Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your hats. Also, stop wearing hats indoors—it’s tacky and entirely unnecessary.
It’s December, so you all know what that means. It’s time for the traditional, quarterly search term roulette. I collect all sorts of wacky search terms that land people on my blog. Then I share them with you, for no other reason than to mock people. I have a dark soul and zero shame.
1. TV is zombies
That is a pretty shrewd observation. Most TVs are just waiting for you to drop your guard so they can drink your blood and remain immortal. No, wait, that makes them vampires. Did you say “zombies”? Don’t be ridiculous!
2. Why do I get blue screen when watching porn?
Absentminded cameraman who’s fascinated with clouds? You’re watching smurf porn? All of the above?
3. Can you spray hairspray on an attacker?
Only if he’s ready to look fabulous!
4. Mature mom brushing her teeth
So…is this a fetish thing? I’m not judging. All those bristles, gently touching the enamel, making it cleaner and cleaner…yeah OK, I don’t get it.
5. Why do men take women’s glasses off?
This is a natural reflex leftover from the old days—back when men used this trick to disorient women and escape their rampage by hiding inside makeshift nests. I’m not too big on history, but I’m pretty sure that’s accurate.
6. Virus with no Internet access
Probably rabies. Could be ebola too, though. Ebola’s really getting into this “Amish” thing lately.
7. Why would a guy wear sunglasses to a date?
That jerk! What next?! Is he going to put on a cap to shield his head from the sun, or something? Men these days have no respect.
Yeah, the blog often gets this reaction from people. I’m working on it.
10. Penis shaped submarines
When the world’s navies troll each other, it’s the tax payers that pay the price.
11. Stupid things for kids to do with a treadmill
At least seven of those can be discovered by simply bringing a few kids into a gym.
12. Is someone post RIP on Facebook should I sorry for you lost?
With that grammar not probably is more best.
13. Dog expressed on me
I don’t think you know how words work.
14. Best reply when a girl replies hehe
Take off her glasses, then put on your sunglasses. No words necessary.
15. Why actresses love young boys?
They need the boys’ innocent souls to feed their own relentless hunger for money and fame. If only you consulted authoritative news sources like the Daily Mail and Fox News, you wouldn’t ask such uninformed questions.
16. Thanks to tell if it’s our baby doll is haunted
Goodbye to you and sorry for you lost.
17. Lawyer in clothes
I like how you felt the need to specify the “in clothes” part of that search. I shudder at the thought of what you’ve come across before using that search phrase.
18. List argument for and against pursuing
For: high-speed chase sequence, get to shoot gun at tires, action!
Against: hit fruit cart with car bumper, get expensive traffic ticket, poverty!
19. Ideas to stop people walking into glass doors
To stop them walking into glass doors? Why would you want to ruin a beautiful, beautiful thing?
20. Man with glasses fact
OK here’s one: He has more hinges on his face than most other people.
21. Rally shoelace
I won’t be surprised if that’s the name of the next Pixar movie, the way things are going.
22. What is the scope called that they use to look in your nose?
Nose-a-lookie? If it’s not, it really should be!
23. Your very sexy responses
Are just a small part of what makes me so awesome.
24. Giving thanks to eBay
More commonly known as Black Friday.
25. Idian bodo fucking Google
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Mainly because I don’t know what “it” is, in this case.