For this last post of 2013, I went to Etsy.com—the place that sells child-birthing dolls, crafted trinkets, and permanent psychological trauma.
I wasn’t looking for just anything, mind you. I wanted to find something related to the new year celebrations. Something I could share with my beloved audience, to remind them of these wondrous holiday times and the hopeful anticipation that accompanies the arrival of each new year.
I found it. By the unholy spirits in the twisted kingdom of earthly horrors, I found it. Please welcome, the “Baby Christmas New Year Doll.”
Sorry, I misspoke. What I meant to say was: “Please welcome, the ‘Creepy Baby Christmas New Year Prop Altered Art Doll Holiday Horror Dark Goth Fear Haunted Scary Odd Weird.'”
“Your soul tastes of strawberry!”
I’m not exactly sure what makes this a “Christmas” or “New Year” doll—but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s the dark, empty void of hopeless terror that we’ve all come to associate with the holiday season. The doll is yours for only $80 and an irreversible sacrifice of your ability to ever feel joy again (plus shipping).
If you’re not a fan of the New Year doll, you can always ask its creator for something else, like this cute abomination I like to call “Toothy Greaseface Sleep-No-More”:
“Sssshhhh. I just ate your screams, and nobody can hear you whisper!”
Or why not skip all of that, and go straight for the physical embodiment of the very concept of suffering? Like “Mouth McTerror” over here:
“I live in your nightmares. Sanity is a sweet dream.”
What I find impressive about all of these, is not the designer’s ability to maintain hand dexterity while creating cosmic horrors. No, what’s impressive is that we apparently live in an age when insane asylums grant their inmates free access to the Internet and an Etsy account.
Enjoy your newfound ability to not sleep. Happy freaking holidays, all. See you in 2014!
Nest Expressed 
Belated Happy Festivus and all that, Daniel.
Toothy Greaseface Sleep-No-More totally changes the meaning of “like taking candy from a baby.” Nobody who values their life is going after that sucker.
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And you too!
Toothy Greaseface looks like he took candy from a baby and then ate the baby.
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Those images are a tad disturbing, Daniel. Thanks for sharing.
Wishing you a successful 2014 – have a great night.
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Let it never be said that I don’t do anything for my readers! Enjoy waking up in cold sweat for weeks to come.
Likewise, good sir – may 2014 treat you well!
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Wow, who needs Chucky after seeing some of these!! I am new to reading your blog, suggested by a good friend, and look forward to exploring everything you have written here. Happy New Year!
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Yeah Chucky’s got nothing on these abominations! Happy to have you as a new reader, hope you enjoy the scribblings. Happy New Year!
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Wow, who needs creepy Cabbage Patch Dolls when you can dip farther into the depths of Hell and have these little beauties instead. I’m not so sure I’d want to hang with the people who buy these things. At least not in dark alleys…
Happy New Year, Daniel!
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I’m not so sure I understand how a person can create these and retain their sanity…or, do they?
Happy NY to you too, hope 2014 brings with it all kinds of awesome!
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Yes, I ‘liked’ the post but these are the things of my nightmares. I can’t handle Elf on the Shelf..!
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Elf On The Shelf can be instantly improved by replacing the elf with any of the above. Happy New Year!
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haha… Happy New Year to you, too!
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