Hey, so remember Yanukovych? The exiled president of Ukraine? The man who, according to some sources, had robbed Ukraine of about $100 billion? The man who had used the stolen money to build himself an extravagant mansion full of ridiculous, over-the-top souvenirs—like the literal two-kilogram golden loaf of bread?
But Yanukovych isn’t all about stealing money and spending it on bizarre, tasteless crap. Some of that bizarre crap is actually quite tasteful. Some may even call it “art.” I’m not one of those “some,” but you know who is? Yanukovych. It turns out he’s got a keen eye for portraits. Not just any portraits, mind you. Yanukovych is a connoisseur of a very specific artistic style: Yanukovychism.
You see, among the mountains of head-scratching discoveries in his mansion were a series of portraits. All of them feature Yanukovych in various inexplicable situations that defy the laws of logic and sanity. All of them are designed to elicit gasps of admiration, whistles of appreciation, and cries of “What the dickless Devil is this?” Behold:
“Hey, look what I found!”
Oh look at that! It’s Yanukovych using Ukraine to pump iron. It’s just like real life, except in real life he used the country to pump billions of dollars into his offshore bank accounts, but, you know, think of it as a delectable metaphor. You may call this portrait narcissistic, but if you truly think about it, it’s actually quite…oh what the hell, yes—this is the height of narcissism. Next:
“There! There goes unstolen money! Take it!”
This picture perfectly captures the resilience and valour of a man who had courageously sent waves of armed police against the Maidan protesters and then fled the country when things got out of hand. Beautiful.
Now, I must give you fair warning: There’s nothing I can say to adequately prepare you for what comes next.
You have a choice to close the browser, turn off your computer, and back away from it slowly, having never experienced the mind-shattering horror of the picture below.
Go.
No, really…it’s about to get insane up in here.
Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Because I did.
I warned you, but you haven’t listened.
And that’s why you now have to face the inevitable.
This one’s on your conscience:
“Draw me like one of your French girls…”
I fucking warned you! Stop screaming! Don’t claw at your eyes! You only have yourself to blame!
I tried to write a thorough commentary to this picture, but all that came out were ear-piercing screams of unfiltered terror and streams of unstoppable tears. Instead, I’ll just leave you to ponder your mistakes and whether life still has any meaning.
Fun fact: Yes, I did have to Google the phrase “Yanukovych naked” when researching this article. Let’s hope no potential future employers ever get a hold of my search history, ever.
Nest Expressed 
What I’ve learned; Yanuchovych’s one-eyed snake shares the direction and intensity of his master’s own gaze, the leader’s left forearm is boneless, but luckily for him, he can still use his right hand to tentatively fondle his own balls.
Thank you for feeding my nightmares.
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You have put it more poetically and beautifully than any of us could ever hope to do. Now that’s true art. That, and Yanukovych’s penis, apparently.
You’re more than welcome!
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WTF!
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Indeed!
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You warned me, but did I listen? Now,if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go wash my eyes out with bleach.
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Bleach won’t help you now. The memory will haunt you forever. All because you didn’t listen!
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Erm.. so I am torn between feeling shocked and repulsed. Maybe I’ll take a bit of both. On the flip side, your writing style makes up for the horror evoked by the pictures. So, I guess it’s a win at the end of the day 🙂
Popping over from YeahWrite Moonshine.
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I’m happy my writing style helped you get over the terror-image that is now forever embedded in your memory. Thanks for dropping by!
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How funny – thanks for sharing (although its put me off my breakfast!!). Writing wise, I liked the way you built up towards “the big reveal.”
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You’re welcome, I guess. Hopefully your eyes will stop burning soon after this! Glad you enjoyed the suspense!
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He is admittedly attractive.
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Can’t argue with facts! Maybe he should have been a stripper?
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Oh my. He’s a narcissist and an idiot. It looks like he’s playing with himself and you know the only question I have is… Is that the best you’ve got?
Let’s face it. We all do the touch and go but we do it in private or on tube eight.
You warned me but I had to scroll, I just had to do it. And now my eyes are burning. The pain, oh the pain!
(This is freaking hilarious by the way!!!)
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This one’s fully on you!
So not only is he a narcissist, he’s also an exhibitionist to boot. If only he had something more to offer the painter. (Side note: I hope that painter got a lot of money. He’ll need some serious therapy after this).
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That painter is probably fully blind by now. And has post traumatic stress disorder. The horror!
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Awww poor fellow has a tiny dick… maybe that’s why he’s such a ‘dick’ head.
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Touche!
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Thanks to the WordPress and Facebook gods, that last picture was the one that came up with your FB post of this entry, so I had no choice not to look at it. I opened FB, strolled through my timeline, and hello! There it was. Staring right at me. Right before dinner. So, yeah, thanks for that… (But thanks to you, my search history may no longer be the scariest writer’s search history around!)
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Damn Facebook, ruining my perfectly built-up suspense.
And yeah, you’re welcome. Although I guess you can thank Yanukovych directly for all the time and penis he’s invested in this picture.
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Hahaha, I’ll do that. In fact, I think I saw someone hiding in my basement with a trail of clothes behind him…
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