As you may know, I got married five months ago.

You could say this kind of makes me an expert on all things wedding-related. You could say that, but you’d be wrong. So, you know, don’t say that.

A wedding isn’t something you just slap together in an evening. It’s an event that requires a bride, a groom, and some other things, too.

Don’t worry, I’m here to guide you through the most important ingredients of a perfect wedding. Just like my other guides, where I taught you to walk into glass doors and to fall on treadmills, this one is really just a poorly-disguised fail compilation. I am uniquely lazy and I can’t be bothered to do much about it (refer to: “lazy”).

Step 1: The Entrance

They say first impressions are like a box of chocolates: easy come, easy go. I get my sayings confused. The point is: First impressions matter. That’s why you want to make damn sure you make a memorable entrance. Case in point:

Can you see what he did wrong? Yup, he wore a bow tie. How tacky! Also, he fell while attempting to give his date a piggyback ride, in case you missed that part.

Step 2: The Ceremony

No wedding is complete without someone getting married. Some even say it’s the most important part of a wedding. I’m not here to take sides in this controversial debate. I’m only here to stress that if you’re going to get married, you want to do so while standing by the edge of a stage overlooking a body of water, and to have a clumsy best man who hasn’t mastered the concept of walking.

The opposite. I meant you want to do the opposite of literally every word I said above. I’m not very good at this.

Step 3: The Photo Shoot

After the wife is fished out of the pool and the newlyweds are newly wed, it is time for the couple to retreat for a private photo shoot. Remember: This is your chance to get creative—you’ll be boring people with your wedding pictures for years, or even generations, to come. Go crazy. Take some photos of you jumping into the air. Strike a pose. Hell, why not have a remotely operated drone film you while you’re at it?

On the other hand, why have a remotely operated drone film anything?! Whose idea was it, anyways? Was it Billy? Billy always ruins everything.

Step 4: The Dance-Off

When the happy couple returns from their photo shoot, with lots of new memories and a mild concussion, it’s time for everyone to let loose on the dance floor. Better still—let one guy let loose on behalf of everybody, while the rest of you stand around awkwardly and pretend there isn’t a man possessed by demons having an epileptic seizure right next to you.

A+ for effort, sir.

Step 5: The Wedding Cake

This is it. The cake. The Holy Grail of our existence and humanity’s proudest achievement. Wedding cakes are to weddings what cheesecakes are to cheese. (That’s probably wrong.) Bring in the cake, dudes.

Pro tip: One’s face is rarely the best way to prevent a cake—or much else—from collapsing.

Step 6: The Bouquet Toss

You all know how this goes: The bride tosses a bouquet into a group of women, who proceed to wrestle each other for the chance to grab the bouquet. The winner gets to take the flowers home and put them in a nice vase and look at them for days and days. Women sure love flowers. And face-plants. They love a good face-plant, those women.

No flowers were hurt in the filming of that video.

Step 7: The Drinking Of Drinks

A wedding takes its toll on a couple. Sometimes, alcohol is needed to remedy the situation. There’s not a problem in the world that a good gulp of Rum-n-Vodka Gins can’t fix. However, drinking’s not always easy. You need good hand-eye coordination, especially if more than a single hand is involved—then you need at least two hand-eye coordinations.

If I have done my job, you learned absolutely nothing here today. I told you I wasn’t an expert.