Most people see music videos as something to passively watch, while eating popcorn, drinking Dr Peppers, and sexting each other using Morse code on their intelligent phone apparatuses (I haven’t been out in a while). Most people are mindless consumers of music art.
Not I. When I watch a music video, I pay careful attention to the lessons that can be gleaned from it. For example, have you noticed that Michael Jackson’s videos sometimes feature a move that is akin to walking on the moon, backwards? I have!
My keen eye for detail is why I am now able to pass on some much needed dance wisdom to the masses. Below I present you with five of the most mesmerizing, tantalizing moves, that will surely make you the life of any party and the star of every disco gathering.
5. The “Fuck it”
As seen in: Atomic Rooster – Tomorrow Night.
This move is relatively simple to execute, but speaks volumes about your determined, “don’t mess with me” attitude. Here is a step-by-step guide:
- Pretend you’re holding a stack of papers in your hands.
- Now throw those papers over your head.
- Try again. Higher. Higher! Throw those papers away. You don’t need them!
If done right, it should look something like this:
4. The “Oops, I’m flying”
As seen in: David Hasselhoff – Hooked on a Feeling.
You’ll need: A self-aware, self-propelling, self-driving motorcycle and a long, black trench coat. You’re all set.
- Let your lower body soar into the sky, while holding onto your motorbike.
- Let go.
- Fly. Higher. Higher! Let that bike go. You don’t need it!
Here’s how it should look:
3. The “US flag flood”
As seen in: Whatever the hell this is.
This one involves quite a few steps, but don’t let that overwhelm you. It can certainly be done:
- Start out with your arms outstretched, pointing away from you, parallel to the ground and each other.
- Now slowly, carefully, move your arms apart, until a tiny source of light appears in your chest.
- Angels will want to pour out of this source of light. Let them. You don’t need them.
- Once the angels escape, you should see a liquefied US flag rushing toward you.
- Embrace the liquid flag flood. You’ve earned it!
2. The “I’m trapped inside a mirror with three of my clones”
As seen in: Vanessa – Upside Down.
For this move you’ll need to show up at your desired party venue a few hours in advance. Set up two mirrors at a 90 degree angle to each other. When the time comes to impress your friends with your intricate choreography, you:
- Place yourself in the corner created by the two mirrors.
- Face the mirrors.
- Look up, as if there’s a cruel, merciless God keeping you trapped here, between the mirrors, against your will.
- Smile, as if you don’t know how to accurately express your claustrophobia.
- Move tentatively from side to side.
Your friends are guaranteed to be confused and dazzled. To them, it will look like there are four of you. You will be the only one that knows who the real you is.
1. The “Help, my hands are stabbing my chest and I think they’re trying to kill me”
As seen in: Edem – Over Again.
To execute this move you’ll need to:
- Get possessed by the Devil.
The rest will take care of itself.
That’s it for now. Learn these moves, master them, then combine them into the perfect routine of your own. Most importantly, remember to have fun. These moves may look tricky and professional, but that doesn’t mean you can’t smile while performing them. Make it look easy. Others will be jealous.