It’s spring, so it’s time for the quarterly search term roulette.
Standing on the shoulders of the search term roulettes that came before it, this episode embraces everything that’s beautiful about the Internet in general, and Google in particular.
Below are some search terms that people used to find my blog, along with my commentary.
1. Fucking guide to Vietnam
Is this what I think it is? Are you looking for a guide to walk you through the different brothels of Vietnam and how best to bargain with prostitutes? A Horny Planet, if you will? (No, I’m not sorry for that joke, thanks for asking.) Or is this just you going through a Googling crisis? “Guide to Vietnam, please. Nope, that’s not it. Vietnam guide. This is wrong, too. Damnit, I just need a fucking guide to Vietnam, OK?!”
2. Suffer awkward new sex
This sounds like an especially evil gypsy curse.
3. “Your backpack” in a considerate manner
Is “your backpack” somehow inconsiderate? “Sir, your backpack is falling! Oh my, how rude of me! Sorry. I meant the wonderful strap-equipped bag your are wearing on your magnificent shoulders is in danger of sliding down to the ground. Please forgive me.”
4. Work nights sleep days neighbours keep drilling
Neighbour sucks life is hard no time for punctuation marks
5. I’m not sure who farted
I don’t like what you’re implying. I wasn’t even there, dude!
6. Mom expression when birthing
Oh fucking hell, Internet. Is this a fetish now, too?!
7. All I like is cats food and wigs so piss off
Those are two very specific likes. I’m happy your life is so simple. I’d love to see this person on a first date.
“I enjoy long walks on the beach, candle-lit dinners, music by Vivaldi, that kind of stuff. What are you into?”
“I’m really more into cat food and wigs, so how about you piss off?!”
9. How to live live with aphysco?
Are you repeating repeating too many words words? You may may have the Aphysco—a terrible terrible ailment. Learn learn how to live with Aphysco today today!
10. Playing angry birds upside down
Challenge accepted! This is eas…whoa, OK, I may need to go lie down.
11. You are homo
That is factually inaccurate, but I appreciate the sentiment.
12. Self defence neck tool
A neck tool? For self defence? That sounds stupid. Something like a neck brace that shoots poison darts? Or a collar that fires a laser beam? Or a scarf that transforms into a giant rubber fist and punches criminals right in the face? Actually, I take my “stupid” comment back. These all sound awesome!
13. Gay donkey
Is the happiest ass on the planet!
14. Happier than a clam’s ass
Yes. Even happier than that!
15. Speech bubble saying is the boss
That’s just silly. A speech bubble is a speech bubble, it’s not the boss of anything. Don’t believe a single word it says.
16. That’s how I roll walk into glass door
You and me both, buddy, you and me both.
17. Does it help to turn face upside down?
That depends. Help what? Help with winning the “Upside Down Face Championships”? Yes. Help with not looking like a total whack job? Probably not so much.
18. How to reply to I love you in a sexy way?
“I love you too, sexy pants”? “I sexy you the love sex as well, sexy”? “I sex your sex”? Man, I’m hopeless at this.
19. Guy now wears glasses
Yeah, that guy. What’s his deal, anyway?
20. Seductive texts what ill do to you
Ill does many things to a person.
21. Three thing in a wedding
Lettuce. Carrot juice. Cardboard. My wedding was horrible.
22. Text your man a sexy text
Don’t you tell me what to do!
23. Nude on sofa in blue by backhouse
Nude On Sofa In Blue, by Backhouse:
“As the timid moon was peeking shyly from behind the clouds, I stood by the front door of my house. Then, reaching slowly into my pocket, I took out a key—the one that opened the front door of my house. Because that’s what I wanted to do: to open the front door. Of my house. So that’s what I did. Then I walked inside. There, I saw her—hiding in the deep shadows of the living room. On the sofa. Nude, and yet somehow still managing to wear blue…”
Read the rest on Amazon.
24. Achieve immortality with biokinesis
You had me at “achieve immortality,” but now that you’re bringing biokinesis into this, I’m starting to think it’s some kind of a scam.
25. What if the glass cracks on nest?
Then you pick the steel on the town, then build a pork of the dream. What the hell are we talking about?!