Learning Lounge: “Crocodiles Are Horrifying”

This is another installment of the “Learning Lounge”—a segment where I share some factual stuff, instead of just the things evil elves living inside my head whisper to me at night.

I keep all of these nuggets of wisdom to under 500 words, so you have no excuse not to learn something new.

Today’s “Learning Lounge” is all about how…

Crocodiles are horrifying

“But Daniel,” I hear you object, thanks to my well-developed powers of remote telepathy, “We already know that crocodiles are ugly, scary hell-beasts, capable of devouring us with their terror maws. There isn’t much ‘learning’ involved here at all! Dumbass!”

First of all, that’s quite rude. I may be an ass, and a bit dumb, but…what was the last thing you said?

Secondly, we have recently discovered that crocodiles are even more horrifying than previously thought. When you picture a crocodile, you probably think of a rather awkward, bulky animal, confined to his little pond, waiting for you to be stupid enough to conveniently swim into his giant mouth. There’s a good chance you didn’t know that…

Crocodiles can climb trees

If you read that headline and your breakfast is still safely contained inside your stomach, then you’re a braver person than I am, because holy crap: Crocodiles can climb trees! How’s that not already a plot of a new budget horror movie?!

Crocodile On A Branch

“Crocs In A Tree.” Coming soon to a discount DVD store near you.

According to a new study by some exceptionally ballsy scientists, certain types of crocodiles are capable of climbing “as far as four meters high in a tree and five meters down a branch.”

That’s not a skill you want a horrific bone-shredder-with-legs to possess. I don’t know about you, but I’m staying well away from parks, forests, and other tree-containing areas. But okay, a crocodile sitting in a tree isn’t automatically the biggest danger you’ll ever face. Let him sit in his tree, it’s not like he can lure you into a trap or anything. Right? RIGHT? Oh, about that:

Crocodiles lure their prey

Yup. Crocodiles use sticks and twigs to lure birds into clever traps. Kind of like Wile E. Coyote’s complex Roadrunner-catching schemes, except actually successful.

It’s only a matter of time before these monsters discover humanity’s only weakness—bacon—and use it to try and pick us off one by one. But we won’t let them take us down individually. We’ll stand united against this new threat. That’s humanity’s true advantage: strength in numbers. We are advanced, intelligent group hunters, and that’s why crocodiles will never…

Crocodiles hunt in groups

Those aren’t my words. They come directly from a scientist who studies crocodile behaviour. To be fair, he didn’t literally say “crocodiles hunt in groups.” No, his exact words were more along the lines of crocodiles having “highly coordinated group hunting tactics.”

See? Nothing ominous in those words at all. I hope you enjoy your next relaxing walk.

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17 thoughts on “Learning Lounge: “Crocodiles Are Horrifying”

  1. raeme67 says:

    Good thing my Social Anxiety Disorder has lead to a life of isolation, far away from tree climbing crocodiles with their bacon luring ways. I just hope they can’t pick locks.

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  2. All those episodes I watched with Steve Irwin, and not once did he tell me crocodiles could climb trees. Well, maybe he did, and I missed it. Snowy, Northeast Ohio is suddenly looking pretty good…

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  3. Ok..crocodiles are found in Australia right? While alligators are found in the swamps and ponds in my home town Charleston SC USA…so Mr. Nest what I want to know is can alligators climb trees and hunt in groups?

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  4. Crocodiles can climb trees and hunt in groups?
    Excuse me while I go get a BLT and give this some thought.
    There’s this new little deli down the street that supposedly makes awesome BLT’s but I haven’t heard any first word accounts yet. We’ve had a lot of disappearances lately… about the same time the deli opened up. But I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

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    • You’re right. That reminds me of a funny news story I recently read about crocodiles opening stores and delis in human cities. Not really related, but just a curious piece of knowledge!

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  5. “except actually successful…” He really was very bad at setting traps wasn’t he? Here’s to hoping crocodiles never get their hands (paws?) on any bacon…

    Side note: You’re in my reader under blogs I follow yet the last three posts have failed to show up. I give up.

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    • That has to be some sort of conspiracy. Someone’s trying to prevent us from communicating.

      I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I think it might be crocodiles. I actually spotted one near my house the other…OH HOLY FUCK, HE’S RIGHT ABOVE ME, CALL FOR H………

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