I’ve been accused of picking on Etsy before. People have even called me obsessed. I wouldn’t be the last to admit that these people aren’t never not incorrect in saying that. Today, I want to make up for my lack of objectivity. It’s easy to make fun of horrifying dolls, but it’s another thing entirely to offer a balanced review.
That’s why, this morning, I ordered a number of Etsy items—some for me, some for our cats, and a something for my wife. They immediately shipped the items to me via experimental Amazon drones. Below you find my no-nonsense reviews of these products, focusing on both the pros and the cons.
Let it never again be said that I’m not thorough or objective:
5. Cat goggles (and jumper)
Pros: Jumper exceedingly soft. Rubbed it all over my face. So smooth. Silky. Like a snowflake baked inside the dream of an angel. Wore it. Comfortable. Too bad it’s for cats.
Cons: Nearly impossible to put on a cat. Lots of scratches on hands, arms, and face. Cats refuse to wear goggles for prolonged periods of time. Or at all. Eventually managed to attach the goggles semi-permanently to Django, using a clever combination of duct tape and disregard for own life.
4. Cat resting place
Pros: Nice resting place for cats. Looks a lot like a regular human pillow.
Cons: Words “The Cat” horribly misspelled.
3. Metal tag for labeling severed fingers
Pros: Convenient, almost-invisible tag, making the labeling and sorting of your severed human fingers collection a breeze.
Cons: IMPORTANT: Severed human fingers are not included! Audaciously misleading advertising.
2. Severed fingers
Pros: More than makes up for lack of severed fingers above. Fits nicely into my already extensive collection.
Cons: Names, dates of birth, or other victim data not provided. Suspect the fingers may actually be fake.
1. “What’s For Dinner?” planner
Pros: Great joke fodder. Gave it to the wife. Said: “Now you can focus on making the dinner, instead of planning for it.” Then I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Cons: Extremely difficult to find a cheap and reliable divorce lawyer in my area.
Nest Expressed 
I could probably benefit from the What to Plan for Dinner chalkboard. Not sure if BBQ Severed Finger Sandwiches would be better on a Monday or Tuesday…
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I find severed fingers are best when you first marinate them for 48 hours. Gets rid of all that chewiness.
Uh…I mean, theoretically, of course.
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I would love to try out some of those cat googles! Great post! Hilarious!
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Those cat goggles have “hipster cat” written all over them. So stylish!
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Haha. Hahaha. You gave that to your wife? Brave man.
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Well, most of the above didn’t actually happen. Except my served fingers collection. That’s totally a thing.
But then again, I’m not above actually buying something like this.
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I gives this two thumbs up! 😉
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That’s twice as a good as one thumb up!
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Okay- severed fingers without documentation is just wrong. Wrong!
Glad to see you being objective about these products. 🙂
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I do try to stay professional and neutral!
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Ok I love this! Awesome job!!
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I knew you’d share my passion for severed fingers. Thank you!
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Your wife plans the meals you will cook! … well I’m NOT telling my husband about that, he plans AND cooks the meals… and I eat and PRAISE his cooking every day and do the dishes.
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Well actually things here at home are completely reversed. My wife’s the main chef, I can at best assist with the chopping of vegetables and such. I do clean the hell out of those dishes, though.
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Haha, loved #1. If my family gave me grief about dinner like that, I’d be serving them severed fingers. Pass the salt, please…
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And we all know just where you could buy said severed fingers…
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