All right, boys and girls. Gather around and stop reading my blog! What are you doing? This blog is for adults! Why aren’t you in bed yet?!

Kids these days…

Anyway, it’s time for the quarterly search term bonanza. It’s also time to stop saying “bonanza.” Nobody says that anymore. Never say “bonanza,” you’ll embarrass yourself.

You know the drill. Below are some search terms that brought people to my blog. With commentary.

1. Hairspray. Can this be used if attacked?

Sure. Although I find it worrying that your main concern when attacked is “Does my hair look great?”

2. Does dog hairspray stop it coming out?

My hairspray stops the dogs coming out to the yard,
And they’re like…uh…”woof woof,” I guess?

3. Again maybe that thing making me mad

Not again! That’s outrageous! I get so angry about the things that make me mad!

4. Kidnap and fucking and licking brooms

And for how long have you been in the household cleaning tools adult industry?

5. Sexy teens OK yes?

Not if no want jail and sex offender registry, no.

6. What’s a riddle to get the name Daniel?

Daniel’s an enigma. He’s a ghost that moves through the shadows in the corners of your dreams. He’s the wind you hear in the darkness of the night. He’s an illusion, a hallucination, a perception that never quite takes concrete shape. He glides through the edges of fantasy, never materializing, never…OK, what the hell are we talking about?!

7. Lifelike dolls created by stealing children’s souls

Why the specificity in your question? Isn’t that how all dolls are made? No? How do you explain their immeasurable creepiness, then?

8. How to make a guy shut up in sexy way over text?

Reach out and gently caress the touchscreen of your phone. Now softly, sensually, press the “mute” button.

9. How to text good words when posting a sexy picture on Facebook?

I make words good, yes? Me sexy, no? Like picture, please!

No…that’s not it.

10. A story that ends with the expression “If I had known.”

Thanks for ruining the twist ending, asshole!

11. Sex text reply

Aaaaah, the long-awaited sequel to Eat Pray Love.

12. My friend’s dog is big and annoying

Uh, you do know that Google isn’t your buddy, right? It doesn’t care what you think about your friend’s dog. Now, if you’re looking for “best ways to transport big dogs,” and “nearest unexplored forest,” and “how to get a fake alibi,” then…maybe I’ve said too much.

13. Some tips for fucking married wife

Never mind that! Tell me more about these “unmarried wives” you seem to know.

14. Fart underwear don’t blame on dog

That sounds reasonable. My dog only wears underwear on weekends and St. Patrick’s Day, anyways.

15. Anti-gay reasons

Bigotry? Fear of things you don’t understand? Convenient misinterpretation of the Bible? There are many.

16. Never hit a guy with glasses

Finally! My shortcut to invincibility is becoming a reality.

17. Pictures of humour nest pictures

Nonsense of buffet Sudoku parkour.

18. Do NYPD and FDNY hate each other?

“Help.” It’s spelled “help each other.” And yes, they do.

19. How to unfollow people on Twitter who tweet too often?

OK, you’ll need: three staples, a jar of banana-strawberry jam, two kilograms of sugar, and a dog’s whisker. Now, mix the sugar with the jam, staple the whisker to your forehead, then click the “unfollow” button next to the person you want to unfollow. Some steps optional.

20. What did I do wrong unfollowed on Twitter?

How should I know, dude?! Ask the idiot with the dog’s whisker stapled to his forehead.

21. I have to wear glasses will I get laid?

No. Clearly.

22. Chinese guy licking Chinese guy

Aisle three. Fourth shelf. “Asian Adventures” section.

23. Make Lara Croft costume

Thanks for the suggestion, but I already have one. In fact, I’m wearing it right now. Enjoy the mental image. You’re welcome.

24. Comparisons to cucumbers

Green bananas. That’s…that’s it…I got nothing.

25. “Hehe” in a texts from guy

According to Merriam-Webster: “Used to express or as an imitation of derisive laughter or a senile or foolish giggle.” So it’s kind of like a smiley with its tongue out, but in word form. Does that help?