What Renee Zellweger’s new face means for you. A helpful guide.

Have you heard the big news? Renee Zellweger has a new face!

Seemingly overnight, Renee Zellweger went from looking like this:

Renee Zellweger's new face: Renee Zellweger Old Picture

D’AAAAAAAAAW!

To looking like this:

Renee Zellweger's new face: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I know! First Ukraine, then ISIS, then Ebola, now this?! What is the world coming to?

Understandably, there’s been a lot of confusion as to what Renee Zellweger’s new face means for the universe, the history of nations, our society as a whole, and, most importantly, each of us personally.

While the media has bravely tackled such important issues as what specific surgery she must have had, exactly how does Renee Zellweger’s new face compare to the old one, and generally what the fuck, nobody has addressed the crucial question: What does it all mean for you, dear reader?

Because I care, I have hereby compiled a helpful guide that you can use to find out what Rene Zellweger’s new face means for you and your loved ones:

1. Are you a Renee Zellweger look-alike who imitates her for a living and has no other source of income?

If yes: You may need to update your act to focus on how Zellweger looked before.

If no: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

2. Are you a plastic surgeon specializing in facial aesthetics?

If yes: You may be able to draw some valuable lessons by observing Zellweger’s transition.

If no: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

3. Do you like Renee Zellweger?

If yes: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

If no: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

4. Are you considering plastic surgery?

If yes: Your decision may be somewhat affected one way or another by Zellweger’s new look.

If no: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

5. Are you Renee Zellweger’s face?

If yes: Congratulations on your new look!

If no: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

There, I hope that helped!

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36 thoughts on “What Renee Zellweger’s new face means for you. A helpful guide.

  1. Yep. that’s cleared that one up! It is pathetic how much media attention this has got. My view is that, if she wishes to corrupt her appearance in this way, she is perfectly within her rights to do so.

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  2. But wait, are we SURE that the second picture is Renee Zellweger? I mean, what if it’s just some random woman who SAYS she’s Renee Zellweger, but really has Renee Zellweger locked in her basement?

    But if it IS Renee Zellweger, than you are right…Renee Zellweger is a grown woman and what she does with her body is none of my business and has no impact on my life.

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  3. Daniel- As I read this, it strikes me that you treat women as equals, as people who have power and a voice, not as objects to be constantly evaluated and ridiculed. Yes- this is one of the many reasons why I like you.
    Just one reason though… there are others like your humor, your intelligence, your passion.

    Like

    • Wait wait wait…thanks for the kind words, but I do absolutely reserve the right to ridicule people for stupid stuff. That’s 90% of what I do on this blog. It’s just that people’s body and life choices (as long as they don’t affect others) don’t really fall under that “ridiculing” category. I’ll leave that to gossip magazines and people who feel that celebrities owe them something.

      Otherwise, yeah, I’m pretty great!

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    • Probably because the Internet has a short memory and manages to get utterly shocked by something that’s happened before.

      “New disease that will spread and kill us all?! Why, this is the first time that’s ever happened. Panic mode, engage!”

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  4. Who cares what she’s done, as you put so well. It’s her business. My two sense, and not worth one probably…She just looks ten years older, with the exception of her eyes, which look very different due to “whatever”. I look at pictures of myself from 10-15 years ago, and the difference is dramatic. I still look pretty much still like me just older. Imagine that!!!

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      • Reanna - Rock the Single Life says:

        I think that’s the issue right there. People have been talking about this like it’s a personal affront. I read someone’s comment that talked about how Bridget Jones is now dead. Bridget is a freaking fictional character, people! Zellweger is a real person who gets to live her life however she wants. And good for her.

        Like

  5. Vanessa D. says:

    This is such a helpful guide that can be applied to any public figure. Unless it’s a public figure who is sporting over-inflated bumper lips – I then reserve the right to at least think WTF?

    Like

    • Hey, we’ve all had our “WTF” moments while looking at crazy shit people do to their bodies. But it’s one thing to disapprove of something, and it’s a whole different ball game when you start acting like they have somehow wronged you by doing it.

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  6. Well I’m glad you cleared that up, I don’t see much difference between the pictures and don’t understand the big deal about it… she is after all a grown woman and can spend her money on anything she wants… or whatever you said above. It’s none of my business anyway LOL

    Like

  7. Thank you! You’re right–it’s none of our business. As a society we can’t have it both ways: we can’t constantly measure women by their looks and put them in the slush pile when they get too old, and then act shocked when they get surgery to try to keep that from happening. And it’s not just women. Men, albeit mostly celebrities, are taking the knife to extremes, too. We’re born, we age, we die. That’s life in a nutshell. Let’s not act so shocked when we see it happen.

    Like

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