For those who don’t know, Copenhagen just hosted Europe’s annual mediocre-pop-songs event, called the Eurovision. Dozens of contestants took turns performing their instantly forgettable songs, until one emerged victorious.
This year’s winner—Conchita Wurst—had a strong voice and put on a powerful performance, which is more than can be said for many previous winners. There was, however, one problem: The winner was a he dressed like a she. I know, I know, unimaginable! But that’s not all. While the Eurovision contest previously had its share of drag queens, this one had a distinguishing feature. Conchita Wurst—you better be sitting down—had a beard. A beard! A hairy face-hugger. A “jungle of the lower face,” as I’m sure nobody calls it.
I’ll give you space to get over your initial outrage and let you punch a few kittens to calm down. Rest assured: You’re not alone in your righteous indignation. Hateful reactions to Conchita’s victory ranged from:
To:
Grammer Hulk Be The Mad!
All the way to:
A perfectly proportionate response.
As you can see, YouTube commenters grabbed the concept of “beauty is on the inside” and then cracked its skull open against the wall of “missing the point.”
While people are busy expressing their rage in a multitude of different ways, I’d like to offer a list of 10 things I find more shocking than a bearded gay man (in a dress) winning a song contest.
10. That Hollywood keeps rebooting the same superhero origin story over and over again, yet we still pay money to watch Peter Parker get bitten by a radioactive spider for the 17th time.
9. A taser. Bazinga!
8. That this humanoid ball of concentrated hatred has over 3 million views on YouTube. More now, thanks to me.
7. That a rabbit can lie perfectly still in a sink full of hot water. That’s adorable as fuck (even though many comments are pointing out the dangers of doing that).
6. That the NSA can monitor all my online activity and [REDACTED] at any point to [REDACTED] with the naked [REDACTED] salami.
5. That somebody thought carrot-orange ice cream was a good idea.
4. That people enjoy curling.
3. That Etsy.com is thriving despite the many horrors lurking there.
2. That up to one in two LGBT people experience workplace discrimination because of their sexual orientation.
1. That in the year 2014 some people still consider it an almost-personal insult when a guy chooses to express himself through an artistic image that doesn’t conform to their definition of normality.
Chill the hell out. Stop freaking out over shit that doesn’t have an iota of impact on your personal life. Aim your anger at some real issues, like Jenny McCarthy indirectly murdering people by spreading her fucktastically idiotic views on vaccines.
Hatefully bashing people over their sexual orientation and artistic choices doesn’t elevate you to some higher plane of existence. Quite the opposite. If I have to choose between being a raging homophobe and finding a dress that matches my beard, I’ll take the dress, thanks.
Nest Expressed 
I agree that there are far more outrageous things to be concerned about than personal expression.
I have my own opinions about autism, because I do believe there is a relationship between the rise in autism and the poisoning of our environment and food supply; although I base that on nothing but my opinion – and I don’t have a public platform and rarely even talk about it.
I know it is not exactly the same as human vaccinations, but one of my dogs almost died 3 weeks to the day after each vaccination she received before I put two and two together (kept her medical records and matched them to my daily calendar). Each time the vet saved her life. I no longer give her vaccinations. I don’t advocate that people stop vaccinations, but I do question the safety of how they are given.
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I think healthy skepticism is always good to have. I just tend to rely on scientific, widely proven data. So when celebrities, using their status and audience, speak out against what overwhelming data shows to be true, I think they’re doing a huge disservice to the world. In some cases, they’re quite measurably contributing to spread of health issues, etc.
But hey—maybe if everyone had a beard the world would be a better place? I think I’ll start a movement based on that!
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OK. I bit. I saw a video by that redheaded guy who screams. This is what technology has brought us.
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Amen.The wonders of the Internet allow us to experience hateful people like never before.
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I enjoyed your links (well, except for number 8–yikes! And Jenny McCarthy–yikes!) But curling has its moments. I tried it one time, and it was pretty fun, and harder than it looks. Any sport that regularly features standing around and drinking beer can’t be all bad.
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Yeah the number 8 guy is truly a source of joy and peace!
As for curling…maybe I shouldn’t knock it until I try it, but competitive mopping just doesn’t immediately appeal to me. Although the “standing around” and the “drinking” parts certainly have their charms!
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I love this list, because I agree with all of it. And people’s ignorant rage about a this issue makes me all sad-faced, then pissed off. Hitler, really??
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Yeah it’s a bit scary to find out how hateful some people are…if only Hitler was around…wait, what?
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Yes! And really Conchita wasn’t doing anything much different than Boy George did in the 80s.
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Touche!
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Amen to all that. And on top, I’m shocked that people aren’t shocked that the West Antarctic Ice Sheet is melting way faster than anyone predicted. Gah.
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Right?! Ice melting is somehow abstract, but beards? Beards are, like, right there!
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I love how you put this in its proper perspective.
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I try!
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Obviously, these haters have never seen a painting of King Louis XIV. I can’t say I’m a huge fan of the winning song, but that’s generally how I feel about Eurovision winners.
And I’m pretty sure Etsy is just a cool place for witches and warlocks to hang out.
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I agree, his song wasn’t my favourite (or not even in my top 3) either. And in general I’ve never considered Eurovision a serious contest. But for a dude with a beard to cause such outrage. Wow.
Etsy is the best place for serial killers to find an alternative outlet for their madness!
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I haven’t even finished reading yet as I am still watching the video from 8. What a fucking moron!
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I’m back and in addition to saying that once again, you are SO right about your conclusions, I have to ask, how do you find the time to read and view all this stuff man?!
Or maybe I’m wasting my time reading/watching completely useless crap…? Yes, I think that must be it.
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Actually most of this shit is just something I stumble across by accident while wasting my time on the Internet. (I’m a pro at this time-wasting thing).
Thanks for dropping by, dude.
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Always a pleasure man. It would be more frequent but my WP reader/following gizmo is just pants. I usually come via the link I’ve put up on my site.
Am slowly starting to think about writing something new so will be in touch.
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That lad from the deep south sounded like a cerebral type!! I think I recognized him from Mississippi Burning, spewing insults at Gene Hackman!
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Ha, spot on!
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A man wearing a dress, who cares? But a beard? Now I am offended!!
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I know, right?! What next—a hat of some sort?! Or a monocle?!
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It takes some ginormous balls to be a drag queen with a beard!! Hells to the yea. Keepin it real!
Hugs!
Valerie
P. S. This is not about beard envy.
P. S. S. Ok. Maybe a little.
P. S. S. S. A lot.
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Ha, well said indeed!
P.S. I totally get it.
P.S.S No I don’t.
P.S.S. Cuz I already have a beard, you see.
P.S.S.S. Who am I kidding?! My beard will never be as bushy!
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That rabbit video was so cute!
I love Conchita Wurst- his song was amazing. And with that dress on and his beautiful makeup, who can forget him?
The internet tells us just how much hatred is still rampant all across the globe.
Thanks for another insightful and funny post. A rare talent you have… and you make it look easy.
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Yeah I still don’t get how they got that rabbit to enjoy bathing like that!
I must admit Conchita’s song wasn’t my favourite of the bunch, but my favourites rarely win anyways. But you can’t deny the voice and the show.
As for the hatred…well, that’s what YouTube is for nowadays.
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You had me at Jenny McCarthy and the harm she’s done to the vaccine world. I had to deal with her fall-out on a daily basis in my clinical life. It was exhausting.
As for the winner–you’re right; people need to chill out. There are far more important things to worry about. In fact, I’d call this a brilliant PR move on the singer’s part. And his figure? Impressive! Not to mention his deltoids. Wowsa.
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Poor you. Worse is the fact that people get huge platforms for voicing wrong opinions. That’s outright irresponsible.
I know, right? I’m jealous of the beard, you’re jealous of the deltoids, we should both be jealous of the voice.
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“we should both be jealous of the voice”—Haha, true. Funny that neither of us went there.
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