WTF Report: “Bloody Valentine”

Ah, Valentine’s Day, when we celebrate the deaths of a bunch of Christian martyrs by buying overpriced chocolates!

Some treat their loved ones to fancy candlelit dinners, while others watch romantic comedies and sob quietly into their celebrity-shaped pillows. Most of us just shrug and go on with our lives.

Must we be so different? Is there nothing that unites us on this most corporate of days? Can a single product bring us all closer together in shared emotion? Yes, it can, and that emotion is seething hate.

Enter Etsy.com, my arch nemesis—a vile and loveless place full of birthing dolls and unfiltered terrors. What horror have you concocted for us today, Etsy?

Valentine's Heart Mitten

GAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

What in the Valentine’s salty armpit is this?!

A combo mitten that the couple shares while taking a stroll through the city? Why, you have outdone yourself this time, Etsy, you evil psychopath you!

If you think this is a cute idea, stop and think it through for a second. Not only are you sharing glorified handcuffs, but you absolutely guarantee that every single person you meet will want to murder you in the most gruesome way possible.

According to the seller, this Valentine’s mitten is “very cozy but not as cozy as the walks and smiles you will receive when people see you walking down the street.” Fuck you! I dare you and one of your suicidal friends to actually put that to the test and wear this in public. If you can go for more than two minutes before someone throws a dead squirrel at you, I’ll buy 100 of these and wear them by myself on a daily basis. When you wear this abomination, the cupid himself floats gently down from heaven and puts an arrow straight through your neck for mocking the very concepts of restraint and sanity.

There’s no way that anyone would actually purch–

Valentine's Mitten Reviews

What the?!

Valentine's Mittens Testimonials

You people are monsters! All of you!

Oh for fuck’s sake. Enjoy your stupid Valentine’s day, humanity. You are all far beyond any help I can offer.

Am I the only one here? Does anyone else think this product is an invention of the Devil himself? Can you think of worse things to give someone you love? If so, what are they?

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22 thoughts on “WTF Report: “Bloody Valentine”

  1. That is a pretty good slogan. How about “Two hearts the beat as one; our life has just begun”..never mind I think that was a bad1980’s song….I know you can think of something….

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  2. If it catches on they could make a heart shaped sweater! The sweater would have two head holes and four arm holes and target at couples who are co-dependent. After all nothing says “I love you” like two sweaty humans sharing the same hideous sweater.

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    • That’s hilarious. I think we should develop that idea further and start our own collection on Kickstarter.

      “Combo sweaters – they’re like two sweaters, but, like, merged, and stuff!”

      I’ll keep working on the slogan.

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  3. Ahaha! This is hilarious. I want to meet the folks who bought this…and then throw a dead squirrel at them. I’ll add this to my list of reasons I no longer celebrate Valentine’s Day.

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  4. I’m with you on this one… Gaggggg! I have to wonder what kind of man would actually wear that in public. I’m all for guys getting in touch with their more sensitive side, but man up with this one. Just say NO. Don’t do it.
    I can’t think of any gift ideas because I’m so traumatized by the love glove.

    BTW – I haven’t been able to “LIKE” your recent posts because the like button is “loading”. This glitch is probably on my end of the digital spectrum. I like all your posts! When the button reveals itself to me, I will hit that thing.

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  5. Just like I can’t believe there are couples who wear matching clothes, I can’t believe couples would share this love mitt. But apparently there are. The eyes don’t lie. But they do bleed a little when they see things like this.

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    • How about a couple wearing matching clothes AND this atrocity? Will the ground open up and swallow them whole? Will the very act of combining those two horrors open a vortex in the space-time fabric of our reality and destroy the universe as we know it? The answer is yes, so please don’t do it!

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  6. I actually think it would more well received if it was just one person wearing it – not with both hands, obviously, that would just be weird, but like… a half empty heart-mitten is a lot funnier than a happy couple sharing the heart-mitten, don’t you think? I kind of want to buy it and walk around town with sad music playing.

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