Ah, Halloween! The one day of the year when you can justify running out into the streets completely naked by calling it a costume. Uh…hypothetically. I wouldn’t know anything about being nude in Copenhagen’s main square on October 31 of last year. That’s slander and lies. Or, as the police records refer to it, “indecent exposure.” Hypothetical police records.
As always, Halloween brings with it shenanigans, festivities, and a bunch of silly, silly costumes. And many of the costumes available in Denmark proudly earn their place in the “WTF” category. I’ve already done this once before, but repetition is the mother of existential horror. So journey with me into the land of utter madness that is the Danish Halloween costume scene.
22. Naked Man
A very authentic rendering of the male body. The level of detail here is unmatched. The carefully organized chest hair. The oversized, saggy skin that hangs loosely off the body. The giant crotch-eating worm with an Afro that’s attached itself to the man’s genitals (you can’t unsee it now).
21. Fat Killer Clown
Eventually, Ronald McDonald realizes that the real killer all along was the diabetes brought about by rampant fast food consumption.
20. Santa Skin Suit
“Ho ho ho! Meeeeerry Christmas, kids. You will never guess what’s inside the bag!”
“Actually, Santa, we don’t really want to kn–”
“It’s my face.”
19. Super Reindeer
After Rudolf got bitten by a radioactive human, he gained the power of unlimited access to steroids. Seriously, this is quite possibly the absolute worst thing you could have done to a “Rudlof The Reindeer” costume!
Aaaaand I stand corrected!
“Braaaaaaains! Braaaaaaaaains! I mean, use your braaaaaaaaains, this is the children’s crossing! Careful!”
16. Pinky Pig
So many questions: Why does this pig have a human mouth? Why are its lifeless eyes boring straight into my soul? Why is it doing that weird “I’m riding an invisible motorcycle” mime?! Why is it wearing sneakers?! Why can I do nothing to stop these screams of terror pouring out of my mouth?!
15. Human Anatomy
“OK, class. As you can see, the tibialis anterior is located just below…Timmy, stop crying…just below the…stop crying, Timmy…below the fibularis longus, which is the…Timmy! I said stop crying!”
14. Waiter Skin Suit
“Some wine, sir? Riddle me this: What’s inside the glass on the left?”
“I don’t think I want to kn—”
“It’s my face.”
This is actually a pretty cool concept, as long as you’re making that “I’ve just jumped out of the box” pose. However, the rest of the night must get kind of awkward. “For the thousand’s time: No, I’m not pregnant with SpongeBob SquarePants’s baby! Stop asking!”
12. Gangster Fat Cat
Say hello to my morbidly obese friend.
11. Stripper Kit
Epic douchey wink sold separately.
10. Baby Kit
Is that a doo-doo in your diaper, or are you just happy to…wait, don’t answer that.
“Whoa! Cereal Killer? What happened to that ‘Killer B‘ guy?”
“I killed him. He was having far too much…pun. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!”
8. Naked Grandma
Nothing gets the fun family conversation going like being vividly reminded of that time dementia made grandma do embarrassing things.
“I pity the fool who thinks my face looks like a Pikachu that swallowed a radish.”
You can’t spell “blasphemy” without “orgasmic blow-up doll sex.” Or maybe you can.
5. Shark Victim
Cyclops?! Nooooooooo! They always eat the best ones!
4. Kiss The Frog
I don’t get it. What does that mean? “Kiss the fr…” Oh! Ooooooh! Yeah, real subtle, dude. Why don’t you just go ahead and simply slap something like “blow me” on there.
Oh, for Dick’s sake! But hey, bonus points for finding a model with an uncannily appropriate facial expression.
1. Rubik’s Cube
“Solve me now to see what’s inside the Rubik’s cube!”
“Is it your face?”
“Don’t be stupid, man. This is just a costume.”