what a delicious cake is ready, my aunt, from can not refuse. Mmmmm … it’s wonderful

And, yet, we talked a lot about life, about love. I told my aunt that im do not like other men, in you there is something special that I was very attracts. By the way my aunt gave me a gift that I must necessarily give you from my aunt. It will be a surprise for you, but this has remain a mystery.

Today I collected some things for my trip. And I’m very excited and a little bit with fear waiting for this beautiful moment of our meeting! No, do not worry, it’s not terrible it is the fear of pleasure, fear of something unknown. Mom tried to teach me as a young child, which is sent far away. And in fact it is. Just my mother is very worried and is going through, because she can not see me long time.

And very excited and a little with the fear of waiting beautiful moment. Already looking forward to it when I see you. You do not have to worry, I will not do for the additional difficulties and We can meet with free time for you. You will be my guide. Agreed? 🙂

I have a suggestion! I wish I could talk to you on phone. And really want to hear your voice. What do you think about this? Please write me your phone number and country code, and what time is best to call you.

Today to call the embassy to clarify the interview. Namely, in the Thursday, September 19 at 10:00 am I will have an interview at Embassy. So after tomorrow night, I’ll go to Moscow. Distance from Saratov to Moscow almost 900km, so I’ll be up all night in way. And arrive in Moscow on Thursday morning. And if I have successful interview, I can travel to you. Now I would like to have wings and fly to you. You have not noticed?

I’m getting close my fluffy kitten. I sit next to you, and Look carefully. I try to make out the features of your caro, and watching as you read this letter.

And watch as your face, it expression changes on the process of reading these words.

It would be nice suggest that these words touch your heart, and if so, do you feel?

Allow me to make my words soft touch you, and not just my words, but also my feelings that are born to you, gently and tenderly embrace you. You feel them warm?

I hope these words to warm you, and bring a smile to your face. Allow to that feeling has never left you!

Now I will go for a walk with the dog. After the walk, I want to take a glass “MM’s”. You love MM’s? Black or yellow? Mm’s is my favorite treat.

And watch a movie with my parents. Write to me, as you will have the opportunity to look will be waiting for your answer! I wish a pleasant evening …

Your Lyuba

Daniel, 17-09-2013

Hello, my marshmallow-faced burglar-baby!



I sprained my finger typing that. Sorry.

Tuesday is over, so tomorrow not Tuesday.

Borsh? You crazy, Lyuba. That’s not even a word. Why are you making up words, Lyuba?

I am happy that everyone who wasn’t poisoned by your food is satisfied with it. If you poison the rest, you’ll have the perfect score. Wink wink.

I also sometimes have culinary fights, but they usually end up with me scraping take-out Chinese off the walls.

Please, Lyuba, send me a picture of your dog. I will frame it and wear it on my neck at all times, so that his spirit can protect me. I, of course, assume that he’s a Russian Borzoi. I hear that’s the only dog they have in Russia. It is true, yes?

Lyuba, you ask such silly questions. Please, just fly to the central airport of my country, where all the planes land. It is very simple.

Your aunt made dessert? Sounds like your family is all about making and eating food. What a coincidence! That’s, like, literally how the rest of the world is too.

Lyuba, I hear only one in ten people who visit the Embassy in Moscow ever come back. I hear the rest are sent to work in the mines, or even worse, in McDonald’s. Please be careful, Lyuba. But, if you do end up working in McDonald’s, I am partial to their milkshakes. Wink Wink. Ha, I do this a lot, yes?

When you said that you sit close to me and look, I turned around and nobody was there. Why the lies? Although I did feel kind of warm and fuzzy. Those electrical heaters malfunction in the most unpredictable ways.

I am afraid we cannot talk on the phone. I am under surveillance by the FBI, CIA, YMCA and The Bee Gees. I would rather not get into details here, but I will make sure to tell you all about it when we meet in my country.

Yes, I also enjoy a good glass of M&Ms in the evening. Who wouldn’t want to eat M&Ms out of a glass?! Crazy people, that’s who!

Lyuba, time draws near, adventures await, plot thickens, clouds gather, music crescendoes. Do not hesitate. Do not stop. Run. Run, Lyuba, run. You are almost there! He’s getting close now. Faster. NOOOOOOOOOO!

White stripes, Daniel

PS: Bring Skittles.


Lyuba, 20-09-2013

Good morning, my dear kitten!

Why are you silent? I’m excited! I came home from Moscow. So it will be easier to plan for the future. On Thursday I had an interview and I successfully passed it. I execute all documents and put a visa. Now I can go to you!

Today I will be going to travel agency and will be booking travel. And I think in the end of August we will have a meeting.

I was very lonely in Moscow, but I also watched a lot of beautiful places! When I was in Moscow, the time it seemed like an eternity.

Around were some robots. 15 million robots. You know what I noticed? They constantly somewhere late.

While I was in Moscow, I visited many beautiful places. I watched Gorky Park, visited two of the museum. Was in the Tretyakov Gallery.

So he traveled to many interesting places. I have so far is a holiday, and we now hope to plan a meeting.

Tell me please, how you doing? I hope you are well? What are you doing today? What are your plans for tonight?

Your phone I do not have. And therefore I can not call.

And if you have the opportunity, please call me. And I can answer you!

I really want to hear your voice!

Write me please.

Have a good day and I embrace.

Your Lyuba


Daniel, 21-09-2013


This has gone too far. I refuse to mislead you any longer. You deserve to know the truth.

You may want to sit down for this. Alternatively, you might want to jump up, jump up, and get down. Understand?

Lyuba, I am a robotic assassin, sent back from the future. My mission here is to find and kill Sarah Connor.

However, now that you came along I am experiencing what is colloquially known as a “Z2 Type-C Protoplasmic Malfunction of Code Red Severity”. You have short circuited something in my circuits and now I no longer wish to kill anyone. I want to fly uninhibited through the clouds like a butterfly or a black plastic bag carried by a gust of wind.

Something you said, however, troubled me. You said you saw 15 million robots in the metropolis you humans call “Moscow”. This is a clear sign of an escalation. An invasion is coming, Lyuba, and you have been chosen. You can pick your new name – Neo or John Connor? Act fast, for we don’t have much time.

As a token of trust, I am now finally ready to reveal a photo of me that you have been asking for. I have added a few fake features to protect my identity, but this is the best I can do under the circumstances:

Robot With Mustache

I hope you like what you see. I’m not what you’d call “athletic”, but I do have all of my appendages in anatomically accurate locations.

Also, here is my phone number. It is scrambled using the Alpha Crux Matrix protocol, so you’ll need to use its reverse polarization to decode it. Here:

AABJ1 – 009ML – ET – 2

I am hoping to hear from you very soon, Lyuba. Hurry. Winter is coming!

Till death do us part. Your death, that is. I am physically incapable of dying.

Yours electronically,


Lyuba, 24-09-2013

My kitten, I do not know how to begin to write you a letter.

Therefore I do not know what to do! Since I could not find a solution problems. I try to use all the features. I speak today morning with their parents. They do everything they can to help with my travel. They are looking for money for my trip.

They do all opportunity for me. But I understand that they can not collect on all money for me. And just because of that, because of a desperate situation. I ask your help!

My kitten, excuse me please, I am creating you problems. But i need your help only a little while. I will organize a trip for 4 october. It’s Friday.

And I will come to you in 14 days. The cost of the trip in 1470 euros I paid 1100 euros, and I need another 370 euros to pay for your entire tour price. I need your help.

Today I was trying to find the money. But all my efforts were not effective. I asked for help from relatives and parents. But they said they could not help me.

Before traveling to Moscow they has helped me. But it was not enough. I’m sorry that because of a problems, I have to tell you about it. To fly to thee, i need 370euro, but what I do now?!

I am sending you a copy of my documents, because I understand that this is a large sum of money. Please tell me please, what do you do in this situation.

But I hope that the plans for our meeting have not changed. And I just want one that you was next to me, and to look into your eyes. And if we overcome obstacle, we will meet.

I hope that very soon we’ll be together.

Please write to me as soon as possible. I’ll be waiting!

Your kitty, Lyuba

22 thoughts on “Lyuba: last chapter

  1. Anonymous says:

    OMG! “Misery” comes to mind…with a twist of nightmarish surrealism…topped with fluffy kitten cream and a cherry on top


  2. Nestie! My publisher has me in deadlines all day and I was just going to glimpse at your blog and get back to my dreary life – but no, from the first moment of your ponderings upon your beloved Lyuba, I had to keep reading. I was mesmerised. It was like watching a train wreck – but with a touch of faraway romance, You know, like Cinderella was the victim of the train wreck and now the police are talking to the mice and the pumpkins to see if anyone can track down if she really “was” from Moscow like her telepathic T1732 in moustache & sunglasses had duly reported. Alas, I have to leave now but your replies were brill and hugely entertaining. Thanks for the smile for the day and long live Lyuba! 🙂


    • I am sincerely sorry for holding up your writing process. Please invite your publisher to review this correspondence to understand that you had no choice.

      I may steal your idea for a fairy tale, sounds like it could be a huge hit.

      Happy to make you laugh, thanks for visiting!


  3. Poor Lyuba… I’m SHOCKED that she will miss out on her 15 day vacation, only being short 370 euros. That’s over $500 US… maybe she should stay at cheaper hotels? How can you call her if she is galavanting to Moscow every other day? Oh well maybe she’ll find a robot of her own to love… you never did tell her you were married did you?


    • Everybody needs a robot to love. I heard it in a song at some point.

      I also feel sorry for Lyuba, but maybe if she spent less money on culinary fights she’d have been able to save up for a plane ticket to “my country”.


  4. “Mom knows you’re older me, and it is positive to treat this.”—Sounds like Lyuba has discovered the fountain of youth. She should be sending YOU money. With that knowledge, she’ll be rich!


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