Search Term Roulette: “Sexway Two” edition

Guess what time it is? It’s “search term roulette” time! Again? Yup, again. Has it been three months already? Yes it has. Are we done with the question-answer session? I don’t know, are we? Are we?!

For those of you still sticking around, I assume you know the drill: I pick out some odd keywords that people use to find my blog. I share them with you. The end. Everyone has a good time, except for the people using the keywords.

Let’s go:

1. Self fuck guide
Yes. Aisle seven, shelf three. Fondling The Needy Noodle: The Complete Encyclopedia Of Self Pleasuring. You’re welcome.

2. Does tuna make you psycho?

Nonsense. I eat tuna all the time, and there’s clearly nothing wrong with the giant lizards chewing on my brain plasma with their metallic teeth of horror. In conclusion: Stay away from space boogers, that’s how they find you!

3. What’s the worst prize ever?

Half a shoestring.

4. Vietnamese fuck basket

Those are truly quite delightful. Personally, I prefer their fruit baskets, but if you can find a good deal on a fuck basket, then I say go for it!

5. I am superpower magic paragraph easy

Actually, you’re just a regular sentence grammar wrongly. But I like your confidence!

6. Advice for a happy marriage sexist

Here’s some advice: Maybe try not being sexist, for starters. Also, get married. That helps. Then be happy. Fuck, I’m, like, terrible at this.

7. Incessant need to nest Judge Judy

It will pass. Everyone goes through that “Must nest Judge Judy” phase.

8. Boys kidnapped and forced to shower

They made them do what?! Those monsters.

9. Slide into my dms

I don’t know what “dms” stands for, but I like it when you talk dirty to me.

10. Does women love guys that wear recommended glass?

Hell no. Women love a bad guy. A rebel. You should be all like “See this glass? I was advised against wearing it. But then I went and wore it anyway. Now I can’t see very well. Why am I wearing glass instead of glasses? This whole thing was a goddamn terrible idea!”

11. Sexway two

Sexway Two is closed for repairs. May we suggest Fornication Avenue or the Intercourse Concourse?

12. Dream of demon doll heads mocking


13. Claustrophobic box fart torture

I’m looking forward to this one being used by Jack Bauer in the new season of 24.

14. Naked teen girl in nest

You’re sick! I understand “naked.” I understand “teen girl.” But a nest?! What are we, savages?!

15. Seductive reply to whuz this


Although that’s less “seductive” and more “Grammar Nazi,” but you catch my drift.

16. State prison next exit do not pick up hitchhikers

Thanks for the heads up.

17. Britney Spears dumb genius

I believe that’s her new album. Any good?

18. I like torturing cats

See? And that’s why we need the government to monitor our online lives.

19. If I spray hairspray on crayon art

You’ll probably be called an asshole by the artist.

20. I pressed the star on Twitter by mistake can someone tell

Oh, they can totally tell. They’re judging you right now. You can’t just give a star and then take it back, you know. It’s not like Crimea.

21. Is there a app for male hands free vibrator remote control to show how to do it?

Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned manual masturbation?! Kids and their technology these days. Next thing you know we’ll need five passwords, a fingerprint scan, and an hour of charging the battery just to “unlock” the penis from our underwear. Is that what you wanted, Steve Jobs?! Is that the future you wanted?!

22. Cute cow making eyes

Well, I’d suggest taking it to dinner first. But make sure you’re not misinterpreting the signals. The “making eyes” thing could mean anything from “I like you as a friend” to “I have Bovine spongiform encephalopathy.” Be safe around cows.

23. Fiance groom angry watch at bridal shower male stripper

A bridal shower with the “fiance groom” attending? See that’s your problem right there.

24. Making a sexy lady with text symbols
00001010111010101010010101011101 is the loneliest number.

25. Jesus doll talking fuck
And that’s why I don’t take Our Lord Savior anywhere anymore. Whenever he gets wasted it’s “fuck” this and “shitcock” that. Embarrassing.

7 thoughts on “Search Term Roulette: “Sexway Two” edition

  1. “20. I pressed the star on Twitter by mistake can someone tell”

    LOL 😛 Awkward sex queries aside, this one was really funny. I’ve accidentally smashed the keyboard a couple times and inadvertently favorited random tweets……….. including my own. Awkward!

    Also, it’s thanks to blogging – and the resulting horror at realizing that my searches were visible to anyone whose site I land on – that I NEVER go to a site directly from search. I copy and paste the address 😛 (Hi, I’m your resident Tin Foil Hatter!)


    • Paranoia Level 73! You do Internet well. You should apply for a spy position with those qualifications!

      There’s nothing awkward in favouriting your own Tweets. I do it all the time. Because nobody else does.


  2. When I got to this: “Actually, you’re just a regular sentence grammar wrongly. But I like your confidence!” I just about spit out my coffee! Hilarious!

    You can make anything funny. Anything!
    There really are some sickos out there. Wonder why they keep getting sent to your blog? Hahahahahaha.


  3. #13—What in the…? Whoever typed that is a major weirdo. Of course, same goes for the other ones, too. And to the cat harmer? Lock him up now.

    Thanks for the laugh-out-louds. I especially liked #s 10 and 22.


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