So I’ve been married for two whole months now!
Hold your applause.
While it’s amazing that we have made it this far without issues, I did learn a thing or two about wearing rings.
Or three things, as the title states. Here they are:
1. Gold scratches way too easily
I’ve spent my whole life under the impression that gold was, you know, tough. I’m not sure how I arrived at that conclusion. I guess I figured that since gold was expensive it had to be strong.
But…there’s a reason Robocop wasn’t made of gold. Neither was Iron Man (hint: Iron Man was made of iron).
Our rings are made of white gold, because we’re such rebels. The first day after the wedding I woke up to discover my ring had a scratch on it. It was no longer smooth and polished. I was just about to run back to the jeweler and accuse her of all sorts of things, when my wife told me this was normal. Gold just scratches easily like that.
After the customary crying session, during which my wife comforted me and told me everything was going to be OK, I came to terms with this new fact.
As of today my ring has exactly 117 scratches (I’m not counting or anything) and looks like it was battling Wolverine. Granted, the most boring superhero fight of the century.
I no longer cry about it, because I’m a man, and men only cry about ring scratches once.
You think this is tough? Just wait til you scratch an earring.
2. Ring fit is seasonal
We sized our rings in July. At that point my ring fit snugly and I had to put in some effort to take it off.
Now it’s October and the ring constantly wobbles around my finger. I feel like I can lose it to a mild breeze if I’m not careful. I am careful, of course, so I spend most of my waking hours huddled over the ring and chanting “I won’t let them take my preciousss!”
Turns out our fingers swell up when it’s summer, because hot air produces tiny bacteria that rush to our fingers to sunbathe. I don’t know how this works, I’m not a scientist. When it’s winter, our fingers shrink, because they’re scared of the dark.
This means that for a good chunk of the year you have to live with a ring that does hula-hoops around your finger. Who knew? Apart from everyone who isn’t me, that is.
For the sake of your sanity, never Google “hula hoop”.
3. I have mutant fingers
I always assumed I had a relatively normal body. I have legs, ears, elbows. I even have a belly button. So it came as a surprise when I discovered that my fingers are mutants.
My knuckles are way larger than the rest of my fingers. This isn’t too visible, but becomes abundantly clear when I try to put on a ring. The ring slides smoothly down to my knuckle, but then struggles to squeeze over it, like Hulk Hogan fighting his way into a set of child pyjamas.
Another downside of this is that my ring, while just about fitting over my knuckle, is too loose when it sits on the finger. It looks like Amazon may have a solution for me.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in my life I am actually considering a product with the word “Snuggies” in it. I am so ashamed.
***
For more mundane things I’ve turned into lists, see:
Nest Expressed 
Ring Snuggies? I’m thinking something like rings suspenders (like pants suspenders, but for a ring) would be even more effective.
Personally, my wife and I stopped wearing the rings – what if it’s summer and we go to a lake or a pool and the ring just slides off and we lose it? Because if you swim for a really long time, the bacteria reconsider the sunbathing and get back inside.
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Ring suspenders? Genius! Patent pending as of right now. Ring belts? Ring glue?
And you’re right, there are way too many risks involved in wearing a wedding ring. One is better off locking it in the basement somewhere and only taking it out once ever 25 years to bask in its unscratched glory.
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You got married??? Congratulations!!! 😀 You should have posted a photo of your ring haha. As usual, very funny post. I hope you feel better about the scratches now (you should be used to it by now, right? 😉 )
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Thanks a lot! But what if the photo I posted would get scratched? How would I live through that kind of trauma?!
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I’m with you on ring-fit being seasonal (there’s something wrong with that statement, but hey!). A couple of weeks ago, on a cold evening, I was shaking excess water from my hands, before putting them under the hand-drier, when my ring flew off and pinged across the gents’ toilet. Could have been worse, I suppose; it could have landed in the urinal.
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Ha, the daily struggles of the married life. I shall be most careful during winter months. Winter is coming.
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Just wait til you lose the ring…think you cried over a scratch? My husband lost his once and found it (weight loss does amazing things for ring fit) and then lost it a second time permanently. For women, having babies can greatly change the way the ring fits – as in, it doesn’t, it won’t and may never again. At this point, me and my husband both wear rings that are not the ones we exchanged on our wedding day, if we wear one at all. Turns out that rings don’t make you married and don’t keep you married. Yes, they are nice symbols of matrimony, but more importantly, if you plan to keep it on your finger, don’t lose any weight 😉
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Oh the fun times that await us! So, basically, I should not get attached to my ring at all? I may as well sell it on eBay now while I can still make money off it!
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Exactly 😉
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Hi! I’ve missed you and your darn blog that makes me snort and cackle. This line had me going good “like Hulk Hogan fighting his way into a set of child pyjamas”
I am not fond of rings. They creep me out when I feel like I can’t get them off. I’ve literally started panicking over this and have had to talk myself down. Much like the few times I’ve gotten stuck in a shirt. Pure chaos. I’m think I will have to wedding a wedding bracelet, rather than ring if I ever manage to trick some schmuck into marrying me. And I definitely now know not to buy a gold bracelet, thanks to you. I’m thinking braiding one out of cat hair?
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Cat hair, yeah! You’ll win the creativity award for sure.
Haven’t heard from you in a while (then again, I’ve been awful about visiting and commenting myself).
Yeah, I also don’t like the idea of getting stuck in a ring, but thankfully it doesn’t seem to be an issue for me, as you can hear!
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The snuggies may not fit– depending on the mm of your ring. They’re for the tapered side of most rings, so most have a stretch of only 2 or 3 mm to even snap on. Most mens rings are 5+, so I’m not sure… maybe go to your local CVS-like pharmacy and read the ones they have there? So you can make sure the one you buy fits?
You can also have your jeweler put cleats on your ring, on the inside. Just little gold dots that’ll keep it from spinning– if it’s not too overly large.
But yep, gold scratches. You can polish it up, though– which is fun. It makes it look like new!
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Wow, someone’s an expert on rings. Also you. You are an expert on rings!
Thanks for the tips…not sure what kind of solutions they have for ring snuggies here in Denmark, so I’m guessing Amazon and the like are still my only options.
Thanks for the tips!
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Sometimes Jeff and I will go out together and not wear our rings. It makes us feel all racy and stuff.
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You guys like living life on the edge, huh?!
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“My knuckles are way larger than the rest of my fingers.”—Perhaps you’re a simian?…
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How DARE you?! Oh wait!
I think it’s the extent of “larger” that’s key here.
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Whatever you say, monkey boy.
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Careful, I am not above throwing feces at people!
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117 scratches and counting… haha. Don’t worry, the frosty appearance is pretty cool. 🙂
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That’s right, the rugged look is badass!
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