Comment Spam Roulette: “Duck Penis” Edition

Aaaah, spam commenters. You bring me joy. You write weird things. You make little sense. You give me a reason to visit the Akismet folder where all of you reside and click the “Empty Spam” button. Lately, there are hundreds of you on a daily basis. More work for Akismet, more blog fodder for me.

The best of your comments have already made it into previous comment spam roulette editions. Today, the tradition continues. Let’s roll:

1. You can get yourself total along with and your toes should the bit within soothe the particular pair of shoes.

I feel like we’re getting somewhere with this poem, we just need a punchy rhyme at the end. Rose? Nose? Expose? Ah, I got it!

You can get yourself total
Along with and your toes
Should the bit within soothe
Those great shoes that you chose

Does that work?

2. Ducks certainly are a rather amazingly dull species until eventually you think of their great genitals. We’re referring to junk whose claims to fame incorporates spikes, corkscrews, booby trapped vaginas and, so far as dimension goes, nicely, they might…

This is seriously the most informative and fascinating spam comment I’ve ever received. I only wish it didn’t end on such an irritating cliffhanger. Please, come back, commenter. Without you, I’ll never know what duck penises might…oh, nevermind, Google comes to the rescue.

3. App difficulty!! The reverse area with the honor is usually worried. Please.

Answer arrival! The inverse of worry is to calm down. Thank you.

4. Awesome site! I am loving it!! Will come back again. I am taking your feeds also.

Hey, wait, no, don’t do that! You can’t just take my feeds. Give them back! Oh well, what could I expect from someone who’s also stolen the McDonald’s jingle.

5. Barnett with a slender.

Mrs. Peacock, in the dining room, with the candlestick.

6. I do not have a clue

Dude, I literally just gave you one right above.

7. Drop dead Google, fuck Google.

And yet, ironically, it was Google who’d introduced us in the first place.

8. Lily, I like your handwriting very much although there are some mistakes here. I am sure you can correct them.

Mistake 1: It’s spelled “Daniel,” not “Lily.”
Mistake 2: My “handwriting” is called “Verdana sans-serif font.”

Did I fix them all?

9. Well done! Drinking water might have been more useful, but hey…

You’re right! How stupid of me to have been drinking my own blog instead of water all this time.

10. Hi there! Your article rocks too as being genuine amazing fully grasp!

Thank you. I deliver only best the incredible completely take!

11. Everyone loves it when people get together and share ideas.

In the future, please try to avoid such polarizing and controversial comments on my blog.

12. I feel like the writer has substantial understanding in this matter. Rather great publish. I found your site excellent for my wants. Many thanks for sharing the great ideas. This is an interesting and so well preserved site.

The site is indeed remarkably well preserved. In fact, 17th century archaeologists were baffled to discover my blog in near-mint condition, lying inside a dinosaur egg that somehow hadn’t hatched. They dusted it and found it had improved their already substantial understanding in the matter of dinosaur bones and ancient Greek statues. Already then, it was excellent for many wants.

13. I severely delight in your posts. Many thanks.

That sounds violent. Take it easy with the delighting, you might hurt yourself.

14. Last a few years has been to Ibiza, so met a person there whose style of presentation is very similar to yours. But, unfortunately, that person is too far from the Internet!

What? Me? No, I’ve never been to Ibiza, why do you ask? Ha, ha. I couldn’t have possibly been there on April 2, 2012, at 21:47, when that embarrassing public indecency sex act involving a goat, two snakes, a watermelon, and a meticulously crafted human-scale replica of Napoleon Bonaparte took place. That’s just silly. Silly, I say! Your insinuations and lies are untrue, liar! Oh God, please don’t tell anyone.

15. Time will not let me forget you, only habit without you. Buy Cheap Hermes Handbags Outlet Online, Hermes Birkin Sale, Our Hermes Bags Online Store offers a variety of sizes for customers to choose and all the bags are made of genuine leather.

That’s, that’s so beautiful. No, I’m not crying, shut up. I just have something in my eye. You had me at “Hermes Birkin Sale,” you romantic bastard you.

16. What about you, what about you? Is made for our healthful. Not unlike walking event. With the kids, capable to traverse and enjoy the seem in the market your current small town, ‘All this time, and indeed the greater part of my entire life, any of us.’

Am I the only one who is imagining these lines rapped “old school style” by Will Smith to a simple 90s rap beat? I am? Well, screw you all, you know nothing about good hip-hop.

17. Julie!!! What a wonderful recap! Thanks so much for explaining how great it was to volunteer here. I did not know you had reservations about coming but I am so glad you did and that you found it rewarding. Thanks again so much for your help!

For Bob’s sake. How many times must I say this? It’s not “Julie,” it’s “Lily.” Goddamnit, I mean “Daniel.” It’s “Daniel.”

18. I actually, certainly, have to be necessitated to approve of who measure. Why shouldn’t you be allowed to dwell about anything that explains this valuable portentously named this tip? Here it is spoon-fed to you: You will need to learn more bordering.

Well done, R310GPO Mark III! Your “human language mimic module” is showing marked improvement. Although I do suggest further practice. And stop obsessing about “bordering.” As they say, “He who borders last, borders best.”

19. “Her main priority is finding a house but she is aware she has LA at her feet,” said an insider. Despite the dozens of requests flooding in to sign her, the 27 year old economics graduate is set on finding a suitable pad.

Uh…what?

20. Which is why she has already decided to forego the 2011 indoor campaign and concentrate solely on next summer’s world championships in Korea.

Oh. Ooooooooooh! Now I get it. You and number 19 are joining forces to tell a serial story of a young tennis player graduating from economic school and starting an indoor campaign to find an apartment where she can practice for her competition in North Korea to win back her father’s freedom. I sense a massive Hollywood hit.

21. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, ‘Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ I said ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too’. And you can look our website about Ralph…

Oh God. Ohgodohgodohgod. Should I report this? I feel like I should report this. Jesus Christ, you sick fuck, man. You murder a woman for talking to you about your clothing, then you brag about it online? And what have you done with Ralph?! Where is Ralph? Is he alive? What kind of website did you make about him? Is this like that Untraceable movie, where people log on to watch Ralph suffer? Is it?! You will pay for this, you monster. YOU WILL PAY!

22. Yeah! Life is like riding a bicycle. You will not fall unless you stop pedaling!

Or you crash into a tree. Or your shoelace gets tangled up inside the bike chain, making you trip over the front of your bike comically. Or you bike over an open manhole. Or that skateboarding jerk Thomas jumps out in front of you and makes you fall over. And then he’s all like “Watch where you’re biking, Daniel. You don’t own the road, Daniel. My dad can beat up your dad, Daniel.”

I’m just saying: You sound almost impossibly optimistic for someone who’s actually tried riding a freaking bike, commenter.

23. This can be precisely what I will used to be looking for, many thanks.

I will also be gotten words to have been teaching tense usage incorrectly am learning last week.

24. The girls love Barbie dolls released as adopting the role of an adult woman were created.

I hope you didn’t get paid for that awful marketing slogan.

25. Sand blindness, like snow blindness, may cause a short lived vision reduction. To avoid it, you will need a great pair of UV resistant sunglasses or goggles. You’ll also will need ski poles to force past a lot of the denser spots of sand.

You’re so boring. You sound just like my old driving instructor with his constant naggitty nag nagging and his lectures about sitting correctly, and checking the gas meter, and watching out for pedestrians, and actually having your eyes open while driving, and would you shut up already and let me finish this bottle of vodka before I start the car?! So boring. Bring back the duck penis guy.

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8 thoughts on “Comment Spam Roulette: “Duck Penis” Edition

  1. When I read your title… Duck Penis Edition, I realized you were born to do this! 🙂

    Number 7 had me rolling in tears. I too have a love hate relationship with Google. Maybe we should have support groups or something.
    I’ll Google it….

    Like

    • It’s a heavy burden, but someone’s got to do it!

      To steal from Homer Simpson, who was talking about alcohol: “Google, the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.”

      Like

  2. Your sense of humor is wicked. And you seem to get a huge amount of spam – I suspect that post where we all had to respond as “anonymous” might have something to do with this. Either that or you’re telling fibs? After all, who would refer to a “booby-trapped vagina” – although, come to think of it, I might have met a couple of those in my younger days!!

    Like

    • Oh how I wish those were fibs. I’d sleep more peacefully at night. And I have no clue why I’m getting THIS much spam lately. We’re talking easily 100 or so spam comments a day it seems. Thankfully I never see the, unless I specifically check the Spam folder. Which I do, for these types of posts.

      Like

  3. So now the truth comes out. You’re really a 27-year-old economics graduate with LA at your feet, Ms. Julie Lily. But you really must get over your duck genital fetish. It’s not becoming of a young woman.

    Like

    • That’s Mrs. Julie Lily to YOU, missy!

      And my obsessive duck genital fetish is what kept me motivated throughout my economics studies, so I’m not about to quit, even if I win that tournament.

      Like

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