Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your hats. Also, stop wearing hats indoors—it’s tacky and entirely unnecessary.
It’s December, so you all know what that means. It’s time for the traditional, quarterly search term roulette. I collect all sorts of wacky search terms that land people on my blog. Then I share them with you, for no other reason than to mock people. I have a dark soul and zero shame.
1. TV is zombies
That is a pretty shrewd observation. Most TVs are just waiting for you to drop your guard so they can drink your blood and remain immortal. No, wait, that makes them vampires. Did you say “zombies”? Don’t be ridiculous!
2. Why do I get blue screen when watching porn?
Absentminded cameraman who’s fascinated with clouds? You’re watching smurf porn? All of the above?
3. Can you spray hairspray on an attacker?
Only if he’s ready to look fabulous!
4. Mature mom brushing her teeth
So…is this a fetish thing? I’m not judging. All those bristles, gently touching the enamel, making it cleaner and cleaner…yeah OK, I don’t get it.
5. Why do men take women’s glasses off?
This is a natural reflex leftover from the old days—back when men used this trick to disorient women and escape their rampage by hiding inside makeshift nests. I’m not too big on history, but I’m pretty sure that’s accurate.
6. Virus with no Internet access
Probably rabies. Could be ebola too, though. Ebola’s really getting into this “Amish” thing lately.
7. Why would a guy wear sunglasses to a date?
That jerk! What next?! Is he going to put on a cap to shield his head from the sun, or something? Men these days have no respect.
8. Aaaaah
Yeah, the blog often gets this reaction from people. I’m working on it.
9. Sex+for+man+with+glasses
Logic+error+impossible+concept+try+again
10. Penis shaped submarines
When the world’s navies troll each other, it’s the tax payers that pay the price.
11. Stupid things for kids to do with a treadmill
At least seven of those can be discovered by simply bringing a few kids into a gym.
12. Is someone post RIP on Facebook should I sorry for you lost?
With that grammar not probably is more best.
13. Dog expressed on me
I don’t think you know how words work.
14. Best reply when a girl replies hehe
Take off her glasses, then put on your sunglasses. No words necessary.
15. Why actresses love young boys?
They need the boys’ innocent souls to feed their own relentless hunger for money and fame. If only you consulted authoritative news sources like the Daily Mail and Fox News, you wouldn’t ask such uninformed questions.
16. Thanks to tell if it’s our baby doll is haunted
Goodbye to you and sorry for you lost.
17. Lawyer in clothes
I like how you felt the need to specify the “in clothes” part of that search. I shudder at the thought of what you’ve come across before using that search phrase.
18. List argument for and against pursuing
For: high-speed chase sequence, get to shoot gun at tires, action!
Against: hit fruit cart with car bumper, get expensive traffic ticket, poverty!
19. Ideas to stop people walking into glass doors
To stop them walking into glass doors? Why would you want to ruin a beautiful, beautiful thing?
20. Man with glasses fact
OK here’s one: He has more hinges on his face than most other people.
21. Rally shoelace
I won’t be surprised if that’s the name of the next Pixar movie, the way things are going.
22. What is the scope called that they use to look in your nose?
Nose-a-lookie? If it’s not, it really should be!
23. Your very sexy responses
Are just a small part of what makes me so awesome.
24. Giving thanks to eBay
More commonly known as Black Friday.
25. Idian bodo fucking Google
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Mainly because I don’t know what “it” is, in this case.
Nest Expressed 
I’m having word search envy!
Jeff walked into a glass door just last week. I wished I had filmed it because it was funny. I tried not to laugh though since it was highly embarrassing for him… but I laughed inwardly. The glass was fine, Jeff might have suffered a mild concussion.
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Ouch! I walked into a glass door in front of 100 people at a university party once. I even wrote about it in the “Memory Lane” series. So I know all about it.
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Memory Lane series? Here on your blog? I’ll look for it!
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Where do you find these crazy things?? I love the mature woman brushing teeth fetish. And can I ask, if I had a submarine-shaped penis would I achieve more depth??
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Correction: how do people come up with these crazy things?!
Your submarine-shaped penis will only help you if you put on your sunglasses!
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I admit that I want to know which orifice that dog “expression” came from. For reasons I can’t fathom, “public shitting” is a fairly regular search term on my blog.
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I know why. I remember that traumatising post with the video of the girl on the bench. You know what you did!
Dogs express in so many ways. They truly are versatile animals.
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lol…Numbers 8, 13 and 23 are my favs! These are great…thanks for sharing!
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Happy to make you laugh!
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Thanks for the laugh.Loved number 9! One of the weirder search terms to find my blog was:”friday party on my mind joke.”
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Friday party on my mind is NO joke. They should know that. Friday party is serious business!
Glad you enjoyed the post.
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22. What is the scope called that they use to look in your nose?
Nose-a-lookie? If it’s not, it really should be!
What a great answer… now I’m curious… these poor souls ended up on your blog after typing this in to Google search? REALLY? Are they pleased they landed on your blog? Did they subscribe and follow you as a result? Which post is Google sending these people to? Where do they go to school so that we can slap their English teacher for passing these fools.
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I should name all of the things in the English language – it would make things so much easier.
Yeah, my blog must disappoint lots of people on a daily basis with its misleading comedic content. And here they were, asking serious questions about naked lawyers…
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You never know what freaky nudist lawyers are roaming around the internet these days. Better make sure they are fully clothed before hiring them.
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That’s right. You can never trust naked lawyers. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you’re arrested for indecent exposure.
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What is it with hairspray and glasses? Those seem to come up in search terms a lot for your blog. You should do a word cloud. Would be interesting to see which words you use the most. They’d probably be naughty ones…
Very funny, as always!
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Both the glasses and the hairspray are from two old guest posts. I have my guests to thank for all of the subsequent madness. If i did a word cloud it’d come out as “GLASSES men HAIRSPRAY why”
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