Sex and toys go together like peanut butter and jelly: Some love the combo, while others think it’s an ungodly creation of a sick and twisted mind.
Regardless of where you are on the sex toy tolerance spectrum, one thing is certain: Sex toys are here to stay. They come in all shapes, sizes, and, apparently, sentience levels, as we’re about to learn.
Inventors of sex gadgets don’t sleep (ha). They’re out there, inventing the next big breakthrough in the world of object-assisted genital manipulation (you’re welcome for your now-permanently-reduced sex drive).
However, just because new sex inventions abound, doesn’t meant they’re always a good idea. In fact, here are a few that take “awkward” to new, unprecedented levels.
4. “True Love” bra
Your eyes do not deceive you: That is, in fact, a bra that is hooked up to a heart rate monitor, which is in turn hooked up to a Bluetooth app that controls the bra hooks. If that sounds unnecessarily complicated, don’t worry—it gets worse.
Ostensibly created to ward off perverts, this bra will only unhook itself if its wearer is “truly in love.” How does it do that? Well, the bra measures the wearer’s heart rate and sends the readings to a Bluetooth app. The app can supposedly distinguish between different types of accelerated heart rate, and, if the wearer is “flirting,” the bra unhooks automatically. It’s a good thing this app is smart enough to know the difference between “my heart’s beating faster because I’m excited” and “my heart’s beating faster because a creepy pervert is trying to grope me,” or “my heart’s beating faster because I am suffering from an arrhythmia attack at a bus stop.” Otherwise, I can think of a number of very awkward situations the wearers of “true love” bra may find themselves in.
That’s not all. The bra is also there to ensure that women aren’t “too hasty” in choosing their sex partners. (Yes, the makers of this product are under the impression that a closed bra will prevent people from having sex.) So there you have it, ladies: Finally, a chastity belt for your boobs, controlled by a cold, unfeeling, methodical computer program. Just like God intended.
3. Bluetooth underwear
So a Bluetooth bra is too weird for you? No problem—how about a Bluetooth-controlled, vibrating underwear? Because yes, that’s totally a thing. You place a Bluetooth massager in your underwear, install an app on your partner’s phone, and you’re well on your way to never having to touch each other again.
The app allows your partner to use pre-recorded programs—or their own voice—to control the intensity, speed, and pattern of vibrations. The future of sex is here, and it’s…aahm…it’s certainly here. Hilariously, the inventing firm claims the product “delivers pleasure—with complete discretion—anytime, anywhere.” Because nothing is more discreet than a suspiciously buzzing underwear and its ecstatic, grimacing wearer in the DMV line.
“I actually think it’s a fantastic idea,” some of you are saying, because you’re quick to embrace technology and hate being in proximity of your partners, “I love the fact that my lover can give me pleasure remotely from their office/yacht/space station.” Sorry to disappoint, but since this product is based on Bluetooth technology, its effective range is, at best, about 10 metres. So it’s less the case of a sexy phone call from across the globe, and more the case of two people stuck in the same room—one of them trying to enjoy the sexy vibrations, while the other frantically presses buttons and yells into a smartphone. Romantic!
2. KIIROO: Social platform that gets physical
Let’s for a second ignore the horror-movie vibe of that demo video, and focus on what this product does.
It allows two strangers to have almost-physical sex with each other from the comfort of their own homes. Gone are the days where cybersex involved typing “ooohs” and “aaaahs” with the fingers of one hand, while evoking those same “ooohs” and “aaaahs” with the other. Now you can use these futuristic, remotely-connected vibrators to have an immersive, potentially hands-free experience. Additionally, since these devices are possible to use with “more than one person at a time,” those virtual orgies you’ve always dreamed of are now within the realm of possibility.
Welcome to the future, where you can hump thin air in your home, knowing that simultaneously, somewhere else on the planet, thin air is humping your partner.
1. Sex with Glass
Seconds from the first announcement of Google Glass, thousands of developers scrambled to find ways to use it for sex. Their efforts bore fruit, because now we have “Sex With Glass”—an app packed full of features that nobody asked for. Inventors of the app started out by asking: “How can we make sex more awesome with Google Glass?” The answer they apparently came up with was “by strapping Google Glass to our heads and talking to it during sex.”
Among other things, the app lets you record your sex sessions. To initiate this recording, all you need to do is say “OK Glass, it’s time”—words that are already a natural part of any foreplay, if you really think about it. When you want to stop the recording, you…no, don’t be silly, you don’t just say “stop”…you say “OK Glass, pull out.” Get it? It’s clever, and in no way off-putting.
But, if the two of you are open-minded and OK with your partner wearing a futuristic recording device on their face and talking to it during sex, you’ll be deeply rewarded: “Sex With Glass” also allows you to exchange perspectives, so that you see what your partner sees. I’ll let that sink in. Yes, you can now watch yourself have sex through your partner’s eyes, which is something that even the most psychotic of narcissists should find far-fetched.
That’s still not all! Your friendly sex app can control your music and lighting, to get you in just the right mood to forget you’re having sex with robo-glasses strapped to your face. And if your partner screaming commands at their glasses is somehow not doing it for you, the app can even display “virtual Kama Sutra to anyone who needs inspiration.”
With that, enjoy your new and improved sex life. Just take care with your gestures—“accidental sharing” is surprisingly easy with Google Glass. Sending your sex tape to your grandma is only funny when it’s the plot of a teenage comedy movie.